Then Satan said ‘Here, have Feelings’.

He said I “didn’t deserve his shit.”

Baby, you are not a burden.

I don’t really believe in the bible, but if the verse fits, post it.

A year ago today, I posted this pontification and justification.

Romancing May to December

I guess I knew what was coming.

Truth be told, I didn’t know why I only dated young ones. Until now.

For someone who spends so much time introspectively sifting through the wreckage of her life with a magnifying glass and a whole forensics team, I don’t know if I have a definitive answer.

The closest I can figure is that I left home and dropped out of school at 15. While my friends had the luxury of prom nights and dating I was working, paying rent, adulting basically. I had my son at 21, so while my friends were off to college or university switching majors and figuring life out, I was changing diapers and trying to keep a tiny human alive.

I’d only dated men my own age. Long term monogamous relationships wherein I had no semblance of self, other than what it meant to be ‘their girl’. I have said before I carved off so much of me to fit in with them that there was very little of me left.

5 years ago I stopped doing that.

I literally spent 2 years in a cabin, alone in the woods figuring myself out.

The first person I dated after coming out of my cocoon was 24 years old. I was 40.

“I didn’t plan it, it just happened that way. I guess fate stepped in the middle, and I needed him then.” Sarah Slean

I remember bracing myself for that first date thinking “I don’t care how pretty he is, if he starts regaling me with tales of beer pong and yammering on about his band I’m gonna politely excuse myself and bail.”

Instead, 6 hours later we were still talking, like old friends really. I forgot I was on a date, I forgot he was a stranger and I forgot how old he was.

For 3 months he brought me around his friends, we went out, stayed in and had a great time. His folks knew about me. It was the happiest I recalled being for a really long time.

Then Satan said ‘here, have feelings’. I asked if he would date me officially and that was that. He ended it, stating he didn’t want to be in a relationship. He started dating the next one 30 days later. I wished him well and decided enjoy it while it lasts, don’t lock them down. Leave them better than you found them.

Seemed fair.

The idea of being in a proper relationship made my skin crawl anyways. I loved living alone, had no desire to cohabitate with anyone for a long time. This just seemed to work.

I met another and another.

I warned them, told them how old I was and their eyes would light up like stars going supernova.

And like all bright lights that burn with that kind of intensity, they didn’t last. And I remembered my lessons, and wished them well.

I met and dated a 28 year old for the better part of a year. He didn’t want children so I felt safe to stay. He also didn’t want to break up with his actual girlfriend either, a little fact he kept hidden from me, so safe he was not.
I’ve met men like him and there are not enough women in the world to plug that black hole he has where his heart should be.

But this isn’t about him.

This is about the Last One. Also 28. I wanted it to work.

I know the pieces fit, I watched them fall away. Tool Schism

Schism
ˈs(k)izəm/

noun

1. a split or division between strongly opposed sections or parties, caused by differences in opinion or belief.

synonyms:

division, split, rift, breach, rupture, break, separation, severance; chasm, gulf; discord, disagreement, dissension

 

But we are not opposed. We are like-minded and compatible as fuck.

However there is discord.

And an ellipses.

I am sitting in the abyss, refusing to become a monster, and just waiting.

I will be waiting here….
For your silence to break,
For your soul to shake,
For your love to wake

Rumi

I left myself that note last year, Romancing May to December.

I have seen enough examples of these things working. He was 16 and she was 32 and they are still together into her 50’s. Another relationship where she is 20 years older, another going on 8 years now with her 22 years his senior.

Just because this isn’t normal doesn’t make it any less viable.

Yes, it’s rare, but so am I.