The Other Kind of Apocalypse

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fucking fuck.

Louis CK does this bit about God coming back to earth and seeing what we did to it…

He says over and over “WHAT DID YOU DO?”

This is the loop of the week.

Just no.

Not her.

Why her?

You have at least 25 000 sycophants to go trolling through when you get drunk and lonely.

You had me until you went after her.

King of all Fuckbois. Master of FuckShitUpandLeave. The Mad Scientist behind the Plague of Male Poets, he smashed Pandora’s Box to smithereens and let out death.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand………I loved him anyways…a lot.

We had an online fling-thing, my first. Likely my last, all things considered.

How to date a virtual ghost

Step #1 just don’t

(So endeth the lesson)

You aren’t a ghost, you are an asshole.

I am embarrassed to admit, the thing that made him leave me, (or so he said) was this.

Him: I’m surprised you have so many female friends, you being a stripper and all. Most strippers I have met aren’t like that.

Me: Most of the strippers I know are awesome, I think that’s part of the reason I gravitate back to work in those places.
I always had a hard time making girlfriends. I now have some really amazing ones. We protect each other.

Him: Why was it hard?

Me: Small town and I am really really really pretty. A lot of jealousy flying around, people judge.

It was the second or third ‘really’ that he said turned him off of me.

Oh honey, I WISH you knew me just a little bit and how hard that was for me to say.

Poof.

He missed the important part.

WE PROTECT EACH OTHER.

I admit, I was ashamed of how hard I fell for him and how fast considering the unanesthesized evisceration he had performed on me a year earlier and his penchant for being a cranky asshole in public. And I defended him, adamantly. Poor little misunderstood thing. Only one word in that sentence is true, “thing”. Jury is still out on his humanity.

I figured out why he is like that and let it slide.

He wiggled around gleefully in the freedom I gave him to just be him. I did the same.

Opening yourself up to someone like that , trusting them and then having it torn away, kinda feels like murder. Except I was expected to live after, knowing the one who killed me was walking around free, and smug. Maybe it wasn’t expected. Maybe he meant to kill me for reals. Nothing would surprise me at this point.

The funny thing? He should want a confident woman. One who can hold her own while he tears her down. One who carries her own sword. Lord knows he needs one to put up with his tantrums and well-crafted poetic insults.

He wants to be alone. He loves the wallow, there is no other explanation.

I was adrift again, waiting to see how things played out.
He was gone for 15 months before…patience, I has that.

Slowly but surely I was left to dwell in that darkness alone.
Everyone just clicking their tongues, and leaving me with a tattoo of my folly.

Love not shown IS love wasted ~MX, and I fucking showed it.

And then there was light and it was good.

She saw everything. Another writer. My only cheerleader in this and her pompoms were made of iridescent dandelion fluff. She is angelic and empathic. She held my hand and said the magic words. “He isn’t gone, I can see your love for him, and it is glorious and necessary. He needs you.”

You had TWO women in the whole fucking world who cared for you, TWO. Two women who saw through your bullshit and loved you anyways.  Supporting each other no less.

And you fucked it up.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

Did you read the thing I wrote that named her? I cannot possibly be that important to you.

You got drunk and your ego got hungry and you picked her because she is sweet and beautiful and kind.

And you did what you always do to sweet and beautiful and kind. You cut her up and attempted to devour her. But you cannot eat light Michael. The sucking power of your black hole ego is waning as you age.

She messaged me that night. Showed me what you did. I thanked her for taking that bullet for me and I let you go in the same breath.
Of all the things you have done, this I cannot abide.
You could’ve done anything to me and I would have and could have (and did) gracefully taken it. But not her. No one hurts her, she is sacred AND YOU KNOW WHY.

She was a bridge and you burned it. She was the only way to me and you took a match to the map.

You’re so afraid of being happy because you thought someone would take it away from you.
You didn’t realize I was the only one who didn’t know how to leave until you lit the way with your napalm mouth.

So scared of being left, leaving is the only thing you know how to do.

Or maybe you are insane. The jury is still out on that too.

You are really really really pretty and so are your words when you use them nicely, but you got real fucking ugly real fucking fast when you attack my friends.

I have redefined apocalypse. It’s just a veil lifting and showing more truth, this is the Greek definition. So I’ll take the end of many worlds happily. This one most definitely. Your world is a terrifying place with tests that are Herculean and cannot be passed because you change the rules every 5 seconds and to lose is death.

“It’s a fool who plays it cool by making his world colder” (The Beatles). You make Hoth look tropical. I don’t want to be your Taun Taun, I have too much living to do. I save those who want to be saved.

Now I know I can be completely open and loved for it. I know I can lose something precious beyond all things and live through it. As things unfold for me, I know why this happened. I had to let you go. Give me what I want or something better. I AM better for it.

I’ve been known to take in stray dogs from time to time. Just keep in mind, I already know you bite.

You can wag your tail, but I ain’t gonna feed you no more. ~ Hound Dog, Big Mama Thornton