He Who Shall Not Be Named

$400 bucks and 5 months later I now have a functioning laptop again.

Turns out my Word issues were due to a failed Microsoft office renewal and my hard drive was failing.

I wasn’t wrong when I said the poor girl was in a coma. I just thought it was a bad update.

I didn’t panic. I was way to lackadaisical about it to be honest. Kept waiting for roomies buddy to come fix it, that never happened. Then hemorrhaged money for 3 months, plus winter driving.  Excuses excuses.

I am now sitting in the kitchen, smoke in hand, John Mayer singing Comfortable. Brian playing video games in the living room that is soon to be mine, and things feel alright. Made a beautiful lasagna and it feels and smells like home again.

I am amalgamating my bedroom and living room into the first floor living room with a door. Its going to be a lot of work, but worth it. I need a project that doesn’t include drinking and passing out. I am trying again. Fall down 7 times, stand up 8. More like 777 and 778 but whatev’s. Takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. I have 19 left. I got this.

I planted hyacinth bulbs the other day. I had to do something. This winter refuses to let go gently and is going out with a fucking bang. Subzero wins the week. Balmy -4 on Monday is about all we have to look forward to, and the bulbs, can’t forget the bulbs. I smell hyacinths and I am 4 years old on a warm spring day, playing in the dirt and my mom is laughing. I plan to have the room done in time for them to come into the light.

My amaryliss bloomed and went rather quickly. So did the man she was named after.

Had a dream my orchid bloomed again. That would be nice.

Once upon a time a woman I knew told me houseplants can thrive or die depending on who was around when they were brought home. I had a deliciosa that refused to grow, I bought it with someone awful. So now I don’t know if its my superstition affecting them or if its true.

2 days ago marked a year since I pulled up in front of the girls house. My only plants there were the other amaryliss with the other name and an orchid in a teapot that didn’t make it past the Nope. Still no regrets.

Wait.

I have one regret. His name is Jeff and he is a colossal piece of manipulative rapey shit. Other than that, even with the blackouts and the bruises, being known as the girl who cries and the craziness, I wouldn’t change a minute.

Maybe one or two. I regret not asking for morning sex before he left. I am greedy and he likes it.

Pussy is on lockdown for 127 more days.

I am having a hard time with tenses. Past, present or future.

Dear John is gone. He wants babies and a wife. The wife part I could do, but no babies.

The Lovely One too. Samesies. But we had some really amazing kitchen music parties before he left. Titties, Tito’s and tacos.

This is why I had that rule about not dating anyone in their 30’s without kids. Could never stand in the way of the agony and ecstasy that is parenthood and that is the age men start getting nesty. Putting that rule back in place. These two stung a bit.

I could have kept them going if I wanted to. But I didn’t. Could have made more effort, but why postpone the inevitable. Plus they both work away.

And I was otherwise preoccupied.

So begins the story of he who shall not be named. I have a name for him, but we will get to that later.

This guy walks into a bar…

With a bunch of guys I know, my people. Never seen him before. Couldn’t stop staring, stammered when I asked him what he wanted to drink. He smirked. My vagina exploded.

And the rest is a complicated messy story that has a lot of explosions, a beginning and a middle, and I can’t see the end.

I really don’t want to.

But for now I am in a holding pattern. She who waits.

6 weeks after the fact I finally got around to mentioning him to my PIC. She said “why didn’t you ask me about him before?” Well, first she said RUN RUN RUN, then she asked that.

“I didn’t have time.”

Within 20 minutes we had both asked who the other was and within 24 hours he came back to give me his number. Later that night I was angry fucking him after a dramatic bullshit night at work. I still have a scar I wear quit proudly from that night, I hope it stays.

Figured he was going to be another one off. Texting the next day I said “thanks, I needed that.” And he replied “anytime.” I said I had been on this island long enough to know you never plan ahead. But he kept showing up.

He kept showing up specifically when he needed rest and respite. And I was flattered to be honest. It is nice to be seen for what I am. Sanctuary with sex and sammiches. I figured out that if I gave him a back rub before bed he was less likely to fight in his sleep. I am spectacular sanctuary.

Figured out a lot after that first night. Still learning.

I now have jail bae and I don’t know what I am doing. Thank fuck for Lucy and Lex.

126 days by the time I publish this.

I am the kind of girl who likes having something to look forward to. See above where I planted bulbs that won’t be ready until April 30^th.

I am also the kind of girl who likes having someone to look after. Especially a giant, full on alpha male who growls when he is fucking me then tickles my back til I fall asleep. I like being seen and appreciated for what I am. I like feeling safe even though sleeping next to him is akin to sleeping next to an angry bear that is just coming to after a long winter and he’s mad about it. When I touch him and say hush, he hushes and smiles. I like how protected I feel standing next to him.

I like the earth shattering kaboom I felt when I saw him, and I like that he recognized it too.

I like that he is 40 and fucks like he’s 20, but better.