I am piecing together what I want from love, into a quilt.
Been saving the prettiest scraps I have found in humanity for years, hoping to make something beautiful and warm.
This is how I love. It’s simple.
I want to contribute to the ease and joy of your existence.
By allowing, acknowledging and appreciating this and me, you contribute to mine.
Your happiness is my happiness.
I spoke to my Guru yesterday. He fixes me when I break. I got stuck in my dark place. Okay, got stubborn and camped there. He saw, brought a flashlight and walked me out of the woods. We spoke of dreams and nice things. I lit back up.
I have to drop this false mantra of mine…”I wasn’t expecting this”.
BULLSHIT, I have been waiting for it…Always.
I’m falling for someone. I am so scared. I’ve been fucked over, proper fucked. Like the rabbits in ‘Snatch’. Like Bridget Fonda in ‘Singles’ I used to have a flowery list of traits for my ideal partner. Hers shrank to ‘someone who says bless you when you sneeze’, mine now just reads ‘Ferris wheel’.
Okay, not exactly.
This new one fucks like my kind of monster. Listens, proves it. He does not believe in one single thing I believe in, but he believes me. He is completely mutable and thereby holds my interest. He is beautiful and ginormous.
Guru: …you’re already scared
Me: Terrified Daddy-oh. I cannot justify changing that good core I have. I am a good fucking woman, quite literally. I have learned my lessons. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to be me and be loved. Pedestals for both of us that let us see eye to eye.
Guru: no argument from me, darlin’… breathe and know you’re loved.
Me: I want love And the ever loving shit fucked out of me on a regular basis, by the same person. Who looks at me and says ‘me too’, or ‘explain that to me so I understand’ or ‘baby, try this instead’. And also takes me on a Ferris wheel.
Later…
Me: Hey great and powerful Oz…Can I have your permission to let go and feel what needs to be felt for this one, and can I have a shiny floaty bubble of Glinda Goodwitchyness to keep me from fucking it up?
Guru (aka Oz): I got a great big goblet of hope that you don’t fuck it up… and you’re gonna feel what you’re gonna feel…just ignore the man behind the curtain… ’cause he’s of no use to the outcome whatsoever.
Me: Just on my knees looking for divine intervention, or a big sign that says Eat at Joe’s.
Twenty seconds later, the sign came.
I AM really fucking amazing. I forgot for a minute. Okay, 3 days’ worth of minutes.
I kept getting the same message from unrelated sources, the last one hit home.
They all read keep being you & DON’T EVER BE SORRY.
They’re right.
My heart, my love and wants are well-honed, reasonable and make a lovely blanket.
