Here there be Wolves

Rumi says you have to keep breaking your heart till it’s open.

It’s fucking open. I should know. I broke my own heart.

That is how the light gets in, or out I guess. Cue the Stella Polaris in my chest.

As a result I seem to have activated the bat signal that brings all my old lovers a runnin’.

I am suddenly back on their radar.

Like all of them, except 3. Found some reason to reach out and message me.

When I hurt, they rally. Protective circle. Like musk ox, horns out, Sarah in the middle when there is a wolf about.

Here there be wolves.

Broken boys and rescue horses.

Drunken confessions of love, not so subtle suggestions from boys I have met here asking me to go home with them.

Nope. Not gonna happen.

I haven’t forgotten why I am here.

The boy is missing again and I am being comforted by ghosts in my phone.

But none of them are here.

oh god what am I doing here*

Oh here

Whoa here.

I said to my girl the other day “you are mourning a future that never existed outside of your mind. You created it, and once you realize that, you can let it go and make any kind of future you want. Or you can be mad and sad for a couple days and then do as I say.”

I have got to start following my own advice.

I broke my own heart.

She’s going through a break up.

Psychologists say the 4 most traumatic events any human has to go through are

Death

Moving

Break ups

Bankruptcy

I have been through all 4 in the last 2 calendar months. Including being down to my last $100 bucks. I have not been this poor since the beginning. It’s getting better, but it was scary for a minute. I’m bleeding out.

I ‘broke up’ with Giant to come here and did not grasp the gravity of how hard that was going to be. I was prepared for most things, but not that. The epiphanies keep coming and they are sharp like knives.

He drunkenly messaged me while I was cloistered in the monastery, declared his love for me, decided I should come home, but with the caveat that I can’t live with him.

To be fair we were talking about our doors always being open to the other so it wasn’t entirely out of context.

Almost romantic.

He says he’s coming for me.

We shall see.

My life resembles a romantic comedy directed by Quentin Tarantino and right now we are in the weird part, somewhere in the middle. I have no idea what is going on, I just trust he knows what he is doing.

Giant says I have come too far to deny myself the grand finale. He is not wrong.

Shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder and I am gonna tell the absolute truth here…thank fuck.

I am grateful for it.

That void that existed in February and spilled into March and April was taxing. Felt like January 473^rd for way too long.

There were 2 break ups to be totally fair. The Last One resurfaced late one night as I pulled into a hotel in Florenceville New Brunswick after being on the road for 14 hours and I could barely believe what I was seeing on my phone. I kept hope alive for a week and then I had to let him go. He said he was coming for me, I asked him not to.

It happened again.

I was on the wagon a week and I slipped off. Woke up at 7am yesterday with a righteous hangover and thirsty as fuck. Looked at my phone and said “Nope”. Got my water and went right back to bed.

Message from the Last One “You okay baby?”

When I woke up the second time, I’d convinced myself I had dreamt it.

Nope.

It was as real as any words are from any of them.

But when ghosts speak, I listen.

Especially when I am achingly alone and everything is fucky.

She broke down and let me in**

I invited more chaos. Let’s see how this plays out.

So we talked.

He left to protect me from the dark he carries around inside him. I know this.

He said I’m his lightning, I know this too.

I remember everything.

And that is how I break my own heart.

I expect them to do as they say.

I don’t need protecting, that is my job.

I would however, like to be rescued, just once.

He says he’s coming for me.

We shall see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Alessia Cara
**Fleetwood Mac