Total Eclipse and the Heart

…Believing I had supernatural powers
I slammed into a brick wall

Then I proceeded to bash my head off it a few times.

But that wasn’t until after I pulled a Blair Witch for a bit and just stood with my face in the corner.

I put myself on a time out for a few weeks. Or the universe did and I realized it was a really good idea so I rolled with it.

And then decided in my infinite wisdom to take one last kick at the hornet’s nest.

I emailed the Giant.

Never did save his number to my new phone, wonder how many times I would have drunk dialed him.

Mayhap a few.

But I was distracted. I had Black 19 and the return of Wolfling.

They’re gone.

The Giant conversation was … satisfying. But not in the way one would think.

He told me a handful of times last year that he loved me.

But his love remains inactive and afraid.

I said hey is this my problem
is this my fault?
If that’s the way it’s gonna be
I’m gonna call the whole thing to a halt

I should start listening Paul Simon (*all italics). As I am still crazy after all these years, and if I could just figure out one of the 50 ways to leave my lovers that’d be great.

Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
But I’m all right, I’m all right
I’m just weary to my bones

I found myself too tired to beg cajole or convince.

Giant asked me to have a scotch with him and then retracted the offer as the conversation went on.

He gets hard when I talk, even via email.

Oh look, I do have supernatural powers. Siren or Succubus so that’s that then.

I’ve been putting off asking the universe for the usual list of wishes and wants.

When I hit walls, get hurt or left I feel like I lose my swagger, mojo, juju etc.

So I invariably ask for them back.

But did they ever really leave?

I don’t think so. I had the power all along.

I tend to ask for one more thing with the list of 3.

My equal.

I kinda liked being in stasis this time around though. Vagina on lockdown. Ex-lovers offending me and removing themselves from my life, heart and mind beyond reconcile one by one in rapid succession.

Giant was the last. The last one I would have run back to.

But after that conversation?

Nope.

Just in time…

“An unusual celestial trifecta of a penumbral lunar eclipse, a snow moon, and a comet will occur on 10 February 2017”.

For the first time since I was 13 years old, my heart is unattached. There are no ties that bind, no what if’s or promises left.

Dobby is a free elf.

The full moon is in Leo, this is the gate through which all energies will flow until the eclipse in September.

You don’t drown by going with the flow, you drown by holding onto the things that weigh you down.

By forced catharsis, I am an empty vessel just in time for the eclipse.

I smudged and tidied.

The house is clean.

And so am I.

This self-imposed curse on my love life is lifted.

Let the next one who catches my eye be wonderful, worthy and have good intentions.

So mote it be.