So much can change between May and December.
I feel like I live most of my life between April and October then I just hibernate and regroup. We had a warm November so I stayed awake.
Spring I wake up and Fall I wind down. Winter = sleep.
This past May I still resided in my old apartment. I was supposed to be alone, but that never happened. Kidlet moved in, we got kittens, my puppers Alice loved them as her own. Sunshine (who would become my roommate) was over at least half the week. I got fired, I got tattooed, I got new glasses…that tattoo though.
My girl made me a work outfit and I took a mirror selfie so she could post it to her site. Posted it to Instagram, got a message asking what it said, scrolled back through looking for the pic above…and it wasn’t there.
I had only sent it to he whom it was intended for.
Loyal till the end and then some apparently.
I still won’t speak a bad word about him. He deserves as much.
But he is gone. He was around this time last year, gone again, back in May and gone again.
Still gone. But not forgotten. Tattoos are kinda indelible after all.
So be it.
All my boys of summer are gone too. Football was one night in May. Continued sleeping with the Giant into the spring, I don’t think we made it May. April mayhap. Not going to go digging in the dirt looking for specifics. That may have been the last appearance of Wolfling too. Hot Neighbor stayed around for most of the summer but I haven’t seen him in forever it seems. Thai Fighter, Lumberjack.
Oh my young ones. So beautiful, so absent.
Where have you been my blue eyed son? Oh where have you been my darling young one? Bob Dylan
I don’t really want to know, I just wish them well.
I thought I found love but I think it’s just more limbo.
My ability to look at something and believe it will last is intact though, despite the beating it’s taken.
Me and my big clumsy heart. We never learn.
As I sit here reeling, healing and dealing… I have realized I am doing really well. My optimism returns in spring, like bulbs planted in the fall. Something inside me starts to stir, stasis ends slowly then all at once. Then I push through and bloom.
I had a glorious summer. Full of adventures, good sex, good company, a little bit of chaos and Tinder. This is far from the winter of my discontent. I am calm and content and resting.
I was claimed a few times, cast aside just as many (way more) and I am still here.
I decided something the other day. I am going to stop seeking answers. Instead I am going to start finding better questions.
Been asking “what’s next?” with a smile on my face for a bit now.
I think my favorite might be ‘why not me?’ not in a whining cajoling kind of way but more in an ‘everything is possible miracles occur and I am worthy of them too’ kinda way. I’m worthy.
The other night at work I was talking to one of my girls, mentioned my penchant for being a cougar and another girl chimed in stating very matter-of-fact “My boyfriend is 22 years younger than me and we’ve been together 7 years. We have had our share of fights but not a single one about age.” I could have kissed her had I known her a little better. Still might.
During my farm life I knew a couple. They had tiny dogs and a nice house, horses and I loved visiting them. They’d met a million years earlier. She was married, with kids in high school and he was the paper boy. They had an affair and it never ended. I met them 20 years later and the love between them was obvious. I wish I was still in contact with her, she was always full of big sister wisdom for me.
I am drawn to men substantially younger than I. They suit me, their energy matches mine. I always walked into these relationships believing them to be temporary. But…on a long enough timeline, with enough of them under my belt with every possible open ending having occurred I had a thought.
Maybe I am actually learning, me and my collection of ‘we almost made it’. We did almost make it…getting closer. Closer…closer…
I am the only one stopping myself. My ingrained idea that it won’t work. Always looking for answers and not asking the right questions.
So, on that note, hey universe…
What’s next and why not me?
Everything’s impossible till it ain’t (Carnivale)
