Do No Harm

I posted a meme the other day.

JesusfuckingChristinasidecar. I am getting fucking redundant.
And swearing…a lot.
The first I will try to amend.

The second? Not fucking likely.

3 posts about the weather and now this.

How many times have I started like this? Blah blah blah, I posted a meme…

Ever notice how the word redundant sounds redundant?

Whatev’s, it gets better (sorta).

DO NO HARM, BUT TAKE NO SHIT.

Got the first part down. Ingrained, tattooed on my being. I put bees outside, wasps…no, they are dicks. I rescue people, animals, things…unloved? I will love you.

The second?

Good God I take a lot of shit.

“I am low maintenance mama, but I am not a fucking cactus.”

I said that to my girl the other day, it’s true. I need water, I want to be talked to, moved into the light.
I am too often a Rose of Jericho, one of those tumbleweed-y looking things, let it dry out and it will roll away, give it a little water and love and BAM unfurled green and glorious.
Ima stop that now. I can’t get by like this.

Ugh, I hate the word ‘can’t’, I hate the word ‘hate’ too.
I can, I have and I will get by, I always do, my blessings often wear disguises.
Whining and worrying does nothing but cause delays in the better thing that is coming.

For the record, I have a Rose of Jericho, it’s green because I water it, it lives in a crystal goblet.
It’s happy, just like the rest of my plant jungle.

(Conversation with Kidlet about a rather infamous part of town where drunken students go to drink, puke and just be destructive little assholes)

Kidlet: Isn’t that where you met Wolfling?

Me: Ew, no.

Kidlet: Where then?

Me: Ummm… Work

Kidlet: I love you Ma, but are you out of your mind? You met a 22 year old with mommy issues at a strip club and you expected what exactly?

Me: Crash and burn.

Kidlet: Yep. You okay?

Me: Yep

Here is the why…

Do no harm.

I saw some semblance of a psychic (easiest definition to define her) and she told me that no one could come into my life that couldn’t handle me at my biggest, most powerful self. This is universal law. I believe it, it tastes, sounds and feels like the truth. So why do I keep playing small? Well…it’s kinda habit at this point, one I would love to break.
I get left a lot. Told I am too much, too intense etc. if they bother telling me anything at all. It hurts and it sucks, but I have a feeling it’s going to hurt a lot worse if I end up stifled in some relationship where I can’t be myself. I have been down that road and …no, not happening again. I would rather be alone.

I’m protective. It’s in my nature. And when the universe hands me a 22 year old with mommy issues? Protective goes into hyper-drive.

He treated me badly, of course he did, and he is twenty fucking two, and I let him.

He wandered off often. Came back, also often, tail between his legs, making cute puppy faces, and I opened the door and let him back in. Wrote a whole thing about how great forgiveness feels, he read it and liked it. Of course he did.

Then he did it again.

3 straight days of snuggling, dinner, movies, long talks about all sorts of things. I almost fell asleep there. Felt kinda boyfriendly. Vulnerable and comfortable.

Freaked me out, but I rolled with it. Kept my part of the conversation non-committal. All Cougars know, ‘this too shall pass’, it’s the second rule of Cougardom, first being ‘leave them better than you found them’. I didn’t want that much responsibility considering. What if I hurt him?

And lo, on the fourth day God created fucking attitude. Apparently he too was getting squirmy about how comfortable we were getting and he wanted to go back out, in the way Wolflings do, where they just R-U-N-N-O-F-T. Wolflings are Wildlings by default. I’m guessing, I don’t know why they do what they do, I barely know why I do what I do.

Day 4, I tried to cut through his 20 usual minutes of inviting me over and then making me beg for it so he knew I really wanted to be there instead of just accepting that I did indeed want to be there by saying, ‘if you don’t want me to come over, lock the door and I won’t bother knocking’.

20 minutes into the visit, we are going back and forth about how long I’ll be staying and I say, ‘why did you let me come over?’

His response?

“I was too lazy to lock the door”.

I got up, got dressed and left.

¾ friends polled said I did the right thing. I know it was right, but not for the reasons they think.

I messaged him twice after to apologize, put him back in the power position and he left me.

Sooooo….Unless he reads this. He gets to feel like he did the leaving.

Fuck, even if he does read it…hey honey, I wouldn’t have left you, I had no idea how.

No harm done, to him at least.

Me? I miss him a bit, but not enough to open the door if he scratches at it again.

No more shit, please.