Everything’s Fine

Anyone who has read all of these things I write might remember I was born backwards.

Full truth is I was breech, back down on my way out. I turned myself around in the ambulance and came out feet first.

So, in effect, it is my birthright to do everything backwards and the hard way.

I still do that.

“The ghosts of all the Women you used to be are all so proud of who you have become…” Nikita Gill

Well fuck, there it is.

I am a collection of old versions of myself. And all of us had to learn the hard way.

It’s okay.

Everything is fine.

I don’t know exactly when it will be fine, but its coming.

I already know.

This isn’t the first time I have been through this, but I know it will be the last.

I sat at the bar the other night playing cards and chatting with the bartender. He is amazing and about 20-25% of the reason I am here. About 80% of the reason I haven’t bolted in the night after all things that happened my first while here.

I would say “thank you”, but he won’t read this. He doesn’t want to go wandering around in my head, and since sometimes I don’t either, I don’t blame him.

He is getting married to a woman he was friends with for years. Said he wasn’t attracted to her until he was.

For a minute I thought, ‘how cool would that be, to go through life without knowing someone is gonna be of paramount importance at first glance.’

Then I remembered, the grass is not always greener, sometimes I have just neglected to water my lawn or it’s actually Astroturf.

I have met a more than my share of beings on this little blue and green ball flying around a yellow sun whom, the minute they spoke or I saw them, I just knew they were to be tangled in time with me somewhere. That I had something for them, to teach or to learn or I was just meant to love them.

This is not to say that I haven’t dated the wrong people or not had bad friends for a time here and there. I have. Especially in the time before my soul became quiet. After all the mayhem settled my intuition grew exponentially.

And truly, even the bad ones had lessons for me. Even if it was big glaring statements of what I didn’t want.

So I am sitting at about 100% success rate.

Especially when it comes to love.

I have experienced love at first sight twice in my life. Wherein I did things backwards, fall in love, figure out the how and why after.

I am currently struggling with the how right now. But, if I look back at the lessons upon motherfucking lessons I have learned, that isn’t exactly my job, to know the how. I showed up and I am not leaving. I will take my opportunities to speak and tell the absolute truth.

Learned all that the hard way at 13 years old. The first time.

I used to think it was a curse, that I would just ‘know’, ya know? It makes me weird, I have a hard time explaining it to people, except the important ones I guess. They get it eventually, like “huh Sarah, you were right”. I haven’t been wrong yet. I think it’s a blessing. Even when it takes them a while to catch up.

And it does.

The universe does not work on my timeline, which usually isn’t so much of a timeline as me internally stomping my feet shouting ‘but I want it now…now I said.’

And I am forced to wait.

But the things I wait for are the good things. The significant things.

I do not know about everyone else, I can only speak from personal experience, but the universe has been pretty generous with helping me run into ‘my people’. The ones who say ‘me too’ in a rousing chorus when I tell my truth. I love them, I truly do. I walked this earth so very lonely for so very long and may gods bless the internet for making it easier for us tribes to find each other.

Then there’s that next level soulmates union.

I wonder if because I meet all my tribe with such jubilation that the gods find it amusing to give me more.

I met someone last time I was here and I just knew.

I was asked today if I thought things would work out with the boy.

I do.

It’s not a matter of if, just when.