If it was real, it won’t matter. If it wasn’t real, it doesn’t matter.
I miss knowing what was real.
New moon next Tuesday.
I have Ruby Thewes in my head yelling, “shut that door, it’s freezing, and shut this door it’s freezing.”
Aye Ruby, it is.
Finally shutting that Sagittarian new moon eclipse portal from last month. Dummy me didn’t realize it was still open. I need to pay better attention.
The universe is a big water park apparently, miles and miles of tunnels and slides and long lines.
I hate water parks.
Which is weird because I love water.
I think I took a wrong turn down a portal and I can’t get back to where I was.
We really aren’t supposed to stay in one place forever, I know that. But the loss is so fresh I have barely been able to accept it, much less grieve.
I have no idea where to go. I don’t know where I am.
I have this laundry list of shit I gotta do.
Covid test, quarantine, surgery consultation, Patreon account, see if I can get back to my old Milton routine where I actually did stuff in some semblance of order. I used to get up early, write, schedule posts for the day and then go to work. I need some structure and discipline.
2020 turned into this phenomenon of too much free time and I squandered it.
I’ll go back to work IF it opens, more content and promotion if it doesn’t.
I want to work so bad.
Almost a calendar year of ‘meantime’.
I’ll keep plugging away at the new book and try harder to sell the others. Maybe do part 2 and 3 of Wolf and Witch and get that over with.
I need some closure. I need a map out of here.
I am the Gunslinger slowly going insane because I once existed in a parallel paradigm and it is no longer real, but it was, he was, but he wasn’t and it isn’t.
Apparently Mars started doing a thing last July and it was bad juju, conflicts and skirmishes, cosmic fuckery most foul. It ends today but that is cold comfort, damage is done. Would I have done anything any differently if I knew that before? Maybe, but I didn’t.
Can’t be helped now.
Live through this and you won’t look back ~ Stars
Brian used to make fun of me about knowing where the planets were and attributing anything to them at all really, then he would ask me what the moon was doing. I found that island to be quite backwards though. Full moons were peaceful, new moons were tangly as fuck. So much blood.
January 14th to 30th we get a tiny wee retrograde reprieve. Then Papa Mercury does his first backwards dance of 2021. Again for 3 outta 4 weeks during Gemini season. I had a nuclear meltdown over Gelfling last time that happened. June 7th 2015. I wrote about it so I wouldn’t forget. Irrevocable damage. We are still pleasant to each other, but truth be told, I haven’t thought about him in months, until yesterday’s uncontained explosion. He was supposed to tattoo my stomach last year, I know it won’t hurt if he does it.
Maybe this year or the one after. Time is not a linear thing for him. He lives in the portals I trip through. It is his state of existence.
I don’t care for it.
At least I get to turn 47 the day before that retrograde begins.
6 years of learning what not to do. I still do it anyways.
Yesterday even. No retrograde to blame, just insecure me.
Went too far, said too much, couldn’t shut up even though logic was screaming at me to just stop.
I vividly remembered breaking things with Gelfling, and I kept going.
Some things need to be broken.
I am tired of being good and being quiet and subservient.
Got me stuck here, in nowhere, with nothing.
Questioning my worth and my memories. Was it even real? Was this a game?
Standing in the desert with a mouthful of the things I wish I had said. No idea which way to go.
I know that if was supposed to be elsewhere without a heart full of regret, I would be. No going back now. But I really liked where I was.
And at some point, Brian is going to be right and I can’t gesture broadly at the universe and blame the planets or the moon. It just is what it is.
There are no mistakes, just things you do and things you don’t do. Olivier Martinez
2015 feels like a few months back, probably because the weather is the same now as it was then, and I just repeated a pattern.
I haven’t even been here a month and it feels like years.
2020 flew and stalled.
And none of it feels real.
I guess it wasn’t.
Or it isn’t now.
I will adjust, it’s what I do.
(Gunslinger reference, by Stephen King and Cold Mountain quote, by Charles Frazier)
Hmmm – Things that don’t seem real, and “Where to? What Next?” [that’s from* ]; I have that feeling. I just completed selling the inherited house after seven years of fixing and preparing, but not moving yet because the buyer is in Florida for the winter and is renting it back to me until May. {Blog post with details is pending editing}. So, there’s some surreality to the situation.
” In the darkness with a great bundle of grief
the people march.
In the night, and overhead a shovel of stars for
keeps, the people march:”
“Where to? what next?” — The People, Yes, Carl Sandburg
I have never gone this long without some kind of sign or kick in the right direction from the universe.
It is surreal and void and scary.
It’s rather like Alice’s predicament when she met The Cat. Which way to go?
—————
“Cheshire Puss,” she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. “Come, it’s pleased so far,” thought Alice, and she went on. “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where—” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question. “What sort of people live about here?”
“In that direction,” the Cat said, waving its right paw round, “lives a Hatter: and in that direction,” waving the other paw, “lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re both mad.”
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
————————
I’ve seldom known where I wanted to go, and made choices based on necessity, duty, love (or infatuation), or opportunity, and often spurred by one of those kicks in the butt. The cat is right, if we don’t know where we want or need to get to, any road will get us somewhere if we just keep walking. And if ever there was a surreal year, 2020 was it, filled with far more FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) than safety, security, or clear direction for most of the world.
Then this reminds itself to me:
“Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?”
― Lao tzu
Maybe that’s the message? Sometimes, it has been for me, but it isn’t easy.