“For a minute there, I lost myself.” (Radiohead. Karma Police)
(see also, How to Disappear Completely)
It will go without saying by the end of this article that I’m not really blaming Mercury for my behaviour.
I’m not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens.
I’m joking (choking), I’m grown, I did this.
A week ago today, I had a meltdown.
Nuclear proportions.
Like Fukushima IF they had had the vacuum towers that suck everything up in the event of a disaster and contain everything within a day.
That is actually a thing, a fail-safe measure. Giant concrete towers filled with negative space.
Explosion happens.
AHHHHHOOOOOOHHHHHGAH
The doors open…
And
Whoosh.
Doors close.
Radioactive Mess Contained.
As well as any unfortunate soul within a 10 mile radius.
S’okay?
S’okay.
S’alright?
S’alright.
I have my own vacuum towers. Friends poised and ready to suck up all my shit so it doesn’t spill out and hurt the surrounding wildlife/inhabitants etc.
I leaked a bit. A lot a bit. Into the calm blue ocean.
I’m so fucking sorry.
I used to break down like this weekly, in the time called ‘before’ (5 years ago).
How the ever-loving fuck did I ever get anything done?
Oh, right, I didn’t.
And the guilt from the Nothing spilled over and made me feel weak, shitty, useless, cracked and I would explode again.
Conundrum.
It had been so long since I had a panic attack I couldn’t contain or sustain it.
It felt foreign and unproductive.
Logic had stepped out for a smoke and there was a delay activating the sucking it all up.
Which led to some collateral damage.
It remains to be seen if shit was destroyed or if this is a radioactive spider-bite resulting in super powers. I vote for the latter. Cosmic do-over.
I have had this life plan for a while. This blog is part of it. Big decisions were made, major purchases, shedding of material possessions, planning, plotting, scheming. Bravery on a grand scale was executed. I launched far and wide out of my comfort zone and found it remarkably comfortable.
11th hour, right on the cusp…
melt·down
ˈmelt-doun/
noun
a disastrous event, especially a rapid fall
an outburst of severe emotional distress; a nervous breakdown.
“they wondered what could have triggered her meltdown”
| synonyms: | breakdown, nervous breakdown, mental collapse;disintegration, collapse“she was heading for a meltdown and we chose to ignore the signs” |
Wait. The lie detector determines that was a lie. No, not the melt down, that was real. I have written proof.
It wasn’t the 11th hour.
T’was a slow burn, it’s been building.
I had doubts. I’ve been crying a lot. Sleep was elusive. Appetite was …decidedly fussy. There were tantrums.
We chose to ignore the signs.
But I said the plan out loud, so I have to do this right?
Wait, why?
Things I should have asked myself prior to Sunday.
Man-made catastrophes are always followed by “shit guys, we saw that coming…”.
Slow burn begets explosion.
The clarity is astounding when the smoke clears.
I did that wrecking ball masking as a pendulum thing again. Swinging way too far both ways.
Big house alone + Ontario winter = too much
So we must live in a tiny mobile home far, far away…right?
No.
SIMMER THE FUCK DOWN. Not everything is boiling hot or freezing cold.
Ever hear of a happy medium? Also known as warm and cozy?
Big house all alone in the middle of nowhere was dubbed Narnia.
New house shall be henceforth known as Happy Medium.
I am sorry for the things I said when my life was falling apart during my shark week on the full moon while Mercury was in Retrograde.
I was standing in the forest screaming at the trees again. I couldn’t see that things were actually falling into place.
Fallout contained.
It’s safe to come out now.
