Browsing Tag

sanctuary

lost boys

Afternoon Delight

April 20, 2016

 

10566518_677936838928947_116710642_n copyOh, I know
I’m holding on
I’m holding on to a ghost

I know
I’m tangled up
I’m tangled up in your ropes

I know
I’m skippin’ work
I’m skippin’ work like a stone

I know
It’s ok I’m not a-ok right now
Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker, N/A OK

That happened, verbatim. And I got coconut oil on that dress, I love that dress.

I am not ok right now.

And for my next trick I will reach into my recently retired winter purse and pull out… a carrot peeler?

And resume my position of puddle girl crying on the floor.

Only in my head. Okay, truth. My eyes leaked a little, but the flood seems to have passed. Just waiting on a dove and an olive branch.

We are almost done, I swear it. I can’t even anymore.

Sorry my Sunshine. I have tried fucking this poison out, crying it out, toughing it out and it just keeps ending up here. Skip over this if you must, I will understand.

The pen is my sword, my blood is my ink and a carrot peeler has become a catalyst.

My dad gave it to me years ago.

It’s important to me. I have lost a lot in this life, not that though, never that.

And I kinda want my Tupperware back. I don’t want it back so much as I just want back in the house and upstairs. I will forever wash the Tupperware if I can just go back upstairs.

I still read his horoscope when I read mine.

This…

*Welcome to the Beauty and Truth Lab.
We’re coming to you live from your repressed memories of paradise, reminding you that you can have anything you want if you will just ask for it in an unselfish way.
Welcome to the end of your nightmares, beauty and truth fans!
The world is young, your soul is free, and a naked celebrity is dying to talk to you about your most intimate secrets right now.

Just kidding.

In fact, the world is young, your soul is free, and at any moment you will feel a flood of ecstatic compassion for salamanders, oak trees, clouds, toasters, convenience store clerks, and even the ocean itself.
I’m your host.
My name is the Sacred Janitor at the Edge of Time, and I’m proud to announce that this is a perfect moment.
It’s a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because you are on the verge of finally figuring out exactly what it is you really want more than anything else . . .

Fucking Postcard from 1952 is playing again, seriously?

Hadn’t heard that song in a week, but twice in two days. Still a thunderpunch to the heart.

Add *Rob Brezsny and a carrot peeler and I have flashbacks galore.

The one I call Giggles and Human Serotonin was sitting with me at the bar one night, the Giant was messaging me. In an untoward and forward manner considering he has a girlfriend. But I was feeding it. Love does that, makes you bend. Sometimes at the knees.

I asked him to come get me and he didn’t. He’d been drinking.
She answered in her 19 year old way of making pouty dolphin noises.
For a minute I wished I was her, at least she had a shot with him if you considered their age.

She asked me why I couldn’t let go.
I told her I was in love with him.
“Well, have you told him that?” she asked.
“No, honey, I don’t know how.” I said (except here and now like this I suppose)

I vowed aloud to her the next day if that happened again I would walk out the door to him.

I had to wait 3 whole days.

He messaged on a Tuesday, said he was home asked if I wanted to watch a movie.
I didn’t even have to think about it.
I made some half-drunk bullshit excuse ran out the door of work and hopped in a cab before he changed his mind. Passed about 300 bucks worth of customers on my way out. Didn’t care, still don’t.

We were both drunky when he opened the door and I stumbled inside.

We had more drinks.

We giggled and laughed and talked and touched like we hadn’t spent the last month apart.

We fucked with reckless abandon and lightning bolts louder and brighter than before, to that damned song. Explosions in the Sky. The one that only previously reminded me he promised he would stay. After I promised him that if she wasn’t the one I would just take his hand and take him upstairs. I don’t break promises, I did exactly that, twice.

Now I reminds me of him, inside me. Us. Molten and moving.

The carrot peeler happened the next day. We had a lunch date planned. I brought over pasta and made parmesan curls with it, all fancy-like.

Whatever had been holding us back physically had dissipated the night before, never to return.

There was no music when we went upstairs, no false pretense of a movie. No cover of darkness. I got to see him in all his glory, holding me down and open, blocking out the sun. Like an eclipse, I stared too long and the image and halo are burned into my eyes and memory.

Earlier I danced in the kitchen to a live John Mayer album while he finished off renos in the dining room, occasionally sneaking peeks at the other through the doorway and smiling. I caught a glimpse of what life would be like if he had stayed with me and I floated around that fucking kitchen, doing dishes and grinning like an idiot. Idiot being the operative word.

Both of us.

And I say this with all kindness intended.  My darling Giant. You are a fucking idiot. Who lets this go? Who lets me go?
At least I hope you are an idiot, it’s that or the world’s most beautiful liar. Please be an idiot and then stop doing that.

 

What if this storm ends and I don’t see you? (Snow Patrol)

13015240_549184381909189_3479689208906613334_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

Sanctuary for Mali

May 3, 2015

mali-the-ele

 

There is a mantra I use when i get overwhelmed “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time”

Alter that a little. How do you SAVE an elephant? $5 at a time.”

I have been sitting on this idea for a while. I have always been fascinated with the idea of “Sanctuary”, any human in trouble can knock on a church door and be safe from whatever evil lurks outside.

Yesterday I met with a dear friend, Pedro, and this idea I had picked up some serious momentum.

It’s been 60 days since I heard about Mali…I have been plotting and planning ever since. My friend John has been crucial in the process, confirming that she still is in the Manila Zoo, having my back and pushing me to research research research.

I have been given a voice and an audience with the success of my blog and Facebook page.

Time to use this little bit of influence and power for good.

I run the risk of y’all getting sick of me as we forge ahead, single minded. But the more you share, the bigger this gets and the faster we enact some change up in here.

_____________________________________________

When I was little, my grandparents had a beautiful house in East Lansing Michigan.
It was my happy place.

Across the street lived a typical family, couple of kids, couple of dogs.

They had, to the best of my recollection, 2 poodles and a Doberman that lived IN the house. Out back, they had a sheepdog named Sheba.

Sheba lived in a 10×10 pen with a doghouse. Winter, summer, rain or shine. I remember asking my grandpa one day why she had to stay outside when the other dogs lived inside, “I don’t know Punky” was all he said.

Every day, twice a day my grandpa would walk across the street, and feed and water Sheba. I would go with him. I liked her better the 2 times a year when they would have her shaved down, she looked like a Muppet and didn’t smell as bad. But I always loved her, big brown eyes, always happy to see us. My hands fit through the chain link and I would scratch her nose. My grandpa loved her so I did too.

Twice a year she would get knocked up, and twice a year she would break out and find refuge at my grandparent’s house, once having her babies under the car in the middle of a snowstorm.

I showed up for a visit once, and we didn’t go see Sheba, of course I asked why, “she’s gone Punky”. I remember deciding she went to live with a nice family who let her inside and loved her. The truth is she had a shitty life. But twice a day, she felt cared for.

This set my internal bar for how I treat animals. And upon further pondering, I realized he showed me the power of one person alleviating the suffering of one other being. You can’t change the whole world, but you can change pieces of it.

There is so much evil in the world, I can’t take it. None of us can, we all cope in different ways. Shutting it out seems popular, getting overwhelmed to the point of paralysis is also a common coping mechanism.

I saw the picture of Mali the elephant holding her own tail, and my heart broke for the millionth time. It breaks every day.

The story is this. At age 4 Mali was captured in the wild and shipped to a zoo in Manila. She lives in a concrete pen. She has not seen another elephant in 33 years. Her health is failing. She needs out of there, onto grass and around other elephants.

She has been in prison for 33 years.

The family structure and bonding of elephants is stronger than ours, by a lot a lot. Female elephants live out their entire lives in the herd they are born into. They have babies and help each other raise them. They have been known to bury and mourn their dead. In the eyes of many they are sentient beings, like us, they feel emotion and are self-aware.

My first thought was ‘research’. Is she even still there? Is this real or another outdated Facebook heartstring puller? I did one better, had my friend John confirm when he was in Manila.

She is alive, and there.

I can’t fly to the Philippines twice a day to give her food and water, nor am I an elephant, which is what she really needs, the company of other elephants.

Second thought, sign the petition. I did, and one better I shared it on my Facebook page.

But then I did more research. Half a million signatures over 3 years, a secured verified place to put her, Sir Paul McCartney on board. Why is she still on concrete and alone?

Third thought. This is a hostage situation. Everything has a price right?

I managed to raise $1400 in 7 days for a friend in trouble from a collective pool of 500 people on social media. My Facebook page is about to hit 12K and I have access to 500K more if I ask nicely. I started formulating a plan. I am going to buy this elephant and relocated her my damn self.

Brilliant plan right?

In theory, but in theory communism works.

I did more research, at the behest of John. One thing I read (written by PETA) was, ‘if we buy her what is to stop the zoo from using the money to buy more animals’. Good point.

I extrapolated with the help of Aaron Sorkin. One of my favorite shows of all time is Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. There was a plotline involving a hostage situation. One of the lines that rang true was a Sergeant saying “do you know what the going rate for a hostage is in South America? $300 000. It used to be $100 000 until one day someone asked for 300K they paid it, and now that is the going rate.” I am paraphrasing.

Fuck.

I know I can raise the money. There was never a doubt in my mind, and now I have help. What if I buy this elephant and then, less fortunate countries get this idea that they can hold elephants hostage? The white ladies will pay…whole new problem.

Scrap that plan.

Give me a corner, I will think around it and draw you a map.

I have the blessing/curse of seeing all sides, always.

God bless PETA, but they are trying to instill western philosophical guilt on an eastern country more concerned with pride than the welfare of an animal.

And honestly kids, so is their right, both PETA and the Agricultural Department of the Philippines.

This is another culture we are speaking of, halfway around the world. It is pompous and vain to impose our values on them. We did that when we came to North America, look how that worked out for the people who called this continent home for a millennia. Not so good.

So, what to do?

I am still going to raise money and petition the Philippine government. To build an elephant sanctuary, in the Philippines, and to retire Mali there along with any other elephant in the country.

Save Mali and save even more elephants.

I would like to live in a world that sees animals as something to be cherished, cared for and respected.

But until we get there, we can change one thing at a time.

Share this post, often. as many places as you can. tumblr, reddit, tweet it, keep it rolling.

Sign the PETA petition.

I’m starting the gofundme with $500 out of my pocket.

Donate what you can, $5 bucks adds up fast, and with that we can change the world for one lonely elephant.

 

gofundme.com/tm4vj98g

 

 

 

 

men

Triggered

December 25, 2014

Kings are being driven from their kingdoms with allegations of rape and videotapes of wife beatings.

Everyone is running willy-nilly with torches and pitchforks, convicting both victims and offenders in the kangaroo court that is the internet.
I am one in 4.
One in 4 women who have experienced sexual assault and one in 4 that have experienced domestic violence, more than once by different hands. I really should be in my blanket fort built from PTSD colouring until this shit storm passes, every other word is a trigger warning.
But I am not, I am here, I am okay.
I am a submissive. It’s not a cross to bear, it’s wonderful and I love it.
I was beaten and raped. Not a cross to bear either, more like a tightrope to walk, lean too far and splat.
I know why I’m submissive, I was WAY before the rape for the record. The rape had nothing to do with play of any kind, or even sex. But we’ll get there, in probably about 850 words.
I have tried many a thing and I revel in the power exchange and dynamic that exists between opposite sexes. Sex isn’t just sex to me, it is the only time I am fully content…wait. It’s the only time when it is a possibility that I might become completely content. A few other things bring me to this state as well, but let’s stay with the sex.
I love being a woman, and when I am fucking/getting fucked, I want to feel like a woman. Kinda a weird thing to say, but I walk around on guard all day every day, I want to feel safe at home, in bed, with him. Maybe it’s leftover puritanical ideals or 1950’s mindset on what a woman ought to be. Fuck it, I don’t need to dissect everything I like, there is joy in mystery. I like my sex rough and raw. I get off on feeling small, used and cared for…those 3 things can co-exist. They truly can.
I have this nagging sewing circle voice in my head saying ‘this isn’t politically correct you know…” STAAAAP, my blog, my vagina my rules, stop reading if you’re upset, or troll. I’ll be over here getting laid. My way.
I heard a woman say, when asked these two questions “when do you feel the most vulnerable and when do you feel the most beautiful” her answer for both was, “when I am naked in front of a man”. Her words are my truth. To be truthful, I enjoy feeling a little scared.
So, how do I find balance considering I’m a rape victim.
First and foremost, I’m not a victim, rape or otherwise, ever.
Second, I know it had nothing to do with sex at all, nor was he a partner in which I had ever engaged in any kind of sub/dom play. He wasn’t my partner at the time. He simply wanted to terrorize and hurt me and he did. One person did this To me out of anger, I don’t blame others, or myself.
It was 14 years ago. It happened, I lived. It’s okay. And it rarely comes up, except lately.
I have been single for almost a year. I do so very much love fucking. So what is a girl to do? Um, date and fuck.
I have adopted a full disclosure policy. If they can survive the first barrage of bullets, they get to stay.
Bonus round, I say very plainly, I was raped. And watch their faces. 2 outta 2 have had this storm cloud of pain cross their eyes while they digest these 3 words. This is the only acceptable reaction, I hate having to say it, but I love me more.
To be plain I have had 3 partners in a year (gasp). The first one didn’t get the speech, because he was the first and I had no idea what I was doing and also…he showed me so much respect, patience and earned trust during the courting process. Yes, he courted me, twice even, I simply just felt safe.
The new one climbed on me the other day, at his house, in his bed, pinned my arms down and said, ‘you’re trapped’. Time stopped whilst the following happened, in my head.
The Royal We assembled at light speed and assessed. I should been in hysterics, fighting and clawing my way out right? That’s how it goes. But on this day, it didn’t happen that way. Instead there was this
First thought “is this a test?”
“Um. Maybe”
“We told him right?”
“Yes”
Deep breath
“Are we actually scared right now?”
Hesitant “no”
“Was this fear ever necessary outside of the circumstances that created it?
Definite “No”.
Is every other time this has been triggered a shitty Pavlovian response?
“Yes”, except that one time. That boy really was an asshole.
“Does it serve us in any way?”
“Maybe”
“Does it serve us right now?”
“Nope”
“We good?”
“Yep”
“Okay good, as you were.”
All of this occurred in the time it took my heart to beat twice and I was back in the moment, naked and vulnerable under this 6’ 3” Giant of an amazing man and I simply went back to enjoying him.
As I write this I realize, like fucking lightning strike, I have not dated anyone over 5’ 10” since I was raped. I was raped by a big dude. 14 years ago. But, but, I have always liked big dudes, I am 5’8” and like I said I like feeling small. Apparently we weren’t ready, I just stared longingly at the heels in my closet and waited…without realizing I was waiting.
This is the moment where I win. That situation has no power over me anymore, I don’t live there. I haven’t lived there in a really long time.
So, what can we learn from this?
Have I found an ideal partner, well ya, this confirmed what I already knew.
This is about me being better, and by better I mean finally healed.
error: Content is protected !!