For 6 months I watched the first two Twilight movies every night and all day on my days off. It was all Twilight all the time. I drove in a blizzard to get to work to buy a bigger TV upon which to watch the Twilight. Okay, a few times I watched Beautiful Creatures and City of Bones. But really…mostly Twilight.I subtracted the guilt from my pleasure while watching New Year’s fireworks over the ocean last year, but this came close to adding it back. The ocean also took all the fucks I used to give.
I smiled when they smiled, and when she cried, oh god, my heart collapsed every time. Say what you want about Kristen Stewart, she is made of wood and always looks like she has to poop, but she can wail, lawds yes.
I know why.
My heaven is a big editing room and a Choose Your Own Adventure book as thick and convoluted as the Bible, with Pixar CGI so I can have pet dragons. I will sit with infinite coffee and cigarettes edit, splice and replay my life, with alternate endings.
I will go back to 294 Harbour Street when I was 18. We had finally fucked, under the glow of streetlights, in a spare bedroom. Climbed up on the roof, stealing a few more minutes. When he lets go of my hand and kisses my forehead and says “I will see you soon”. I will look him in the eyes and say “No, you won’t. 6 months from someone is going to die in the room right under us and I am going to leave town. A year from now I am going to have a belly full of someone else’s baby and you will be in the mountains on the other side of the country. A year after that we get one more chance and blow it. This is it. I have to go downstairs and punch your crazy girlfriend in the face but you aren’t leaving here without me.” He will believe me.
In the actual movie of my life, we are both 40. Haven’t been in the same time zone in 18 years. 3 kids between us, he is married and we just broke up after 26 years.
24 years later he will tell me that he still has a t-shirt I left at his house when we were 16, and that for years, he slept with it under his pillow. My first thought is just whale noises. My second thought is, why would you keep my shirt in your bed but not me? Therein lies an epiphany.
See how I might get a little obsessed over this star crossed love thing working out after 2 movies, complete with a magical kidlet, a cabin in the woods and the promise of an actual forever? It took us 4 movies to sleep together, but I didn’t get the happy ending, there was a Jacob, but that is a story for another day.
So why ‘break up’ now? 2/3 of our existence, belonging to each other.
That’s easy. TWICE in this year of never ending Twilight we talked to each other in ways we ought not to have. He is married, I care for someone. As shitty as it is to admit, his wife came second to my someone, and me really. I want a chance to actually love somebody all in. A month ago today I let go. The week before I almost got on a plane and he almost took a job driving into my time zone. I wanted to say goodbye with a bang not a long distance bill. Not to take him away from his family. Thank fuck we both had a moment of clarity.
Now you mark my fucking words when you try and justify cheating or being a mistress to me. 26 fucking years and we stopped and let go. I didn’t know if I would even exist when I woke up in the morning. That is how much of me was gone. It was a mess. I am a mess right now. But I am a righteous mess up here on my soapbox. I am clean. I feel like I just found out I have (CGI) wings. So NO you do NOT get to tell me your affair is some unique fucking snowflake. It’s not.
I am in possession of my whole heart and good god damn it is HUGE. This is a heavy thing I have in my chest, clumsy and slightly downsy. There are days I have to go for a massage and lunch with a friend before I even think about going near the man, because I need more touch and words than is fair to demand from one person. I know this.
Here is the better question. The thunder-punch-to-the-soul question.
Why did we not get together in 26 years, except that night on the roof? And why did we let go then? There was never one minute where I wouldn’t drop everything and run…
Except the times I didn’t.
I don’t have an answer. He offered to go see a psychic to extract his pre-baby whys. I already knew mine, they are directly related to his. I was terrified of everything in high school, especially him. To put soul recognition and love at first sight on two 13 year old kids is kind of a cruel trick for the Universe to play really. We thought we had all the time in the world to sort it out. We did, finally, just not together. It’s alright.
Even after the birth of his daughter, I was always waiting for him. In fact, he was on his way back and his daughter was conceived into being before he found a job. I call divine intervention. It’s on us too, I was angry, he was stubborn, I was scared, he was scared. It just seems like dumb kid stuff now, there was never a good enough reason until he married someone else.
Even then, 5 more years.
I know what love and patience are on a scale that is Oscar worthy. Think Cold Mountain, and this time I am Ada Monroe. Not as satisfying as the Notebook, but I think I am meant for a Silver Linings Playbook love, with the dancing and everything, and at the end we get biscotti.
Better than sparkles, infinite love and the myth of forever.
Myth indeed