Third Time

Melvin ordered you three doubles back to back to back

You were smiling and giggling one second

And telling me to “stop” “just stop”

Then you put your head down

I thought I had put my head down in the change room for a minute or 10 at the end of my shift last night. Tina just told me I was asleep for 3 hours on the floor in front of my locker with my blanket on my head.

The night before I got ruined but took a 5 hour energy so my body didn’t shut down after I blacked out. I don’t know which is worse.

I also refused to leave last night without her, even though she was gone already.
I have got to stop doing this.

I woke up at 9 this morning still in my stockings, no idea where my shirt went.

I have lost sight of the wagon I was supposed to be back on.

I chugged 20 ounces of water and went the fuck back to sleep.

Then the voice yelled at me and I sat straight up. It hurt. Everything hurts right now.

Once in a blue moon, a few seconds before I wake up, I hear a voice telling me something important.

I call it my field of dreams voice.

If you build it he will come.
Go the distance.
Ease his pain.

First clear memory of it was maybe 5 years ago now, “her name is Kayla and she has cotton candy hair.”

Young ‘un the first had been drifting away from me and her name was actually Kaya and she did indeed have pink/blue/lilac hair. They dated for a year, it didn’t end well and I consoled him through the break up.

This morning was different, it’s usually a woman’s voice. Today it was a man with an accent, like country boy twang, not sure where from. And he simply stated “He’s gone.” With a tone that dictated that I should already know this. I already know this.

Cotton candy hair girl scenario made itself clear about a week later after a broken window incident with my truck. The truth finally came out…and that was that.

I don’t know who he is or where he has gone, I mean I have a pretty good idea, but I am sure it will become abundantly clear sooner than later.

And something will get broken.

Liza messaged me last night too.

Golden spiral, curve increasing by pi

She got into the moonshine at a biker funeral and doesn’t remember much except something about the rule of 3 and clovers.

Drunken conduits getting funny messages from the ether.

Called me up this morning because she says my energy is tangly. She’s getting static.

I am in recovery mode from a 3 day bender. And I am feeling staticky and tangly.

I can’t find my happy place. My period is late, I feel ugly as fuck and it won’t stop raining.

I feel numb and like warmed up shit. The numbness is what scares me the most.

This snarky voice telling me “he’s gone” and all I could think was so what.

They go, that is what they do.

And all the HE’s are gone.

The Last One made a brief appearance, two actually, since I have been here. It’s funny, every time he comes back, we pick back up like we never stopped dating. I gotta figure out how to quit that too. He’s been gone almost 3 weeks this time. He said he was coming for me, I said we’ll see. I knew this was coming. This is the pattern. Spiral out and back in again.

Giant, same same. Said he was coming for me. No word in weeks. I know he reads the blog on occasion and I haven’t been hiding anything.

The Boy ‘heard I moved on’, so I knew that was over already. It never began.

They aren’t here anyways so it doesn’t really matter. I wish them well. Gone but not forgotten.

And Nope is on the boat for 3 more sleeps. I am looking forward to him coming back a little more than I am comfortable with. Mind you it’s easier for me to not drink when he is around. Dangling carrots.

I will figure it out, I always do.

As for the quitting of the things. I met a woman years ago, she took a “break” from smoking, and last I heard it was an 11 year break. This is how we quit things. I will take a break before I break. It can’t rain all the time and I will bleed again eventually. I am in a new place with a dozen new uteruses to sync to. We shall see.

Took me napping at work the first time to slow things down in the drinking department. Then I backslid and fell on my ass, stayed sober 13 days.

Time to try again.

Third times a charm.