I wrote this whole article and I was looking for a pic to go with it, found this.
Sucker punch of truth right to the throat.
He did this to me. And I did that thing that I do where I tried to understand it, tried to be a better girl for him.
I watched Suicide Squad and saw myself in there. Just a ‘lil bit. But even a little of that is too much.
Apparently in a parallel Marvel universe Joker and Harley fell in love before he was damaged.
But not in this one.
I don’t want a life that resembles movies or comic books. I don’t want to jump into vats of acid to prove my love for someone. I don’t want my brain shocked and rewired to fit someone else’s ideal of what a woman should be. I have been a woman for 42 years and seriously, I got this.
There are spoilers in here.
You have been warned.
My dad’s middle name is Harley. Always thought that was so cool.
My dad is awesome.
The bar should be sofa king high for the men I date. And it ain’t. Couldn’t tell you why that is, probably best to ask my therapist. See if we can work that out before I date again.
I shouldn’t stand here and say that none of the men I have dated have cleared the bar. A few of them have, raised it a bit, right before they left. So, does that even count?
I don’t know what counts anymore. 1+1 should equal 2 but somehow it keeps coming out to 3 or more or negative one. There are variables and percentages and none of them add up to much of anything all things considered.
I saw Suicide Squad 1.5 times.
The first time didn’t really count as we went to the drive-in, pulled up at the wrong screen waited way to long in line for popcorn that wasn’t there and missed the first 10 minutes, and the screen was way too dark. Went back again to a small theater with reclining seats and took kiddo 1 and 2 with me this time. Saw the whole thing.
I braced myself the second time around.
I worried myself with my reactions to the relationship between Joker and Harley Quinn. I was secretly rooting for them somewhere down in my damaged little heart, and I didn’t like it.
When he tried to pass her off to someone else, I felt ridiculously ill. It wasn’t the concession stand hot dog neither. It was flashbacks, I had someone claim to love me and still try to do that very thing. Didn’t set my mind at any kind of ease when Joker shot the guy after. It felt like he killed the other guy for refusing her. Nope, nuh-uh. Not okay.
I have, in the past, fairly recent actually, fooled myself into thinking that was an expression of love. I was shocked and damaged into believing it was the ultimate in trust and choosing one another. It ain’t. Honestly…I don’t even think the joker in question was buying what he was selling either. Add him to the list of those who left.
I have balked at the idea of monogamy and marriage for years. I was tortured, manipulated and brainwashed into thinking that wasn’t the way.
Been out of captivity for almost 4 years now and starting to get used to it, comfortable in all this space to move around in, explore, try this or that. Red pills, blue pills, drink me, eat me, see if I learn, grow or shrink.
Back in my mid-twenties, high school sweetheart was on the phone, and the subject of my ex-girlfriend came up. “So I know you like women” he said. During the long pause while he gathered his thoughts and balls I braced for impact, waiting for him to ask for a threesome.
Maybe it’s my period, or the memory or both, but I am tearing up at his 15-20 year old response.
“I don’t want to share you” he said. “Is that okay? Would you feel like you were missing something?”
That sigh of relief came straight from my soul.
It was more than okay.
My whole life up ‘til then and since then has always been guys finding out I had a girlfriend (or 6) and deciding I owed them a threesome.
Because? I slept with women once upon a time?
YA, UM…I DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE.
Bisexual never meant promiscuous regardless.
I love who I love. I want who I want, and if I want you, you don’t have to worry about who wants me. My body has ways of shutting that down, so does my mouth.
Once upon a time I had a Joker & Harley Quinn kinda love. A couple of times if I am being totally honest.
Intellectually I know better, but my heart gets so confused and easily swayed. Fucking movie love, has us believing, sadists, psychos and stalkers are capable of love.
When I took my son to see it we had a rousing conversation about how Harley had Stockholm Syndrome, had been driven mad by torture and captivity and it wasn’t love, it was madness and psychopathy. What good is being the Queen of anything if the King of the kingdom passes you around to his friends? That isn’t royalty, loyalty or love.
Then I saw something.
Joker’s right hand man comes into the room to tell Joker where his girl is. Joker is laying on the floor in a pattern of weapons, knives and roses. Top right there is a set of baby clothes.
In Harley’s ideal delusion, “he married me.” Heart sighed again. Stupid heart.
For a minute there I thought ‘maybe he did love her’, in his own twisted way. But that does not negate the fact that he first had to lock her away and drive her insane to force compatibility. I have been there, locked away for months at a time, drips of Chinese water torture wearing away at my self-esteem and my own morals until I was a bleached out crazy version of my former self.
“Will you live for me?” right before he had her swan dive into a vat of industrial chemical waste.
What I almost did. What I am writing a book about.
Logically I know this is not okay.
And yet I sat in the theater and cheered them on in spite of myself.
My eyes welled up with tears when she said “I lost my puddin’.”
I’ve lost my puddin’ a few times, lost my mind too…but that’s okay, I’m finding myself.
Something loving, mutual, sane and easy, hold the puddin’.
