Jinx Removing

Ex hubby messaged because he’s having reoccurring dreams that I’m yelling and drowning.

I’m trying to convince him I’m okay, but there is some truth in his dream.

I am drowning a bit and I am trying to figure out how to stop it.

I know I just need to stand up, yet again.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.

I also have to figure out what I am doing wrong. I am not sure yet. But there is something.

I’ve had an absolutely garbage week, starting with Monday the creepy fuck boy and continuing on until, well kinda now.

Girls are mad at me again for whatfuckingever reason they have decided on this week and I’ve spent more than I have made. The ban on playing cards is still in place and I’m just cranky. Nope is docked at the harbor and that isn’t the easiest thing to deal with although, it’s been keeping me more sober-ish.

I’m going through hell, so I will keep going. Winston Churchill

That’s all any of us can do.

Except the ones who look around at their own hells and decide it’s someone else’s fault.

Me playing cards has nothing to do with how much money someone else makes.
I am not casting bad mojo around the bar, that’s the bad drugs honey.

I have a long list of things that are most definitely my fault. Mostly centering around mistakes I made with my child especially when he was young. I’m working on forgiving myself, but it is difficult.

We spoke on Mother’s Day and I apologized for the thousandth time for fucking up so bad and he responded “If it had have been easy I wouldn’t be so tough now, and I need to be tough.”

He is my favorite thing on the planet.

We have grown so much together since he was born and exponentially so in the last 4 years. He astounds me every day with his logic and determination.

I made a decision to be where I am and it was not made lightly. A few things I have done since then were regrettable see that last 90 days of posts about being drunk and sleeping with the wrong person.

There is no one to blame but myself however, and I know this.

I used to play the blame game. And my life just kinda stayed in a shitty holding pattern. The outside influence I was blaming would change, but my circumstances did not.

Until I realized I am the common denominator and these are MY patterns.

I still blame the moon sometimes and there are hormone fluxes I can’t exactly control, but I am, at the end of the day in charge of my damned self.

And my ‘self’ is a stripper witch.

I think I got comfy and cozy back home surrounded by likeminded or at least understanding people.

It’s not like that here.

They throw the word at me like it’s a bad thing.

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
— Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

See also, “I’m not a witch I am your wife”

I am no one’s wife and I am a witch.

All that means to me is instead of having a cross for comfort I have runes of protection on my door, black salt under my bed.

I clean and smudge when the moon is in certain phases. I can read your palm and if you are sick I can cook something that will make you feel better.

My superstitions are different than yours.

I believe very firmly in karma and what I put out comes back to me, so I try to only put out good.

Sometimes I fuck up,. I’m fallible and human and I’ve been drinking, but still. I wouldn’t wish ill of anyone. I might not want to share my space or conversation with you, but I’m not going to cast a spell to get rid of someone or harm them, because it will come back at me threefold. To me that’s better motivation to be kind than an old white dude up in the clouds watching me masturbate and judging me.

What it means is if you need a baby wipe or a Band-Aid, I will gladly give you one of mine because I can. And potentially one day I might fall down and need help.

I am currently burning “Jinx Removing” incense that was sent to me from home. I also know that if a jinx does exist, I created it, therefore I can reset my thinking and destroy it.

So mote it be.