I’m Back

I suppose it’s all out now.

I came back.

To the fucky island full of fuckbois.

“I thought you hated it there”, she said.

I did, sometimes. But also, I don’t.

Nowhere is perfect, perfection doesn’t exist.

The men here are maddening, but I didn’t come back for them. I came back for me, and a bar I love and a job I really wanted that was custom made for me. I came back with my eyes wide open this time. I know exactly what I am getting into and I know I cannot predict the future, I won’t even try.

A lot of my current friends came along at a point in my life where I really only aired clean laundry on Facebook, once in a blue moon if I was falling apart, I would say so. I figured if I forced myself to seem positive, positivity would follow.

And for the most part, it worked. Then I came here and Stompy happened, that started the avalanche of suck and I had no idea what I was getting into and I couldn’t get my feet under me for more than five minutes.

Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. Stanislaw J. Lec

But I am okay now.

I didn’t know what I was getting into and I truly believed it was going to be a cake walk with boy snuggles and it wasn’t.

No idea why I thought that. Roses have thorns and honey comes with a sting.

Like I said, I was doing everything wrong. So I got a do-over and I am doing it right now. Or at least better.

No more girl’s house. I have a pretty dove grey room upstairs to sleep in and a giant room downstairs to live in. No more hiding out in bed all damned day. I live in a real house like a real girl. I still have all the keys and responsibility of the other house. I popped by yesterday to ascertain how things were going there. Smoothish. First management meeting on Tuesday. I have all the passwords and a lot of responsibility.

I did a lot this week all things considered. I have a long way to go. At least I have coffee now. The first few hours of the first day were a bit rough. 7 days in the car during my 18 days away. I did not want to drive, but drive I did. Groceries, gas, and my last stop at Tim Hortons for a long while.

I made it to St. Apollonaire Quebec on the second day driving away from here. Picked my stopping point by sheer luck that there was an exit with coffee, food, gas and lodging all in a little roundabout 2 seconds off the highway.

I had a colossal melt down as I got in line for the ferry the night prior. A big black pickup truck pulled in behind me and I realized in that moment I was stuck leaving and I couldn’t turn around. A nice Newfie in the SUV ahead of me had a mini bar in the back (of course he did) and poured me a triple Jack Daniels so I could pull it together enough to change into my pajamas and I managed to sleep sitting half up in a chair.

I felt better the next day and the thought that kept me from melting down again was ‘I can always go back’. I walked around with matches and gasoline it seemed but I burned no bridges. So the same way I left in Novemeber, sad but determined to get back, was the way I left in August. No firm plan, but the firm plan I had hadn’t exactly worked out. I had places to land on the mainland and all the time in the world to figure it out. Had planned a trip to BC, had places to go and people to see. I got this.

Day 2. On the road for 12 hours on 6 hours sleep.

8:30 rolled around and I realized I need off the highway, I was dazed totally lost in my thoughts. 800 km on the same stretch of road. I really thought there would be more rest stops, but once I get driving I have a hard time pulling off the road. Highway hypnosis is real kids.

So I pulled off at my magical everything in one place exit and walked into a McDonalds. Phone in hand. 9 missed calls, what the fuck? Mark and Tina 3 Chains, text messages galore. “Call Mark right now” she said. “Call me right now” he said. Trying to order a burger in French, that didn’t go well, balancing my tray trying to get ketchup thinking, “I was only gone a day, did the bar burn down?”

I called Mark, he asked how soon I could get back, and that the job I wanted was mine.

I emailed my boss with terms, he agreed and added a few bonuses.

So ya, here I am.

I have bartending shifts. I am officially in charge of all things strippery. I am a literal Madame. Always wanted to do that, and now I am.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I moved into Dirty Uncle Brian’s house sight unseen and I like it here. Alice my darling puppers is with me. Mark got happy and exclaimed “she brought her dog, she’s never leaving!” I never say never, but I am here for a good long while.

All my stuff will be on a truck in a few days and before it gets here I have a lot of work to do. It feels good to say that. No more agony in atrophy. I have 3 winter coats and all my clothes coming. And yes, it’s cold here but I love dressing for fall and spring, and have landed on the island of fucky weather. My furniture and all of my things that make me happy and home.

I don’t know what the future holds, but in this moment I am happy and optimistic.