Author’s note, for my own disheveled sense of continuity.
I finished Freak Show this past weekend, didn’t love it for the record, I wanted to, but alas, I sucked.
I hate that I feel compelled to finish things even if I don’t like them.
I only do that with other people’s creative projects, like this thing here, sometimes my own things fall by the wayside.
Anyways, that makes this post a week old at least and I forgot to publish it so it’s going to wreck my timeline.
I complain in the following about not feeling any magic in my life and rationalize this by saying I must be doing something right.
Not exactly.
T’was just the calm before the intense cosmic storm.
And now, for my next trick, I will attempt to write a blog post while finishing the last episode of AHS Coven.
My favorite episode is over, the one where Kyle starts learning how to talk and tells Zoe ‘this road goes two ways’. His broken brain realizing this simple statement means ‘I love you’. Gets me in right smack in the feels every time. I even get excited when I know it’s coming. I do that with shows and movies a lot. The anticipation of the thing that makes me cry, makes me cry.
I’m weird man, I don’t know what to tell you.
It is perfectly normal to re-watch old shows for comfort, this is known. Arrested Development knocks me out in 10 minutes or less, its my sleeping show. No loud bangs, no yelling. Ron Howards voice isn’t as soothing as Morgan Freeman or David Attenborough, but it does the trick for me.
The watching something knowing I am going to cry is a little bizarre, but sometimes what is inside wants out.
I need to remember.
I stopped typing partway through this post and started paying attention to the show. Then I had steak and egg avocado toast for supper and put my laptop away for the night.
For the record, I don’t think I am in the wrong story. Maybe just stuck in one chapter and I want to know what happens next.
I had my cards read yesterday, as a very sweet and unexpected impromptu gift from my Colorado witch.
The first card was Death.
Insert shock, awe and a lot of sarcasm.
We’ve been down this road before. She almost didn’t read the cards because they started out so similar to a previous reading. My opinion was if they were saying the same things, maybe I wasn’t listening before and now the cards were insisting I pay attention. I have been feeling rather stuck. In the immortal words of the Teletubbies, “Again, again.”
Tell me teacher, what’s my lesson?
The only constant is change babe.
The Death card means change and I am definitely shifting, I knew that already.
Everything is. Not rapidly so much as in easily digested metered doses.
I cannot remember the day when I realized my universe was always going to be in flux, but knowing it helped me navigate. The bad times never last, neither do the good ones and every turn I take on this path that I am on leads me somewhere new. I get to decide if I want to stay or not. I rarely do.
The reading she did mirrored things I had been writing and thinking pretty much verbatim, and this show just did it again. In real time, as I sit here typing. Reiterating the cards and her words one more time, just to make sure I took notice.
“You’re scared. No powers, no magic, just a woman facing the inevitable. A divine being having a human experience. No one can help you. You have to do this alone. And the only way out is through. Feel the fear and the pain. Let it all in and then let it all go.”
This is exactly what is happening.
My spirit guides are on a well-deserved break because for once, I am okay on my own.
I miss my magic though.
On the list of ways I start my day and my never ending search for signs and portents, I started following a couple twin flame accounts on Instagram. I usually find these pages and memes irksome. Not the messages themselves, but the comments.
Until you have left the planet at a touch, felt the world melt away at a glance, dreamfasted and also accepted someone for everything they ever were or ever will be, you don’t get it.
I need to level up about this and stop judging others and their path. Just kinda feels like these false prophets are cheapening the thing I searched my whole life for and finally found. But, as I type this, nothing can taint this except me, my thoughts and my actions.
So that’s that then.
The twin flame update today was so accurate it was spooky. Everything I wrote about, all the things haunting me and our current situation within the situation.
Thing is, I wrote the things before the cards spoke and prior to scrolling through Instagram. I was already in it, so the portents weren’t pointing me anywhere or pointing anything out, just a nod of ‘yes, this is what is.’
I am wondering if I am feeling a lack of magic and divine intervention because I am where I am supposed to be and I am ahead of the game. Or at least showing up on time to play.
I trained for this. There is no anxiety here.
I mean I AM scared. But I know these devils.
My fear isn’t in based in the unknown. Not this time.
It helps that this is not a pass or fail situation, I just have to do or do not, there is no try.
Actually, that is a great explanation for life in general, thanks Yoda.
Same with retrograde. I knew my triggers I knew the rules and I followed them. 22 days of cleaning up old messes and finishing the unfinished. I even preemptively blocked the leaders of the fuckboy army. Not on a whim, nor with malice. I had a moment of clarity. I just knew what was coming and decided not to participate.
Even at the beginning of lockdown. I was where I was, and I was safe. I had to make a few huge decisions in the months prior to get there, it wasn’t where I was ‘supposed’ to be, I didn’t plan any of it. I felt compelled to make a rapid succession of huge lie changes. Turns out it was absolutely for the best and I am grateful.
I think the last decade of my life has had me vibrating in such discord that when everything finally lines up and calms down, I feel empty. Disconnected. No voices telling me where to go because I am where I am supposed to be. It is the absence of chaos.
It is quite lovely to be honest. This quiet calm.
The complete acceptance of what is with no worry for the future.
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.
