Go home Uncle Saturn, You’re Drunk.

After well over 10 days of deep terrifying darkness, reminiscent of my 7-year depression, I don’t see a light exactly but it is easing off.

That aforementioned cycle of six years of sadness and yuck ended in 2011.

I’m recognizing old patterns at lightening speed, understanding planets and I still don’t have a fucking clue what’s coming. All I can remember is the traumas but it seems like things change every 3 years or so.
Like right now for example.

I do know that the darkness won’t last.

I woke up yesterday and remembered what being happy might feel like.

Its a fucking doozy, this particular black hole I have been in. No doors, no windows, no hope or future that I can see.

Except

Something happened with the Hadron Particle Collider this week.
Not a weasel this time. But equally fucky.
I’ll post the article at the bottom.

The world slipped into the darkest timeline about 6 years back.

I remember when being alive didn’t feel like a low grade panic attack/badly written season 5 all the time; in the time called before. I have tried to pinpoint it. The moment where god threw up his hands and said fuck the world. But really, he left a long time ago. Childhood cancer exists, god cannot, animal abuse exists, god cannot, the Kardashians are a thing, god cannot be.

Shadows settle on the place, that you left
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness

I think I was looking for a singular event, like the toss of a dice, that catapulted us into whatever muck and mire this is. But maybe that isn’t how this works. The 2014 weasel caused a small rip and we, as humans doing shitty shit (Harambi for example) just kept ripping it wider and wider till the world fell in sometime in 2016.

I used to think Bowie was part of the rift, but I think he saw it coming and just went home.

We made it through 2016 with the clowns and the clown in office. And it just kept getting weirder.

And here we are.

Now what?

I cannot see a way forward, I have no choice but to look back.

Spotify gave me my year in review.

Ben Howard, Sigur Ros, Lumineers, Hozier, all good things.

But Youth by Daughter? My most played song?

No, no this will not do.

Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time, from the perfect start to the finish line.

Well shit.

If the super depressing song fits, lets analyze it shall we? An interpretive dance.

Historically speaking I do a year in review around now anyways.

Why wouldn’t I?

Its over right?

Or close to it.

It looks like I will be leaving the exact same place I left, exactly 3 years to the day, and for as much that has changed in the last 3 years, the next few months are looking eerily similar.

Are we looping?

What did I miss?

I can’t see the future, but I will bet money that Giant and I end up on a couch watching the Illusionist again, hopefully without the Norovirus this time, I think we are still immune. February will be the beginning of a different journey into surgery and recovery instead of driving the unknown. But a trip alone into the abyss with a long recovery period and tumultuous change just the same.

Groundhog day, year 3.

Maybe I can get it right this time.

So what did I miss?

If you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones, cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

That is a little too true.

So why is a 6 year old song coming back to haunt me at the end of the world?

It really is a beautiful song; painful ones often are.

Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

When Saturn dances across the sky, depending on where his feet land, we get lessons upon motherfucking lessons or, déjà vu and a whole lot of history repeating.

The last 3 years he has had all the grace of an angry, drunk, white guy on the dance floor at a wedding.

I saw a meme, and I will try to find it and add it here, about what Papa Cronos aka Father Time aka Saturn stole from each of the signs in the last 3 years. Accurate as fuck. All sanity, hope, magic gone. Until it wasn’t, then it was again, then it wasn’t and now it’s really gone. How many times did I almost die in Perdition…too many.  Punch drunk and drunk drunk. Trying to stay out of the path of the inebriated uncle at the wedding and failing miserably. Gemini…shocking situations huh? Shocked I lived.

Well I’ve lost it all, I’m just a silhouette
A lifeless face that you’ll soon forget
My eyes are damp from the words you left
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest

You win. I give up.

Been broken so many times I’m not even pieces anymore, just a fine powder. Add some water and fire, I can make a whole new vessel just to have some Hulk come along and smash. Is that what is supposed to happen?

I suppose, looping back to the beginning, if it wasn’t just one singular even that launched us into the darkest timeline, it cannot be one singular event to launch us out.

The cranberry juice guy was a good start, doesn’t erase anything but he was a tiny speck of light in the dark. Dolly Parton becoming a saint to take Carrie Fisher’s place. Saturn is leaving the station he has occupied for the last 3 years and moving into the dreamier, less harsh sign of Aquarius and chillin’ in the sky with Jupiter for a lil bit.

I don’t have any answers, I don’t even know what questions to ask anymore.

Wait, maybe I do.

In 2014 I was taught to ask ‘how does it get better than this’ whether things were good or bad.
I have fallen out of that practice and I once found it soothing.
Maybe I will go back to that.
2014 was pretty good. Saturn was just entering Sagittarius, there was some love, some loss, a lot of lessons and the first time I ever heard that song.

2014 was my first year of becoming what I am now, and I could not have made it through the last 3 without the 3 before that. I know this.

3 years from now I will be a slightly different person, maybe still in the same place but I will be far enough removed from now to see what I was supposed to learn.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone
Setting fire to our insides for fun
To distract our hearts from ever missing them
But I’m forever missing him
And you caused it

Exotic hyperons interact with protons at CERN