Don’t Panic (full blue moon halfway through retrograde)

I started re-watching The Good Place on Netflix.

I won’t spoil any of it, if you haven’t seen it, you should.

13 easily digestible episodes about 24 minutes long. It’s adorable.

The opening scene is Kristen Bell opening her eyes in a waiting room and the first thing she sees is a sign that says

“Welcome! Everything is fine.”

I have been saying everything’s fine a lot lately.

Even when it isn’t.

I know exactly what I am doing. I am casting a spell of intent that it will be fine, trust and faith.

I know it will be, it always is.

Better than fine.

I’ve had tastes of how amazing it will be, at the top of the stairs, the whole world goes away when he kisses me and it is absolute bliss.

And there have been times where it most certainly was not.

Those are the times I say it with almost a madness in my voice that reaches my eyes and scares people a bit.

I forget I can be intimidating on occasion just by existing.  But add some intense emotions and ya, I’m intense. Trying to keep myself in check just now.

“Don’t listen to a word I say, the screams all sound the same.” Of Monsters and Men (and yes I miss our) Little Talks

I’m forcing myself to remember everything works out in the end. And I don’t really want this to end.

If I have to baby step and backslide into this new chapter, okay.

Deep down in my heart of hearts I know all of this is worth it.

The moon didn’t make me do this, I made a decision and followed through.

I drove 3 days away from home for a boy and a new life.

And I kinda was expecting to open my eyes to see a sign that said “Welcome! Everything is fine.”

Instead? I didn’t get the room I booked so I had to improvise, I got sucked into a crazy vortex by a crazy stripper, I missed my kid and my dog like limbs, I got Stompy Magoo stomping around upstairs, the money didn’t come right away and neither did the boy.

Where was I going with this?

Oh ya.

Cosmic fuckery.

As I type this it’s a full blue moon in Libra smack dab in the middle of retrograde.

I messaged the boy last night and he hasn’t replied. We’re having a hard time finding time to see each other and it is driving me nuts. That mantra I had shouting in my head upon meeting him has only gotten louder than bombs now that he is close again.

Boy

Bed

Now

Once upon a time, something similar happened. Not on this magnitude but similar enough that as I was making coffee this morning it struck me that I had the dress rehearsal for this 4 years ago. My last year in the cabin in the woods. I was pms’ing on a full moon smack dab in the middle of retrograde and I handled things badly. Tripped over all my lines, missed all my cues and it was over just like that. To be fair, he was my second fuckboy ever, I had no idea what I was getting into add to that I met him on the first day of retrograde and it just went way uphill real fast then dropped off into an oblivion of miscommunication and then none at all.

I already wrote all of that down in triplicate. I have had crushes on boys before, this one was a little different than the rest, but in retrospect he was just a boy. He had some magic to him, I never saw more deer than I did for the two weeks we dated, but then it was just over. I remember seeing a dead deer on the side of the road and thinking ‘that’s done then’. And I moved on.

Lesson to be learned from that and him?
Don’t start anything new in retrograde and lines of communication are gonna be a little fucky.

One thought came clearly as I sipped that first sip of deliciousness and I calmed all the way down.

Don’t panic.

I love it when shit I have been through serves a purpose. It is so satisfying, like perfect circles.

There will be another perfect circle. With this boy, on a bed, maybe not just now.

16 days left before Mercury stations direct.

I have waited this long, I can wait some more.

In the interest of self-preservation I think I won’t drink tonight.

Strip clubs and full moons are notoriously insane enough without me pouring booze on things.

I’m learning.