Giant Epiphanies

I just had a massive epiphany in the shower. Like huge.

Shaking from it.

I wrote the following article about an hour ago. But I realized something.

He is to me, what I am to the others.

The idea of caim, a protective circle. The embodiment of calm and soothing. Why they can sleep on me and have good dreams. The reality of sanctuary wherein anyone can knock on the door of a church and be allowed in, the be safe and sheltered without question.

He makes me feel like other people feel around me.

I know what I am now.

 

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I did a thing.

Made it 18 days without speaking to the Giant. Not a record, but all things considered, herculean effort.

Not entirely my fault. Watched Thor Ragnarok and when Chris Helmsworth gets his haircut and enters the arena, ya. That’s what Giant looks like.

The guitar player up the road from work has a penchant for playing John Mayer songs and last night one of the girls danced to Tennessee Whisky by Chris Stapleton. It’s his song for me.

The drawing of three.

I tried to severe things two and a half weeks ago because I thought I was supposed to.

Sent him a Panic at the Disco song.
This is Gospel.
Lyrics like “truth be told I never was yours…if you love me let me go.”
Music was always our first language when speaking to each other so it seemed appropriate.

More truth be told. I fucking missed him.

Told him so. Filled him on how things have been, which is not great.

I sent a screenshot of part of our conversation today to the group chat I have with my girls.

Panda said ew.

I found her reaction strange. I thought he was starting to grow on her by the end. Guess not.

Doesn’t matter. I love the fucker.

Talking to Giant and remembering I am still lovable even when I am a mess. That poor boy let me cry on his kitchen floor, put kittens in my lap, food in my belly and whiskey in my hand, wiped my tears and took me to bed more than once. Bless him.

He loves me consistently and unconditionally and has since the beginning.

The only one guy out of all the guys who have been terrified of me, the idea of me, the intensity of me to stick around and talk me through shit.
To explain to me why he couldn’t stay back then.

I get that I am a lot to handle. I also know I am worth every minute of it. Because he told me so in a way that I believe him.

And I have been a mess around him. My messiest really.

And he stayed.

And I left.

I am beginning to wonder why.

I have been more vulnerable in front of Giant than in front of anyone I have ever known.
It took me losing that luxury to see it.

I think that is what Panda doesn’t quite understand. The comfort and joy of walking through a door that is always open and having a man on the other side who can put you back together with a hug and a forehead kiss.

Talking for hours about stars, mythology and music sipping really good scotch until I forget what I was sad about.

He’s my Charon, always bringing me back from the dead.

His long distant advice was astute. Told me to get through this season. I am Persephone, anxious for spring and this is third winter version 7 point oh my god are you serious right now 4 inches of snow followed by buckets of rain a few hours later. Haven’t seen the sun in days.

“I’m going to follow your advice. Spring will be better. Summer might even be glorious.”

We talked about doors. He said I was a farther walk than before but his was still open.
Acknowledged that it wasn’t time yet.

I thanked him for loving me and he said I made it easy.