Dodging Bullets and other Silver Linings

I might stop to let you catch me but I think that you would find me on my knees.
It’s gonna be another long one tonight, it’s just me and my well intentioned spite, as if someone did this to me but no one did there’s no injustices…
Shawn Colvin

Oh I totally did this to myself. My happiness is my responsibility and so is my pain. There is no injustice here. Just me and my well intentions. No spite. I did this. I am also on my knees. I did a trust fall and this is how I landed.

She also wrote “you’re smiling, that’s enough”.

Been chasing that idea of enough for a really long time. I think I need to let that go.

Fuck. Everything is making me weepy. Hurry up shark week, I have plans and I’m tired of the salt stinging my eyes.

And it is gonna be another long one tonight. My entire time here has been spent trying to get enough sleep and failing. Trying to stay sober, sometimes succeeding and then failing and flailing and just hanging on till Tuesdays.

At least that has changed, my Tuesday routine I mean. In a good way.

The rest of the time I am a broken record, playing sweet for a minute then skipping sideways in a bad way.

I hurt less today, so that is a good thing.

Catherine Martell: (holding Precious at the bottom off the oubliette) I think she broke her leg on the way down, she’s in a lot of pain mister.

Buffalo Bill: You don’t know what pain is.

Ya BB, I do.

It is mourning the construct of a future that only ever existed in your head.

I mean there are a million other kinds of pain. Holding someone you love as they die in your arms. All the things I never said to my grandmothers before they passed away. Being separated from my child. Betrayal, lies, and staying stuck somewhere I didn’t belong.

That last one though.

Fits nicely with the first one. Not nice, but you know what I mean.

I stayed married because I had an idea in my head about how my life was supposed to be. It was a bad idea.

Life is pain highness and anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something. Princess Bride

I respectfully disagree. It doesn’t have to be this way.

We can call everything that didn’t work out the way we wanted a bullet dodged.
There are silver linings everywhere if you stop seeing red and just look.

On a long enough timeline almost everything makes some kind of sense.
Some loss isn’t a loss at all, just a lesson.

I am well educated on what I do not want. And what I do want is malleable, shifting and easily amused.

It doesn’t matter why I came here. That fictional reality that prompted me to put my life in storage and move here has shifted. And yes. I wore all black, cried and mourned the loss of that imaginary thing.

Then I let it go.

”I heard you moved on” he said.

I did, and it fucking sucked. I have yet to see this as a bullet dodged.

But, then a silver lining appeared and I adjusted.

He makes me squirt and texts me good morning.

I am smiling and it is enough.

In this moment I am happy
Incubus