Wingman and the Rebound Girl (where are u now)

When you broke down I didn’t leave ya
I was by your side
So where are you now that I need you?

I have a soft spot for the Biebs. Takes me back to a few summers ago, driving with Ishtra, windows down and happy going nowhere, everywhere, just enjoying being together, this song on repeat.

I have spent the bulk of this morning working on work emails, making schedules, confirming dates and times. I have been given as much responsibility as any stripper ever has been. It’s weird and I kinda like it. 27/29 strippers are on board.

Things got fucky, what else is new?

I’m having anxiety about things falling back into old patterns while I am away. Leaving a mess for me to clean up when I return.

I have 7 weeks left here and nothing went as I had hoped and planned it would.

Things just kept getting weirder and weirder.

Soon it will be time to fly from yet another nest I have made for myself and I am not sure if I want to go.

I am needed here, useful, and as Keri puts it “you look after us girls, we are lucky to have you. And these boys here gravitate to you, they really love you, I have never seen anything like it.”

About 20 minutes after she said it, Very Drunk Josh came into the bar, after a 10 day absence. Didn’t say a word, just picked me up into one of those full body hugs that took my feet up off the floor, and he didn’t let go for a full minute.

We will never be more than friends, but it made me realize how badly I needed some good touch.

Lead us not into temptation. Drunk Josh is not tempting.

But there is temptation. That grass over there is pretty fucking green.

I also spent last night happy as fuck because, for once, things were going smoothly at work and I had something to do with it.

Well, smooth till they got bumpy.

Lil speed bump. No big thing.

My sweet Baboo (sorry Scottie, I can’t think of another nickname) came in, said hi and then told me he was here to see another girl.
Yay sweet Baboo, oh wait…her? Fuck, you best not be seen talking to me then.

She is one of the 2/27 who are not on board with me scheduling/existing in general.

I backed all the way off. Sent him a snap urging caution and distance, stayed away for the night, then I gathered my girls and went home.

We snapped until 4am, me trying to convince him it was okay, I understood, it was my choice to exit stage left and the last thing he said was it wasn’t worth having her if it meant losing me as a friend.

My heart melted a bit, not gonna lie.

I am usually his wingman and the only way I could’ve helped him was to stay away.

This has happened before.

My ability to see and act for the greater good is troublesome, but it’s in my marrow.

I gave you the key when the door wasn’t open
Just admit it

Someone very important to me, from my past, is recently single.

I think I might be the only one of his friends who knows this.

I am both honored and terrified.

I said to him today, “I never asked about what was going on with us because
a) I knew the answer
and
b) if you didn’t say it, I could pretend it wasn’t over.”

See yesterday’s post about Facebook memories and me having a history of being a silly lovesick girl.

My idea of romance and relationships hasn’t progressed past high school I suppose.

I kinda like it this way. Mind you, it is the only way I’ve ever known. Familiarity breeds comfort where there would otherwise be none. And I am not feeling overly comfortable just now.

I know the trauma that occurred way back when that continues to dictate my behavior. And I haven’t the slightest clue what to do about.

I loved someone who was incapable of loving me back. And when he did come to love me he never showed it, not till years later, from a galaxy far, far away. And I took this as love and romantic. It really wasn’t.

He who caused the trauma in high school is also recently single and everybody knows and he demanded that I come out and give it a shot.

It’s not that I can’t. I just won’t.

A few years ago I would have. But, we aren’t in the same place in our lives any more. I have raised my children. I want adventure time and copious amounts of sex and movies and snuggles and bonfires. I don’t even know how to be a girlfriend anymore, I can be faithful and cook for you but the title isn’t important like it used to be. I just want to be happy.

As for the other one. I once survived being his rebound and that is what terrifies me. I can’t live through that again.

I mean I can, but do I want to.

On a long enough timeline, they always come back.

Every

Single

One,

Without fail.

Which begs the question Justin Bieber asks “Where are you now that I need you?”

I can guarantee I was on my knees when nobody else was prayin’, oh lord.

I spend a lot of time on my knees.

Humbled.

Penitent.

Sacrifice.

Greater good.

 

I have friends here that don’t leave me even when they should.

I have purpose.

Geographically I am in the future, as far as time zones go. If I go west I will be traveling into the past both literally and emotionally.

The events of the last few days have made me feel like maybe I should stick around longer.

I guess it’s going to come down to who needs me the most.

 

(all italics from Where are You Now, Justin Bieber, Skrillex and Jack U)