I have been running from place to place and plane to plane for about 90 days now.
Florida was my longest duration in one place, I think. But that was 2 x 2 days driving, 2 hotel rooms, 2 different condos and 2 days at Disney in the middle. So, I am not sure if it counts.
Time is fucky here.
Dave was on a phone call outside my bedroom door this morning and woke me up, I heard him before I opened my eyes, so at least I knew where I was. I was mad about it earlier, but now I am glad. I would have lost the entire day. Not that I am doing much with it.
I have to ask 3 times what day it is, almost every day.
I have phantom
alarms still going off at odd intervals in my phone. 12:15 just said Wolf.
If it’s Thursday, and I think it is, 2 weeks ago he was heading over right
around then.
I left to see him a month and a day ago. That does not make sense at all.
But January was 84 years long so…
I should be doing laundry and finishing up what I can do in my room, for now, without spending any money. There’s furniture to shuffle and things to put away. But I don’t want to.
I should be writing porn.
And I can’t.
I spent a good chunk of yesterday feeling catatonic and/or crying.
It’s lingering. At least the crippling nausea is gone. Replaced with several small devils with pitchforks trying to stab their way out of my womb. Great, I’m not pregnant.
There’s a snowstorm here so work isn’t happening. Too far to drive on a slippery dark highway to sit in an empty, cold club.
I need a day.
It’s been 28 days since my last breakdown.
Actually no. We have to reset that to zero.
I got diagnosed with PMDD 9 years ago right around now.
You would think I would remember I have it and duck and cover accordingly but noooooo.
I gotta go and be a fucking mess every time the moon does a thing.
(I am not blaming the moon; I love the moon)
In my defense, it is never guaranteed that I will become hysterical. But a good way to push the odds out of my favor and make it happen is to drink or take Plan B. Done both of those things in the last lunar month. Whoops.
Now, for clarification I met Wolf 234 days ago, for reals, I just counted.
We spent 3 days together.
We started dancing around the idea of a relationship 170 days ago. Of that 170 days we have spoken at least once a day except for 10 of those and been physically together for 19.
It doesn’t sound great on paper, but the quality of the time spent is unparalleled and phenomenal.
We were joking about 100 000 emails but honestly, between texts, hours spent on Skype, emails and phone calls, I think we are getting close to that number.
Of course, I wish we were closer. Long distance isn’t ideal, but something about getting picked up and spun around in various airports, whisked off to cute little hotel rooms and eating sushi in different cities has a certain charm to it.
What is not charming is my fucking uterus going full nuclear meltdown when we are together.
I said earlier today that I need to dig into why I get like this and fucking heal already. And I do. But some of it is this.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/308332.php#symptoms
The original diagnosis questionnaire I filled out I had 16/17 symptoms. My anorexia trumped the binge eating. Yay?
For a PMDD diagnosis to be made, a patient must experience at least five symptoms, including at least one of the following:
- feelings of sadness or hopelessness
- feelings of anxiety or tension
- mood changes or increased sensitivity
- feelings of anger or irritability
Other symptoms of PMDD can include:
- apathy to routine activities, which may be associated with social withdrawal
- difficulty concentrating
- fatigue
- changes in appetite
- sleeping problems, whether excessive sleeping (hypersomnia) or insomnia
- feeling overwhelmed or having a sense of a lack of control
I have all ten of the ‘at least one’.
I used to call it feeling Chicken Little. The sky was fucking falling god dammit.
That makes it sound cute. It is not cute. Its me having to hang up the phone with Good Karen yesterday because everything coming out of my mouth was a horrible self deprecating truth and she was trying to talk me down but I couldn’t even feel optimistic or worthy enough of any kind of kindness to listen. So, I cried and stared at the wall until Brian go home.
So, what do I do about it?
Anti depressants aren’t really geared for this and leave me feeling numb or worse on the other 27 days of the month where I don’t feel like a sore, bloated, ugly, unlovable abomination. I take my vitamins when I remember to, so often but not always, especially not lately with the constant moving around. Yoga and UV light help a lot. Probably why it didn’t hit me in Florida.
Writing this is helping a bit.
I posted this article to Facebook
https://moon-child.net/rethinking-mental-illness-are-we-drugging-our-prophets-and-healers/?fbclid=IwAR38iFuL9HNbyXb7RtD_J86TC_WC2k1H9hJeUiZzLjDXRZbmBX0CAQQ190s
And a woman replied describing my symptoms/diagnosis exactly and I felt a little less alone.
I think, like literally everything in my life, it’s a little from column A and a lot from column B.
The thing that changed this time around is this.
I wasn’t met with scorn from my partner.
That small act in and of itself triggered me to start figuring this out.
I am beating myself up extra bad this time because of the aforementioned not getting a lot of time together and I would prefer absolutely none of those hours are spent crying over anything other than an overwhelming series of orgasms.
What went wrong, okay, I see 75% of that now, next step, how do I stop it. Instead of allowing the usual amnesia that happens after I become a completely different person for 2 days. Like all of my sins and crazy get washed away with the red tide. Setting monthly reminders on my phone so I know what’s coming is a start.
I believe I have unresolved trauma that surfaces in very ugly ways when I am drunk and especially corresponding cyclically with PMDD. Not drinking is on the list of how to lessen the symptoms of PMDD by the way. I still need a fucking exorcism for whatever else is going on with me and I am my own priest.
The devil you know and can prepare for is better than the one who meets you unaware.
Author’s note: 2 minutes after I hit publish, my period showed up. The sky is not falling anymore.
stay tuned for the continuing saga … 28 days later
