Tarot Therapy and the Literal Devil

My fortune cookie says, ‘compel yourself to do something today you would rather not do’.

That list isn’t terribly long.

I can see it from here.

The basket of laundry that has been sitting in the middle of the floor needs putting away.

My suitcase needs unpacking and I am not ready. Princess cat has made herself a bed on top of it. Hasn’t moved since I walked in the door 8 days ago.

Figure out what else needs to go from suitcase A into suitcase B for this trip and make sure the cats haven’t slept on any of it.

Which also warrants a thorough sweeping of the floor to minimize the amount of cat hair that travels with me.

It has been ungodly hot this week, today I can move around without feeling faint. Small miracles.

Couple that with the fortune cookie and today is the day.

I remember the first time I went to the island of fuckboys, I had no idea how cold is was really gonna be, I know better now.

Sweaters, knee socks, boots and jeans. Leggings to layer under my dresses.

I still have some clothes there but other than 2 sundresses and a pretty cardigan, I couldn’t begin to tell you what I left behind. Feels like another life and mayhap it was.

I have money waiting for me, and friends and they put the second pole back up. I am dreaming of stage shows.

I have a feasible and solid escape plan in the event that the car is too broken to fix.

Apparently, I am learning.

I am not who I was the first time I went there. A broken ghost of a girl who was forcibly shoved onto a plane to stop my moping. I am not who I was the second or third time I went. I used to be an optimist. Rose colored glasses obscuring all the red flags that wave in the wind hat never stops howling.

there is no ‘maybe it will be different this time.’ I already know it won’t be, but I am, so that’s something.

The chivalry was somewhat imaginary. It came with a price that was too high to pay. I doubt I am the queen anymore and I don’t need to be. The kingdom was broken and drunk, and so was I.

They do call it the Rock, just like Alcatraz. I don’t see much of a difference.

I survived 2 years with no magic before I was rescued. I think I left some behind.

Ariadne picked up on one island, just to get dropped into the apocalypse desert.

Chiron went retrograde today. We are now being forced to confront our abandonment issues. I am so ahead of the game.

I am almost doing a case study of myself as I move through this new phase in my life.

I know what I would have done before. I am not that girl now it seems.

I did things this time, different things.

I purged the blog, that was huge and hard until I found a shortcut and just ticked boxes.

‘Apply bulk action’.

Whatever the opposite of ripping a band aid off really quick is. Stitching something closed then cauterizing it last minute instead to stop the weeping.

Changed notification tones, ring tones, playlists. Tucked things in drawers. Got one of my girl groups to send me dorky memes and poems via email to bump everything else over to page 2.

Like Wesley in the Princess Bride. I know the dangers of the Fire Swamp. Flame spurts were proceeded by a certain noise. I keep managing to maneuver around the lightning sand, I know what it looks like so I can avoid it.

But what about the rodents of unusual size?

Well I am going back to that island, they are prolific there.

---

I wonder how I appear to other people sometimes.

I don’t go to church. I have never found any comfort there and I have built my own religion of sorts. When bad shit happens, I pray in my own way. My scripture just looks different than the pious. My prophets are conduits like me. And sometimes I use cards to talk to god.

I started this by saying ‘my fortune cookie says’. Straight into yet another Princess Bride reference and now let’s talk about my 4 hour tarot therapy yesterday with my Colorado Viking witch.

My past was 10 of Wands reversed no less. Oh goody. Double whammy.

Carrying burdens that were not mine. Taking on way too much responsibility for others without even knowing. Enabling co-dependence. But the reverse kicker is I didn’t see it or feel it, just felt normal to me.

That’s astute. Pretty much exactly what was happening.

Next.

Ima skip the recent past card. It still hurts.

In my present there were pentacles aplenty. Laying foundations for financial gain. And the King showed up to remind me to take care of myself, that we perform our best work from a healthy place. I knew that already your highness.

My heart card was Strength and that hit me like a train. The visual is a smiling woman holding the jaws of a lion. Knowing it is dangerous but I am not afraid.

Knew that too.

The future was interesting.

3 of Wands. Ships returning to harbor, wait is ending, plans coming to fruition. Seeds sown reaching their potential. But the harbor and the ships struck me. I am going back to the weigh station. I already knew this.

The first future card is written. The second is malleable and depends on decisions I make going forward.

This was a warning.

The Devil.

I suppose I knew the devil is waiting for me there. The corporeal one with many faces. And it is the place of excess, addiction and vices for me.

Unfair contracts or agreements will rope me into something that benefits others more than me.

Basically big neon letters saying IT’S A TRAP.

But I lived in the Fire Swamp before, I know the dangers, I could technically build a summer home there and live, just not overly happily.

It isn’t my ever after.

I didn’t exactly need the cards for all of this, but I am grateful.

I know what just happened, I know what I walked away from months ago and I know what I am walking into. I am only 8 months sober. What I am doing is dangerous. But I also know it has to be done.

I have done hard things before and survived. This chapter needs closing so I can start a new one.

That suitcase needs unpacking so I can pack a new one.