“Sad girl day, I need you.”
Wait for it…
“You okay Sarah?”
That made my mouth curl up at the corners.
I felt like I was drowning there for a minute.
It’s been a while since I cried like that.
Shittiest triggering deja vu ever. I was not prepared for that at all.
He loves reading my writing.
I know because he told me.
I do write about him a lot, quote him too. He writes the anger out more eloquently than I.
I just say fuck a lot when I get mad, cry when I am sad. He sends them to the crows.
“September 17th last year.” He said, standing in the rain, smoking a Marlboro. Catching up.
I said it had been too long, he agreed and added the date. I did quick math and found he wasn’t lying.
Those words felt like a kiss on my forehead. Being remembered is a big deal to me.
Being held by him on that street corner took away a world of hurt and guilt I didn’t even know I was carrying.
Things didn’t end overly well.
He still said he would see me again and he wasn’t lying.
7 months after we split I called him crying when the next one dumped me. I’d pulled over on the side of the road sobbing hysterically, way too hard to drive. I was looking for a number, any number. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t work my phone, eyes stinging so bad I could barely see, but there he was. I was being crushed under the weight of that awful mantra that weighs heavy every time we get dumped. ‘What is wrong with me?’
I asked him, he said ‘nothing is wrong with you Sarah’. He let me sob and ask more questions, answered them all until I calmed down enough to drive the car and get home safe. He wasn’t lying then either. I am forever grateful.
Dear Young Un the First,
I remember the closest thing we had to a fight. August night, sitting on the porch, Bring Me the Horizon on in the background. I was upset with you, I don’t remember why. You looked me in the eye and said quite plainly “I’m still learning”. You were so right I had no choice but to immediately shut the fuck up and calm the fuck down. You were, we both were. We both still are. I carry this lesson around with me. You taught me a lot. You still do.
You were the first you know. The first man I (quasi) dated after I took my life back. The first man I chose for myself instead of sitting back and letting life happen. I said ‘I want that one’ and the gods handed you over. Nice gods.
You were the first person I ever looked at and I realized I was seeing your soul. You have no idea how old and wise and beautiful you are to me.
You were the first man I dated after deciding on my full disclosure policy. I was always very me and you stayed. You took everything I said and did in stride. When your eyes stormed over upon me saying I had been raped, you upped the bar for acceptable reactions. The bar is still where you put it.
You were my first young un after I turned proper cougar age.
I was learning on a curve. Crash course really. Everything I learned from you has been invaluable, and so are you.
I made a mess of things and I know it. And yet, here you are, saying the sweetest things when I need to hear them.
I know I do this for you too and know I always will. I automatically reach for my sword when someone hurts you. I see so much good in you it enrages me when others cannot treat you the way you deserve, the way I wanted to.
I can message you when my mind starts playing tricks.
I know you will tell me the truth about what he is doing and about what I am doing.
I know you don’t lie. You calm me down.
I called you for help again because I remembered something.
I know we were never officially dating/together/whatever. But you always treated me like we were. You didn’t hide me or keep me a secret even though you had every right to. You told Steel Panther about me, and your mom. I remember your friends keeping me safe outside clubs while you did your band stuff. I remember you telling me one of them jumped to my defense when someone called me a stripper in a derogatory tone “that is M______’s stripper, show some respect”.
I will remember that for a long time to come, makes me smile every time.
I’d come out of a long string of relationships where I never felt safe or protected or overly important.
You showed me I deserved better.
And today, when I’d forgotten that, you reminded me.
Thank you for telling me that guy isn’t good enough for me. That I am ‘beyond someone like him’. One day I will tell you why I smiled so big when you said “you really really are.” That second really is important.
Thank you for saying it is alright to want what I want. I said the same to you a month ago. It’s true for both of us.
Thank you for being my friend and my plus-one for weddings so I don’t have to be the only heavily tattooed person in the room.
Apparently neither one of us has the slightest clue about how to date, so until that gets resolved (and beyond) I’ll be here for you to build you up if you get torn down and I’m smiling knowing you will do the same.
Love,
Sarah
P.S You’ve shown me that when I forgive people me I am doing the right thing. Knowing and feeling you forgive me is important. You are important.
