I am so bad at math.
Mercury is in Gatorade again, and I feel like it has somehow been made worse by the Gatorade joke.
Like Papa Mercury is pissed at all of us for mocking him in his retrograde flight through the night sky. Even his most beloved children.
What a clusterfuck.
I can’t seem to find my motivation at all. Like none, nowhere. I am in a duck and cover holding pattern. I slept on dirty sheets for an extra two days because I just couldn’t get it together to put new ones on. Laundry sat in the dryer for a week. I cooked some food, got a haircut and did the absolute bare minimum.
Last night a hurricane rolled through. Pelting rain and crazy winds. Today it is relatively warm, the sun is out and there is no hint of a breeze.
Shit changes that fast.
And then nothing changes. “All I asked was that you stop fucking my friends over and clean the bathroom every now and again.” That was December. Nothing changed except she got way too drunk and I helped her. I moved back into the house and she just kept doing shitty shit. I ignored it as long as I could.
She just fucked them harder and I can’t remember the last time I cleaned the bathroom. She never bothered and I am on strike.
I have 2 directions I could go in at this point. I am standing at the crux of the Y.
Ima just stand here for a bit and wait for the ground to either start or stop shaking.
I will make no major decisions until March 26th. The day Papa mercury stops flying backwards in the sky. And the day I calculated Jail Bae would have phone access. But Lexi had a missed call from him yesterday. I can pretend he lost my number again, but that window is going to close shortly. Depending on how long it takes to process mail at a federal prison. That would also mean some other dude is looking at my tits right now.
My stoicism is waning.
I am feeling like Tinkerbell, I need attention, or I die. Next week that will change again I am sure. I will find my brave and clean the house.
I too am in retrograde, spinning backwards. Broken communication, lethargic and just generally feeling shitty.
I had the most delicious lucid dream yesterday. I closed the bar Sunday night, came home sober and couldn’t sleep. Dear John was messaging a warning, a day late. And Biker Body Pillow was not doing great. So I stayed up as long as I could. But I had a staff meeting at 10am and got maybe 3 or 4 hours sleep. I needed a nap.
I am not a napper. 90% of the time I wake up feeling shittier than I did before I put my head down. But this was different. Livid, lucid sex dream starring mister, complete with full physical sensation. To the point that I woke up and looked around my room to see if there was someone there. I did not want to wake up.
Then I spoke to Lexi, told her about the dream and got smashed on the rocks of reality when she said she missed a call from him. I really didn’t want to wake up.
Nothing can be done about any of it.
It is what it is, or it isn’t.
The forecast was all negative numbers until last night. Now we have a week of positives.
I am either going to move upstairs or I am going to move out.
I sat in the kitchen after a rather draining shift at work last night and remembered how much I love the sound of water running through the eaves. Everything was a frozen mess in stasis for weeks. Mama Nature gave us a bit of a reprieve maybe Papa Mercury will too.
Even if he doesn’t, it’s only 2 more weeks.
My fortune cookie today said I won’t get any rainbows without the rain and my tarot card reading said my emotional and spiritual needs will be met.
Because planets, and cards, fortune cookies and horoscopes.
This is the part where I get superstitious.
I expect you’ll be a paragon of persistence, doggedness, and stamina.
I am that. I will get back there. But right now, I just want to have another nap like yesterday’s.
