I don’t know who needs to hear this but get in the fucking shower, get out of the clothes you have been in for days, eat a vegetable, clean your closet. Please.
Make your bed, change your pants, wipe that shit off the counter.
It’s me, I needed to hear this. I need to do this.
My way of life has now become a government recommendation and I am sliding into the pit of stench and sloth. Because I am now allowed. Not exactly why, but still. I found myself on a scary precipice.
I pulled myself out thankfully. That was not okay.
Day one of correcting my sleep cycle.
I was thinking about the Hulk yesterday.
The man and the ride.
The man…well, he goes dark like I do. He messaged me asking where I was, if I was safe and how the social distancing is going. The last part was a bit of a joke. Quarantine is the word for how we live. Only go out of necessary, avoid large crowds etc. We are checking on our introvert friends too. It’s too easy to depression sleep for the foreseeable future.
We made a pact to check in. I used to remind him to take his vitamins, it’s time again.
We split 5 years ago yesterday and I still checked on him. Less and less over the years. But still. Love doesn’t stop, it just changes, or it was never love.
Hulk the ride? Hulk is bae. Fuck I wish I would have ridden it when I was down last time. I was just so tired from 2 days at Disney and I needed to go back to the condo and recharge. My spoons were gone, and I couldn’t people anymore.
Now I am scared I won’t get another chance.
I have panic issues. They were at their peak when I was married. The sky was always falling, and I was living in a state of walking on eggshells for years. I have learned to deal and create rational thought processes, also to say things out loud if they feel…weird and unpleasant. It helps.
But with so many thoughts, feelings, facts, false information flying around, everything seems within the realms of possibility doesn’t it?
I know I will go to Disney again. It’s just weird that its closed for the first time since 9/11.
They closed the US Canada border yesterday too, the world is pretty much shut for now.
The scary issue is, we don’t know until when.
When will the other shoe drop?
We keep waiting for the spike, the climax, but when I did my last grocery run today, everything seemed quiet but semi-normal. The bigger retail chains were closed, but there were people just wandering around, lottery kiosk open, As Seen on TV store, open. Didn’t make sense to me.
But nothing really does.
I have a horrible confession to make.
I flew home Friday night. I stayed in the same clothes I flew in, no shower, until Monday morning.
I was pretty fucking ripe. Totally grossed myself out. But I couldn’t move.
I had a long term, low grade panic episode with a massive black cloud of depression on top.
I was paralyzed.
I sat on my bed and stared at…
The wall
My phone
Pornhub
Netflix
And that’s it.
I knew I had to clean unpack and repack, but I didn’t. I took in exactly as many calories as I needed to continue existing, but that was all.
I started today the same way, filthy. But with a twist, cleaning lady came to fix downstairs and I decided to finally clean my room and get my shit together.
I hadn’t unpacked since my last Wolf trip. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. A 15-minute task took 4 hours because I kept checking my phone for an hour every 5 minutes. There was a finality to it that I wasn’t ready to process. I am the girl who has only been in one place for more than 11 days at a time since November 21st 2019, same day as the first reported case of COVID-19 oddly enough.
It was hard to unpack with no idea when I am going to repack. It hurt me and scared me.
Things are going to be painful and hard and scary and we have to do them anyways.
To all the people raging against staying home. Stop. At some point you are going to have to face what alone feels like and it is not as bad as you think it is.
It’s now 9:34am the next day. Downstairs is decontaminated. The last of the groceries bought, responsibly, I will actually go through 7 tubs of yogurt in 14 days. Bags unpacked. Laundry in the washer. I still haven’t showered since Monday (still, post first, shower second, I fucked up starting the washing machine). My brain is less dark, but now what?
One of the most heartbreaking movie scenes in my internal filing cabinet is in American Beauty.
Ricky Fitz’s dad hits him, and says he needs structure and discipline. Its not that part, its Ricky’s response. “Thank you for trying to teach me, don’t give up on me dad.”
I too need structure and discipline, or I will watch the same 3 shows, sleep, be dirty in the same clothes, jerk off and not eat for days on end.
It is not a part of my personality that I am proud of, but it’s part of me that needs to be negotiated with.
What better time than a government enforced quarantine? Takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit.
I am safe in my attic space. Yes, sadness is bound to creep in…but what about all those things I have been putting off doing, reading, writing, learning? Why not now? Theoretically, I can’t be sad if I am busy.
Wolf and I are separated, but why not do what our grandparents did and write to each other?
I asked him today if we could tell each other one story every day, something old, something new, a memory together, anything really. He said yes.
I’ve had a timer to drink water every hour for a month now. Why not limit my social media too? Set alarms to write, to shower, to eat.
Maybe finally learn how to apply eyeshadow, do Tai Chi, do my squats and eat my vegetables. Fix the bag of clothes that need mending, read some books, write some too.
This is not how any of us wanted things to be. But it is the way they are.
Check on your friends, introverts or extroverts, be smart, be safe and for fuck sakes have a shower.
