Eagle’s Juju

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Still haven’t heard from the Swain boy. And I am ready to publicly admit, he is 75% of the reason I am here.

I have done much more foolish things in the name of romance.

And I am sure I will again.

This time feels easy and good.

The first day I flew, clear roads, no traffic, just a cool grey day. Second day I struggled with icy roads, lack of windshield washer fluid, so many transport trucks and just general yuck. But then I saw the harbor and it was good, amen. As I pulled on the push door to my tiny warm cabin on the ferry bringing me here, everything was alright again. The ocean rocked me to sleep and I woke up refreshed and determined. I watched the sun come up as we left the ferry. Saw the second eagle that last day too, that ‘10 hours of driving to get me the rest of the way home’ day. That section of the drive that I was dreading but was the easiest part really, because I knew I was coming home. The roads were dry, I played leap frog and slingshot around at least 100 transports. Got tucked in with some good ol’ boys in pickup trucks hauling wood and skidoos. Reminding me of the boy in a good way. Stopped for gas and heard the accent again and it was so very good.

I made it.

I surprised myself on the journey. Pushed through Quebec and into New Brunswick the first night. The roads were clear and I was running on pure adrenaline. I finally got to a hotel 14 hours after I had left.

I was unaware, however, of how few and far between the towns are in that particular province.

I drove around a quaint little town for about 45 minutes trying to find the hotel, up narrow pothole covered and ice sheet streets, everything seeming to be the mythical place of our forefathers 5 miles uphill.

But I made it. And the woman checking me into my very lovely room old me I was brave.

Am I?

There is a fine line between bravery and foolishness.

I didn’t really plan this part of things at all. I planned the rest of it almost to death. Even drew a picture of my room so I knew what to bring. I bought a map in case I lost phone signal, but really I was just winging it. Never let my gas tank get below half, blindly followed the GPS onto a logging road after waking up in a much shaken snow globe.

I caught myself twice realizing what I was doing, leaving the only province I have ever lived in and driving 3 days away into an uncertain future. But those thoughts dissipated as quickly as they came. And I just kept driving.

I ate what a normal person would have consumed in a day over the 3, I spent in the car.

Fasting before feasting I suppose.

My back is still spasming and I have to work tonight.

I shouldn’t say ‘have to’, I want to.

I am ready to get this part of my life started.

And I really need a desk, I am sitting on the floor, typing away. Laptop on a trunkful of smokes I brought.

I feel like I have hit a giant reset button on my life and it feels clean and good and fresh. So do I, extra-long shower last night and I dyed my hair.

Time to come out of my cocoon.

There are a few things I wish I had done before I left.

I forgot to change my address and so the socks I ordered are in limbo somewhere.

The shoes I ordered came in today, the day I was to start this. I got my google calendar notification as I was writing this.

It simply said ‘leave’.

But I already left.

I was too exhausted to go see Giant one last time. My forehead aches to be kissed still, but we closed the circle with bacon and eggs in the place we had our first date, and I remembered what he ordered. I am not gonna lie, he looked like heaven and sex walking. My god.

I truly did not know I possessed that much strength, to walk away like that.

But then, somehow, I ran.

I bailed a week early, I was too impatient to leave. And of course there was cosmic fuckery.

I keep getting that line from Kill Bill in my head “You didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you?”

The Bride’s answer echoes of my own “For a minute there I actually did.”

There has been an abundance of smooth sailing, lots of serendipitous pushes in this direction. My son landing his dream job and finding a great apartment in the city of his choice.

Panda and my inability to get along like we used to.

My general discontent with a house I built for a man who disappeared. I could never sleep quite right in that room.

But, in the way that sometimes storm swells come up outta nowhere and interrupt smooth sailing…

The Last One came back the night I left Ontario. Part of the reason it took me so long to find the hotel. I was pulled over on the side of the road trying to pick my jaw up out of my lap.

He said he was planning on coming over Monday, romantic gesture. And when I said I didn’t live there anymore he demanded I turn around and come back, offered to pay my way and let me live at his house.

Lead me not into temptation.

Or do. Its fine.

Everything is fine.

Nothing is gonna fuck up the eagles juju.

I forgot to mention, the two times doubt started creeping into my mind about what I was doing, overhead flew two bald eagles.

My 3^rd and 4^th sightings ever.

I know I am doing the right thing by being here, the birds and my gut say so.