If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.
Second attempt at a post today. Let’s see where this goes.
I am in limbo. I acknowledge this and I am sorta kinda dealing.
I am pretty sure I already wrote this, but I have this theory that I died sometime last year, maybe the year before and this is hell. I re-watched The Good Place. That didn’t help put this theory to rest. No spoilers, but you should really watch it if you haven’t.
“Ever get the feeling that the writers are on season 5 of your life and they are just making shit get really ridiculous?” anonymous random quote.
And ya, I do.
It is plot twist after plot twist. Proverbial funeral after funeral for people I cared about, imaginary futures that never came to fruition and outdated versions of me who cared about those people that did me dirty and imagined those futures that never existed.
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The format for my WordPress has changed and I don’t care for it.
Maybe I don’t like change.
Maybe it reminds me that I have been neglecting this, and many other things. If I had kept writing like I used to, I’d be used to it by now.
4 years I wrote at least twice a week, and a book on top of that. I wrote the above a week ago and never sat back down. Just paid out my yearly 300 to keep this thing going. Suppose I should say something.
I had a woman message me out of the blue saying she appreciated me, and the page and this blog. She said “maybe the blog is the book.”
It just might be.
Huh.
Thanks Karen.
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If I were to look back over the years, the lion’s gate portal has always been a time of joy and change. Last year I was gearing up to come here, ran into an old friend and went swimming, had the most joyous of days and some upside down sex.
This year was no different.
Sex and change aplenty. Made some money and got right with my gods.
Today is the black moon, Venus and Mars just had a great conjunction, and I feel like that will be the end of the star stuff for a while. And that is okay. I came out clean and happy.
Leveled up with the Final Boss. The other one sorta came around and then went away again. Decided it was okay to message Sex Walking and that went okay for a minute. Even if that never comes to fruition, it’s nice to have some intelligent flirtation in my life again.
Lover Come Back is playing right now, and I am pretty sure it’s Giant’s birthday.
When I think back on him, and I do often, he is the definition of ‘worth it’. Nothing with him was easy, except the times we were together in the same room, then he was easy like Sunday morning. I had to do a lot of learning to love him. How can you love someone that much and not put a label on it? Si Cut, as is.
Which reminds me.
Talked to ex hubby at great length yesterday.
Rehashing and lessons on motherfucking lessons. I ended up in tears at one point. He didn’t say anything bad, I broke my own heart.
I realized a few things. The most poignant being, I didn’t love him as is.
Also…
We would have had a much better relationship without other people in it.
And I don’t mean the obvious sisterwife issue, yes, I had a sisterwife. He says he still gets shunned because people saw that as an abusive relationship, and I suppose it was in a way. But not the way they think. Got me thinking about small towns and rumor mills, fishwives and gossip queens.
I am always shocked when I hear something about myself. I guess I think I don’t matter enough to exist when I am not in the room.
Had a brief conversation with the Final Boss yesterday.
Went something like this
Me: half the bar came back to my house last night at 4am
Him; ya, I heard
Me: about the after party?
Him: everything
Me: Now what?
Him: you tell me
So I did. I had coked out strippers and customers coming in and sitting on my bed. Finally got to sleep around 5:30. It was roomies birthday week so he got a hall pass. A month ago I would have been in a bad mood about it for a month, but I am feeling better about everything lately. So it’s fine.
Except.
This is a small town, if not in population, then in mentality. Like the 50’s, but with internet and smart phones.
I told him I wish I was doing what everyone thought I was doing, which is I have 27 boyfriends and get laid constantly, like some kind of bakery, take a number, now serving customer 242.
I don’t actually wish that. But still, sick of people saying shit about me.
I suppose the lesson is there are always consequences, even for the things we don’t do.
But wolves don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.
I am not a saint, never claimed to be. Just a girl who wants to love and be loved.
