Me: and there’s the title “Gift of the Magi(c pussy)
Him: Perfect
Me: Sometimes I have to say things to you to make sure they make sense
Him: Of course, and this makes perfect sense.
Me: oh
my
god
This song just came on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhG-vLZrb-g
“I’m watching you two from the closet, wishing to be the friction in your jeans”
Him: Wow…That. Is. priceless.
Me: blog post coming up
…with special musical guests, Fallout Boy
…
I wrote half of this in a friend’s inbox. Just spit balling. Saying things aloud to see how they taste.
Less bitter than I thought.
Downloaded some new music, as I was typing, shuffle kicked in the old and voila. Full circle in under 11 minutes.
I read something the other day.
Atticus wrote it, something about ‘he let her go because he thought she could do better, never occurred to him to just be better.’
I’ll find it.
But damn.
Struck a chord, then another and soon there was a rather intricate guitar solo happening.
Sounded like Fallout Boy, “Sugar (We’re Goin’ down Swinging)”
Am I more than you bargained for? Yet I been dying to tell you anything you wanna hear cos that’s just who I am this week…
Me: I have a funny theory later if’n you wanna hear it
Him: Well of course. About?
Me: ______
Him: Haven’t heard that name in a while.
Me: Haven’t thought it in a while, but he came up the other day. The dominant/submissive conversation turned to the queen bee and who is really the slave, which led to books I want to write and this pain in the ass thing I got going now.
I had to explain his fetish out loud, and as I was doing it I was recalling conversations I had with him wherein he said he knew some women liked being fucked hard and long and he couldn’t do that.
I think he thinks he is sexually inadequate, but is drawn to these highly sexual women. I always knew where the sending the girl out and having her return thing comes from, it is constant reassurance of abandonment issues. But I am wondering if he even really wanted what he said he wanted. I think it was a Jedi mind trick that even he believed himself, and when confronted with the reality of it, he choked.
Him: That actually makes sense. Would explain some of the hostility/anger also.
Me: and that long-distance short-term relationship he had ages ago
Him: And why he’d be drawn to that dynamic
Me: I think his performance is either (what’s the right word here)…lacking…disabled, or he thinks it is.
Him: Or it’s a smoke screen because he is inadequate. But then again that would explain the anger and pushing away. Honestly that makes perfect sense.
…
Once upon a midlife dreary, I agreed to an open relationship mid-marriage, with a different guy, because I felt inadequate and thought it was the natural order of things.
We never got to the point where he strayed because I went back to my husband.
And I carried that feeling of inadequacy till now.
I told my Sunshine that I had said to my new one “Please don’t fuck my friends or pass me around to yours. If you ever feel like you want to wander tell me and we’ll go to a sex club and find a girl to suck your dick, but she stays at the club…does that work?”
She got upset at/for me.
“Stop selling yourself short, you are enough.”
Funny enough, that’s what he said.
He also said “You are Mine.”
I have tried all the options, all the subtle nuances and the not so subtle ones of monogamy and polyamory. I have tried sex clubs, fetish bars and those three words, with the actions that coincide are all I really ever wanted.
Anything else was old baggage and me making deals with god trying to be loved and selling myself short.
…
Back to our regularly scheduled previous conversation
Him (speaking as the other him): I can’t fuck you so I want you to do it then tell me because I enjoy it. But secretly loathe it and myself…so if I do long distance I’m safe. But then you said I’ll come to you and reality hit home.
Basically he got scared when confronted with the reality of it so his anger may actually be more at himself than you.
Me; Yep. I had an inkling ages ago started putting it in the book. All great romance novels have that Gift of the Magi component where one sacrifices something thinking they are doing it for the good of the other and they both end up fucked at the end, until they work it out.
His favorite bit of porn I ever wrote him was about him fucking me with a dildo
He loved it the most. Probably because it was feasible.
But it’s all extrapolation at this point
Other theories include multiple personality disorder and a few of the people in his head really hate my guts :p
Him; I mean this could be true too. But idk…this theory taste like truth
Me: Don’t it just? Little does he know I have the magic pussy that cures all. It’s my Gift of the Magi. Or just a gift.
…
Oh don’t mind me I’m watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be him
I’m just a notch in your bedpost
But you’re just a line in a song
Or an entire novel, whatev’s. I can’t sing anyways.
If this is the truth or something like it, I am truly sorry. Sorry that he couldn’t feel loved as is.
I know exactly how that feels.
The supposed utopia I was writing about in the book is actually a dystopia of epic proportions brought on by misleading conversations and lack of communication.
Once again, something that makes a great romance novel, but a bad romance.
