Triggered

Everyone is running willy-nilly with torches and pitchforks, convicting both victims and offenders in the kangaroo court that is the internet.

I am one in 4.

One in 4 women who have experienced sexual assault and one in 4 that have experienced domestic violence, more than once by different hands. I really should be in my blanket fort built from PTSD colouring until this shit storm passes, every other word is a trigger warning.

But I am not, I am here, I am okay.

I am a submissive. It’s not a cross to bear, it’s wonderful and I love it.

I was beaten and raped. Not a cross to bear either, more like a tightrope to walk, lean too far and splat.

I know why I’m submissive, I was WAY before the rape for the record. The rape had nothing to do with play of any kind, or even sex. But we’ll get there, in probably about 850 words.

I have tried many a thing and I revel in the power exchange and dynamic that exists between opposite sexes. Sex isn’t just sex to me, it is the only time I am fully content…wait. It’s the only time when it is a possibility that I might become completely content. A few other things bring me to this state as well, but let’s stay with the sex.

I love being a woman, and when I am fucking/getting fucked, I want to feel like a woman. Kinda a weird thing to say, but I walk around on guard all day every day, I want to feel safe at home, in bed, with him. Maybe it’s leftover puritanical ideals or 1950’s mindset on what a woman ought to be. Fuck it, I don’t need to dissect everything I like, there is joy in mystery. I like my sex rough and raw. I get off on feeling small, used and cared for…those 3 things can co-exist. They truly can.

I have this nagging sewing circle voice in my head saying ‘this isn’t politically correct you know…” STAAAAP, my blog, my vagina my rules, stop reading if you’re upset, or troll. I’ll be over here getting laid. My way.

I heard a woman say, when asked these two questions “when do you feel the most vulnerable and when do you feel the most beautiful” her answer for both was, “when I am naked in front of a man”. Her words are my truth. To be truthful, I enjoy feeling a little scared.

So, how do I find balance considering I’m a rape victim.
First and foremost, I’m not a victim, rape or otherwise, ever.
Second, I know it had nothing to do with sex at all, nor was he a partner in which I had ever engaged in any kind of sub/dom play. He wasn’t my partner at the time. He simply wanted to terrorize and hurt me and he did. One person did this To me out of anger, I don’t blame others, or myself.

It was 14 years ago. It happened, I lived. It’s okay. And it rarely comes up, except lately.

I have been single for almost a year. I do so very much love fucking. So what is a girl to do? Um, date and fuck.

I have adopted a full disclosure policy. If they can survive the first barrage of bullets, they get to stay.

Bonus round, I say very plainly, I was raped. And watch their faces. 2 outta 2 have had this storm cloud of pain cross their eyes while they digest these 3 words. This is the only acceptable reaction, I hate having to say it, but I love me more.

To be plain I have had 3 partners in a year (gasp). The first one didn’t get the speech, because he was the first and I had no idea what I was doing and also…he showed me so much respect, patience and earned trust during the courting process. Yes, he courted me, twice even, I simply just felt safe.

The new one climbed on me the other day, at his house, in his bed, pinned my arms down and said, ‘you’re trapped’. Time stopped whilst the following happened, in my head.

The Royal We assembled at light speed and assessed. I should been in hysterics, fighting and clawing my way out right? That’s how it goes. But on this day, it didn’t happen that way. Instead there was this

First thought “is this a test?”

“Um. Maybe”

“We told him right?”

“Yes”

Deep breath

“Are we actually scared right now?”

Hesitant “no”

“Was this fear ever necessary outside of the circumstances that created it?

Definite “No”.

Is every other time this has been triggered a shitty Pavlovian response?

“Yes”, except that one time. That boy really was an asshole.

“Does it serve us in any way?”

“Maybe”

“Does it serve us right now?”

“Nope”

“We good?”

“Yep”

“Okay good, as you were.”

All of this occurred in the time it took my heart to beat twice and I was back in the moment, naked and vulnerable under this 6’ 3” Giant of an amazing man and I simply went back to enjoying him.

As I write this I realize, like fucking lightning strike, I have not dated anyone over 5’ 10” since I was raped. I was raped by a big dude. 14 years ago. But, but, I have always liked big dudes, I am 5’8” and like I said I like feeling small. Apparently we weren’t ready, I just stared longingly at the heels in my closet and waited…without realizing I was waiting.

This is the moment where I win. That situation has no power over me anymore, I don’t live there. I haven’t lived there in a really long time.

So, what can we learn from this?

Have I found an ideal partner, well ya, this confirmed what I already knew.

This is about me being better, and by better I mean finally healed.