Sometimes I think I am a broken record.
Like I have said all of this already, whatever this may be.
I know there are overlaps and echoes on here.
There are only so many words in my mother tongue and they render me redundant on occasion.
Everything has changed.
Rapidly again.
Don’t speak too soon for the wheels still in spin.
Some of it, I won’t speak of at all.
I left for Florida a calendar month ago today, with one set of beliefs about my future. One set itinerary with a bit of an unknown.
I can’t shake the feeling that it was my last trip there.
And now I find myself perched at Mandy’s kitchen island, flight that should have been 3 days ago is still 3 days away, her cat sleeping on my half-emptied suitcase. I took a bunch of my stuff out to leave here and Lisa the cat thinks my clothes are comfortable as fuck, because they are. I have a new key for this place and one other. House sitting gig set up for the bulk of February, so that is taken care of.
I don’t have to fly out of YYT, I am getting a ride back in the new year, with my great grandfather’s desk and a few boxes of my most precious things, crossing the Atlantic in the dead of night one more time. I can still remember the ice screaming my first time out there. Didn’t realize it was a warning.
Gypsy mode (re)activated.
I am going full rogue.
Airbnb for the next leg of my journey confirmed 10 minutes ago. My laptop battery, phone battery and vape all vying for a turn in the one viable, accessible outlet.
12 days ago
I was walking around the Magic Kingdom after being pleasantly surprised by my
traveling companion with a members only late night park trip. It was a really
good night.
2 nights ago I was stripping. I cannot explain how much I hated it.
Neither of those things were planned.
Juxtapositions.
The blog is 5 years and one day old.
I am sure I could search all the Decembers between today and then and find similarities to the upheaval that is now occurring.
I got new glasses day before yesterday, my eyes got better somehow. The optometrist found a dot in my right eye. It explains the shadow I see. She tried to blame it on the surgery I had a million years ago to correct my lazy eye. I know it’s from when I should have died in a car crash, but I didn’t. I worked for an iridologist for a minute. She mapped my painful moments by looking at my irises, she wasn’t wrong.
I also have a weird thing with buying new glasses and losing my job shortly thereafter.
Mark quit.
And with him not at Siren’s anymore, the final thread to that place was severed. I had mentioned to Wolf that I was worried about him. He reminded me I cannot save the world. I mean I can, I just decided not to. It’s our time now.
I found a beautiful rendition of The Time’s They are A’ Changing. This one is by Fort Nowhere. It’s pretty glorious.
The line it is drawn, the curse it is cast.
Winter Solstice was last night. Time to set intentions for the new cycle. So, I did.
Like I said, Airbnb got booked, found reasonable flights.
Stayed home last night due to crippling cramps and a rather vicious hangover. Plus, I just wanted to. It was a sacred night for my kind and I spent it in a cuddle puddle on the couch watching old Disney movies with one of my best girls.
I love me a
good solstice. Summertime comes with sadness; the days start to get shorter
after the apex.
I am a sunshine girl through and through.
Why did I move to St. John’s again? There isn’t even enough sunfall for house plants. Mine have probably passed away. I left my room cold, dark and locked down. I thought I would be back by now, but the universe is conspiring to keep me away. Thanks universe. Sorry plants.
I always held a fondness for December 21st. Every day after gets better, brighter, longer.
After February 17th 2020 at least one planet will always be in retrograde for the duration of the year. It’s okay. Its just a duck and cover year.
The battle outside raging, it will soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
Mercury begins the backwards parade of planets, remind me to book my next trip before then.
Nothing I didn’t already know.
My tarotscope today said “when two people in their hearts are one, they shatter the strength of stone”. His said “you are your own fate and you control your own destiny.”
Add that to the list of things we both needed to hear.
“Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, gonna kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.”
Lovers in a Dangerous Time, Bruce Cockburn
I met him in a laundromat once, all my stripper clothes had just been stolen and I was having a meltdown of epic proportions, his dryer had just broken and he was doing his wife a favor and dealing with wet laundry.
I stopped stomping for a second, as I recognized him, and said “You’re Bruce Cockburn, aren’t you?” he said yes. I said, “great lyrics man.” He thanked me and I continued my tantrum. Random memory.
I remember the me from back then. I was 24 and terrified of everything.
I never would have gotten on a plane and flown to a new city. I was scared to push on a pull door in front of strangers. There would have been too many variables, too many things that could have gone wrong, too many things I didn’t know how to do. Including how to live a life just for me.
6 years ago, was the insane ice storm in Ontario. I held the house together without power for days on end. Then went to Florida with kidlet for the first time. Came home and lost 260 pounds of dead-weight and by April I was on a flight to Phoenix to see my girl. Ended up on a side quest to L.A. and found so many parts of myself there. Been a lot of places since, all of them out of my comfort zone, but none as important as this next journey into the unknown.
One of my girls mentioned she was born in the city I am going to, I replied, I just might be born there too.
I will be.
