Ain’t that the fucking truth. I am really tired of waiting. So tempted to set everything on fire and start over. I have that option right now. I always do.
I watched Goodfellas last night. It’s been years. And I realized something.
2 things actually. Samuel L Jackson has a cameo appearance.
And
There are 2 kinds of Karen’s in the world.
The first wants to speak to the manager.
And the second?
I know there are women, like my best friends, who would have gotten out of there the minute their boyfriend gave them a gun to hide. But I didn’t. I gotta admit the truth. It turned me on. (Karen)
Until they turned rat at the end, none of their life seemed that bad to me. I kinda liked it.
I promised my girl Sarah I would write something.
Promised Sexy Peaants too.
Him and Lucy are the only ones I have been able to have a secret language with since I have been here.
Truth be told I miss him.
There is a meme that makes the rounds, actually 3 that will be cited here. Such proper wording for memes, but whatev’s, write what you know.
The first
Once you have mastered the art of dating fuckboys you must face the final boss.
Jail Bae/Mister has yet a new nickname.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Final Boss. Lucy and I dubbed his such as he slid into her DM’s before she got here.
Sarah says she doesn’t like him. Unfortunately, I do. He’s a good man. I won’t speak against him. When he said “out of sight out of mind” it wasn’t a challenge, it was a warning. I get it now. I broke my own heart with unrealistic expectations and that thing where I want to universe to unfold on my timeline, which is usually in the vicinity of now.
His boys made fun of me for taking away the Netflix. I said ‘when this current one changes her password and locks you out, you can have mine again.’ Then I saw her name on the tv screen and I knew who it was. Not a nemesis, just a girl I used to know.
Her?
I haven’t been a saint. He pointed that out. There was an overlap at the beginning. But I stayed faithful while he was a way and for a long minute before and after that. Much to my chagrin, irritation, anger and pride. I did the thing.
Then he dumped me, and for a minute there I had a different boyfriend.
And for a minute it was good, then it went back to same same no different.
I think I got so excited about the concept of boyfriend that I disregarded how I ought to be treated, twice. I am low maintenance. But this is really low. FB said he thought he would be bothering me if he wanted me over more than once a week. What planet are you on? That is literally all I wanted. Same thing, more often. He also said he didn’t really read the letters I sent, just looked at the pictures, I figured as much.
The other one just never shows up. He was good for a minute, checking in once or twice a day. Now, back to the nothing.
Fuckboy phone portal phenomenon. Wherein they text and immediately get lost in time and space and resurface days/weeks/months later. With a resounding ‘sup’. Or the newfie version, “y’at?”
Final Boss took the boyfriend thing very well. Said a pleasant goodbye, and then booty called me 72 hours later. Bless him. It was a hard no to say.
I was talking to Mark yesterday. I had posted a status about only being 55-75% satisfied with my life right now. I am trying to switch over from dancing to waitress and one of the shifts I thought I was getting, I am not getting. I threw a fit. Then woke up the next morning to cramps and blood. The situation was pout worthy, but I cried in the alley. 75% with work, less than 55 now with the mens.
The second
Your hoeness gets deleted with every period. Sins washed away with the blood of Christ.
If this is true, after this morning, I am immaculate. Motherfuckingchristsballs. Stood up, walked 2 feet and my floor and legs looked like a crime scene. I wasn’t even awake, and my first thought was “NO, not the rug.” Second thought, was I need coffee to deal with this. And at least it’s not on the sheets.
When Final Boss bootycalled me last week, I simply said “Can’t”
FB: period?
Me: boyfriend
FB: oh, I’m sorry
The former never stopped us before, ask my nice white sheets taking up space in the landfill.
Full moon tomorrow. Even if I hadn’t already known, the bloodbath would have been a dead giveaway. I am anticipating some kind of cosmic fuckery. Lion’s Gate is closing. It was a good one this year.
The third
God is love. But Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.
Normally I run to Our Sara of Lords to be absolved, but … this time it was Sexy Peaants who played priest in a box.
SP: How’s is the kiwiqueen of everything tonight
(He calls me the best things. And gives really good advice. I explained what had happened since last we spoke)
SP: Just stop putting your heart into it… get fucked and get fucked good. They don’t care about you the care about fuckin so play the same game baby
Me: That’s what my girl said last night
SP: Ya well listen to her
Me: Hence the ice pack
SP: Bahahahahaha. Well good ice packs are better than boxes of tissues. Ice your vagina don’t wipe you tears
Me: Quote of the week. You get a whole week peanut
SP: Hahahaha yes babys. Remember that now
Me: Fucking devil penis magic. I did give him a full list of why he might be Satan walking on earth. He agreed with me
SP: Get whatever you can for you babe … no one else gonna do you like you … so get it babe. You deserve to be fucked by the devil… I’m not there to do it so someone else better step up and break you off proper haha
Me: I love you
I do love him. He said I was a pistachio in a bowl of peanuts among a thousand other things. In the time called before we stayed in bed, both with righteous hangovers for an entire day, just listening to music, making out and telling stories. Sustained contentment.
I am handling things I thought I couldn’t handle. The reality isn’t near as bad as I thought it would be.
If they’ve taught me anything at all, it’s how to live without them.
I am a slow learner, but I get it.
