“Sarah Needs…”

Once upon the Facebook there was a random floating copy/paste status that said “type your name and the word needs into google search and post the results.”

Apparently “Sarah needs love and batteries”, in that order.

Sounds about right.

I can add to that list.

I need a hard reset, I need to know my worth, I need someone who sees it, I need to listen to my friends. I need to be alone for a while. I need to finish this fucking book and get it to the editor. I mean it’s technically done but I gotta go over it one more time.

I need to stop with the ‘one more time’. Step up or fuck off. I need to learn what the word done means.

Sarah means Princess in Hebrew and discontent in Greek, I am both of those things, not in that order.

I once wrote, the worst thing about making something out of nothing is when the nothing starts to show through.
That’s all there is right now, nothing.

Sarah needs something.

Gemini season is not being kind to me this year. I look forward to it like Christmas, except that one year when a Mercury retrograde ate it all up like the Nothing from the Never Ending Story.

Even Rob at  https://www.facebook.com/Rob-Brezsnys-Free-Will-Astrology-133041234078/ knows

Actress Marisa Berenson offers a line of anti-aging products that contain an elixir made from the seeds of a desert fruit known as prickly pear. The manufacturing process isn’t easy. To produce a quart of the potion requires 2,000 pounds of seeds. I see you as having a metaphorically similar challenge in the coming weeks, Gemini. To create a small amount of the precious stuff you want, I’m guessing you’ll have to gather a ton of raw materials. And there may be a desert-like phenomena to deal with, as well. 

I want out of the desert.

I was to go ‘away’ twice before the end of June, but here I sit. We aren’t going anywhere.

Things fell apart, the center didn’t hold.

I held, for as long as I could. I usually do, it’s my M.O.

But right now it is looking like a limb torn off (Band of Horses) and like all phantom limbs it is gonna ache and itch for a long time comin’. Better to cut it off now though.

I wasn’t happy.

Like a low grade fever that just slowly sucks all your energy until getting dressed becomes a chore, eating is optional and all I want to do is sleep. Happiness is a shimmering mirage that I can’t reach.

I was talking to my son the other day about the concept of happiness. His friends think he is a mess, and in truth I have been a little worried too. Not now.

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Him: It’s better than before. I think for a long time I was actually lying to myself

Me: About?

Him: I wasn’t really that happy before. I’ve just actually come to terms with it

Me: I mean no one is. Life is contentment and just existing with moments of profound up and down that sometimes drag on

Him: But I just mean I was lying to myself when I said I was happy a lot, I was more miserable then than I am now. Now I just show it

Me: It’s not lying so much as hindsight

Him: All my friends have been saying I seem worse than ever but the truth is the opposite

Me: I didn’t understand what actual happiness was until lately

Him: It’s hard

Me: It was all the stuff I took for granted. Peaceful days. Good days with you. Paid bills. A good sleep a good laugh. Not all the big shit, although that’s nice too.

Him: Those are what’s important

Me: We need Canada’s Wonderland passes…speaking of the big stuff

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I could use an actual rollercoaster instead of the proverbial one I have been on. It’s just all up and down, no twists, turns or exhilaration, just low grade nausea and an impending sense of are we there yet, I kinda want off.

I love that my son is light years ahead of where I was at 21. I was stumbling and fumbling trying to figure out how to be a parent with no idea who I was as a person. We learned together. He watched everything I went through and god bless him he learned from my mistakes.

Why can’t I?

So shed your skin and let’s get started (Hunters & Collectors)

Sarah needs DMT, to set everything on fire and start over, to get lost, to find my damned self.

And I definitely need love and batteries.