Dildo, Dicks and a Tiny Dino

par·a·digm shift

noun

1. a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions.

Needed that.

I woke from a strange dream wherein a blue alien who looked and spoke quite a lot like Benedict Cumberbatch was leading me around old places I had lived so I could revisit them (and I had to get the boy to the dentist weirdly in the midst of all this). While trying to teach me lessons and turning down my sexual advances, also weird, it was a dream and I watch a lot of 3D anime monster porn on Pornhub.
But at one point I did or said something and he looked at me and said “You’re the shift” with this look of great relief and satisfaction on his face at this grand epiphany. Then he morphed into the boy. I gave him a dance and he fucked me, I orgasmed for reals in my sleep and I woke up happy.

There was a part in the dream where there was a hard to see glass door that kept changing locations, and sometimes I would wait for someone else to open it, sometimes I would go around and sometimes I could just go through if I relaxed my eyes enough to see it. The boy was on the other side of it.

I also, immediately knew what it all meant.

I made a decision to be the sad, lost homesick (with no home to go to) girl sitting at the bar stagnating and drunk.
So I can decide not to be.

This is not a weight to carry, this is lightness, this is freedom.

If I belong nowhere, I belong everywhere too.

I don’t have to sit and wait for things to happen, I can make them happen.

I have been hiding out from the world, afraid of who I might run into, then Dani and I ran into the Nope holding hands with a vanilla pudding girl. Instead of being painful, I howled. This is what they do. They run and hide behind the plainest girl they can find. Enjoy your cardboard cut out honey and be well.

At one point this week, in real life, I met a man at the bar, he was from Singapore and was delighted that I spoke a smattering of Cantonese.
At one point he looked at me and called me “enchantress”.

I forget myself often. I am exactly that, ancient and magic, among other things.

Then some random person, place or thing reminds me and I am alright again.

Shouldn’t need to be so fucking hard
This is life on earth
It’s just life on earth
It doesn’t need to be the end of you, or me
This is life on earth
It’s just life on earth

The first light
The first light on the silent shore
Just the ships set anchor me and you
The way home
This is always the way home
So you can rip that map to shreds, my dear

But all we ever wanted
See miles and miles from here
In the first days in a strange new land
We could be sailors

This is not love you had before
This is something else…

Snow Patrol, Life on Earth

 

I sent this to the Giant a week or two ago, called it life changing… it is.

I needed a change. A shift.

IT SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HARD.

But I was making it that way.

Put your happiness in the hands of others and they will drop it every time, every fucking time, without fail.

Things didn’t go the way I wanted so I just stopped living.

Then 3 things happened.

1. The blue alien Bunnyface Cumberbuttons dream
2. My girls came from away
3. I got a little blue dinosaur in the mail

I have done more adventuring and living in the last 3 days than I have in my last 3 months here.

I saw whales, caves and “secret” beaches. Ate amazing food, hiked in the rain and was disappointed by seals.

Halfway through my time here and I am finally enjoying it.

I hit my fulcrum last week too. I have been here longer than I have left before I leave.

I don’t know where I am going to end up.

And that is really okay.

The way home
This is always the way home
So you can rip that map to shreds, my dear

I don’t have a map. Never did. Instead I have strange dreams, amazing friends, gut feelings and a renewed sense of adventure.

Tiny dino and I are going to have an adventure a week, and I am going to start living again.

So mote it be.