New Rules

I’m realizing how hand shy I really am.
Unless I’m touching you…Ima think you’re a ghost.

 

Left myself that reminder in my Facebook memories.

Sadly, things haven’t changed much, ghosts in the machines, haunting me.

Lost fuckboi nation having a party in my inboxes

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“I got new rules I count em”

Fuck

Been out of my room 5 times today, there is an ancient 90’s stereo ghetto blaster type thing in the kitchen of the cathouse, always dialed to a top 40’s station. And I swear to the lord 5/5 times I have been to said kitchen, I got new rules I count em hits my eardrums. It’s starting to resonate and make some sense.

One, don’t pick up the phone
You know he’s only calling ’cause he’s drunk and alone
Two, don’t let him in
You’ll have to kick him out again
Three, don’t be his friend
You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning
And if you’re under him
You ain’t getting over him

I’ve got new rules, I count ’em
I’ve got new rules, I count ’em
I’ve gotta tell them to myself

She isn’t wrong this Dua Lipa.

And maybe I keep hearing it because I am not listening.

I read somewhere once upon a time that you can be shown all the signs, but unless you are ready, it doesn’t matter.

An angel of the lord could appear in my kitchen and say “what up dummy” and give me a good shake and I would still drag my feet on some things. I think this is just part of being human.

This is a new situation for me. I always forgive these men who leave me. Welcome them back when they come scratching on my door in the middle of the night, but this is new. He wants to pick up where we left off, calling me wifey, making promises and I don’t know if I believe him or if I even want him to.

It’s like some kinda déjà vu and I don’t know how to say no.

I got new rules. Or I should.

I gotta talk about the Last One and then I have to talk to him.

Actually maybe a little chat with all the ones who have been popping up in my inboxes since I made the decision to walk away from my old life and start a new one.

Mostly I just wanna say Fuck You. You weren’t around when I needed you, you don’t get to come running when I don’t.

Fair weather fuck friends.

The old DJ from work, immortalized in Monday Night Lights…”too bad you are leaving especially now that I am single as fuck.”

Really? How am I not swooning from the romance there, Jesus wept.

Another guy from another job “Now that you’re going away I can tell you I had a crush on you”. Wasn’t a secret sweets, and I ignored it because I wasn’t interested.

High School Sweetheart thinks that now he’s divorced I should drop this life I want and built to come running out there to him. No. I am sorry, but no. 3 years ago I decided to let that go and I have no desire to pick it back up.

Legs broke? You can’t get on a plane?

Why is this always on me?

I waited 26 years 20 of which I was raising a child so sorry if I didn’t uproot my child’s life for a “maybe, we’ll see.” And sorry I didn’t stick around after you gave the generous offer of working in my province 2 days a week so we could fuck and then you could go home to your family. You know that life you built and chose and I stayed out of and respected. Just asking for the same courtesy.

Those are easy to walk away from. HSSH a little harder than the rest but see above where I have had 3 years practice.

I know why I came here.

Wait, back up, I know why I came here the first time.

A month prior to my first trip the Last One disappeared, leaving a massive hole in my soul. I was inconsolable. So much so that when Panda said ‘let’s get on a plane and work in buttfuck nowhere’ I just shrugged and said okay. Went through the motions. She was trying anything and everything to get me out of my head. And it worked. Maybe a little too well.

I felt whole here, complete and happy deep down in my bones.

Two weeks later as we were leaving, I cried.

Walked around the house like a ghost still, just for different reasons.

Home wasn’t home anymore, I left too much of myself here.

And now I am back.

Still wasn’t feeling quite right but I have realized, I dragged too much of my past with me into this future.

Time bent for me, just backwards.

I have been on a loop.

Then I read this…

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
No one can be somewhat pregnant. You either are or you’re not. But from a metaphorical perspective, your current state is a close approximation to that impossible condition. Are you or are you not going to commit yourself to birthing a new creation? Decide soon, please. Opt for one or the other resolution; don’t remain in the gray area. And there’s more to consider. You are indulging in excessive in-betweenness in other areas of your life, as well. You’re almost brave and sort of free and semi-faithful. My advice about these halfway states is the same: Either go all the way or else stop pretending you might.

http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/20180301.html

This is beyond astute, it’s super astute. It is ultra-mega supreme truth.

Oh Rob, how do I thank thee? Let me count the ways, or maybe I’ll just do as you say. The best show of gratitude is follow through.

I keep going back to that last card reading I had. First comes sacrifice, then comes love.

I have to let go and make room for the new.