Thrown

Daniel Danger http://tinymediaempire.tumblr.com/

I will now stop pretending I know a damn thing about love.

I don’t.

All I have is hindsight, bad habits and the retarded heart of a martyr.

The latest installment? Knocked up pimped out and thrown to the wolves, twice in a row. The first for 2 years, the second lasted a few months. Good god please let me be getting smarter, or luckier, or throw off this whatever this is, feels like a curse.

I just PollyAnna’ed the second guy only using me for 2 months instead of years.
Still cost me $7000, each.

I just totally grossed myself out.

I got treated badly at a job. Criminally badly.

Boyfriend at the time worked with me. He had this ‘policy of non-involvement’, kinda like the Catholic Church during the Holocaust. Truth be told, he was a coward. I was quite literally abused. He claimed to love me alone in the dark, but just stood by and watched. He then knocked me up and I got fired. He almost testified AGAINST me in court. After I carried him for over a year whilst he couldn’t keep a job. After I moved us TWICE to make him happy. Let me go off and strip everyday so he could keep himself in whiskey, beer and buy a Tonka truck.

There is a word for that. 3rd ugliest in the English language.
1. Pedophile
2. Rapist
3. Pimp Daddy Extraordinaire

I came home from a vacation in Florida to dead houseplants, a sick dog, a trashed house and he had quit yet another job.
What would you do?
Get out.

He stopped fucking me 8 months prior, truth be told, I was not overly interested. I was exhausted from treading water for the both of us, the Carpathia never came. In the post break up honesty he said (and I quote) “I figured you were just cheating on me.” Which, in one sweeping sentence validated leaving him forever.
Two things,
you let this go on for 8 months and you didn’t stick up for yourself or try to fix it or confront me? I have never seen such weakness. The second? He didn’t know me. He never listened to a word I said or he extrapolated that what I had been through didn’t alter me to my core.

Grossed out, again.

Saint Anthony used to say “the rest of the world is always trying to fight us, just be on my side”. Except the cheating (which I also did, so hush) fucker was right about most things. I am now the age he was when we were in the thick of it and I am catching up at lightning speed.

That young un’ I dated? I was his sugar mama too. I could not possibly wrap my head around the idea that he would stay if I didn’t give him stuff. The more I gave the more he stayed away.

My two best girls are always harping at me to ‘stop being so nice’. I DO try to look after everyone. St. Anthony says the same. He was going to testify FOR me in court as long as I swore not to spend the money on another loser. That was his condition. He wouldn’t even let me buy him breakfast as a thank you.

I was talking to another ex when I was with young un’. He said “ask this guy if he would take a punch for you, ask yourself if he would, if the answer is no”, leave. The answer was no, I stayed. I loaned him my truck and he took his new girlfriend to Niagara Falls in it. Then broke it and me while I woke up in a pool of blood, alone.

My movie love I go on and on about? Fucker slept with my t-shirt for 3 years before we slept together, then he promptly moved to another city with another woman. We sorta got it together again years later and he wants me to come shack up for a week (at my expense) and “we’ll see how it goes”. This is my ideal romance? This is the love of my life?

I bailed my rapist out of jail, 3 weeks prior to the rape.

I invite all women to bring me their men, if my instinct is to protect him or he lets me buy him dinner…throw it back, he’s no good.

This is my gift?

There is the meme floating around says “throw me to the wolves, I’ll return leading the pack”.

NAY, NAY FUCKING NAY, stop throwing me places, stop abandoning me, stop thinking I got this. I will fight my way out, but why make me fight alone in the first place? To further prove I am better off alone? Good job. Point noted. Go away.
I have come to the realization that even when I was in a ‘relationship’ they were canoes and I was the only one paddling or bailing, I would have been better off alone, without the weight. All the things I accomplished are thereby mine, all the times I capsized, mine too.

I pick partners badly, but not lightly and I give it everything I have. I am worth something, I believe in chivalry and I’ve earned it. I’m a good woman.

I am currently questioning everything, except my ability to survive all things alone.

I deserve better.