I had one of the more fucked up conversations of my life today.
If my sister heard me say that she’d undoubtedly quip…”Well that must be pretty fucking weird coming from you Sarah.” I don’t think she reads this, probably best all things considered.
It was sister. It truly was.
It wasn’t the words so much as the source. All things in good time and in context.
I read a thing a while ago that I shall now paraphrase out of sheer exhaustion and laziness. I have been writing for 13 hours, I can’t seem to turn my brain off nor stop. I haven’t eaten save a few handfuls of M&M’s. I am running on caffeine alone. 4000 words of good copy.
Maybe it’s time for the fighter to be fought for, for the lover to be loved something something blah blah blah.
I read it a while ago and for a brief moment I allowed myself the luxury of hope.
Hope is a four letter word. I try not to indulge.
I posted today, something called Still Is. I tried to hide it over on my page.
Didn’t really work so good. And hour later…the ding in my inbox.
“It’s about him isn’t it.” Statement, not really a question.
I paused before answering, sometimes the truth needs a deep breath and a whiskey chaser.
“Yes.” Another statement, no question. Everything seems to be about him even when I don’t want it to be.
“So fucking call him already and stop torturing yourself. Or give me the number and I’ll do it.”
Ever get that feeling that hovers between awe and dread. Ya, I had that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures and all, but no. Bad idea.
The awe turned quickly to AWWWW.
Seriously? You would do that for me?
It’s not that far of a stretch for me. I do this shit all the time.
And it’s funny, I can easily set my ego and wants aside to help those I have coveted and fucked, no problem…never expected to have that happen to me. I always get the polar opposite. If they don’t have me, they hate me. For a while anyways.
And here is this man that by all rights I hurt rather badly and rather recently telling me “If he has any fucking ounce of a clue how valuable you are….he will swallow his pride and finally come get you…..if he’s half the man he claims he will hold on to you like it’s life or death….because it will be.”
It is such a strange sensation to be treated the way I treat others.
Case and point.
Young Un messaged me last week out of the pale blue.
We talk once a month sometimes more, rarely less, hence the paleness of the blue.
Been doing this for a while. Tripping in feelings and using the other as an opposite sex touch stone of sorts. Ego strokes and advice from someone who thinks differently enough to break the loops/bad mantras we both get stuck in.
Said he needed advice.
I love that he trusts me. I love him.
It’s been 2 years and 2 days since we met.
We had a rough go for a bit in the middle there.
But in my candy coated way of glossing things over, he was, and remains sweet as fuck.
Because he always was.
I credit him with my first steps of becoming. He was the first boy who was my choice. The first one in a long time that was of my tribe. In the brief time we had together he treated me like gold.
He made the transition from mundane to magic a lovely one and raised the bar.
He laid out his dilemma.
Said “the overthinking part of my Scorpio brain is having a meltdown”.
Oh baby, I know those.
His sounded like “what if what if what if”…
He is smitten you see, been talking to this girl since Christmas, but she had a boyfriend.
Now she doesn’t.
So the ‘what if’ was clearly labeled “what if I don’t say anything and I lose her?”
Followed closely by “what if I say something and I lose her?”
Conundrum.
I am Queen of the land known as SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT. It’s actually pretty hard to shut me up unless you put something fun in my mouth.
Young Un is fully aware of this. I practiced on him one time in late July and again in March.
I also have some shining examples of phrases that make girls swoon…
So I Cyrano’ed.
I said…
Here’s what you do.
Go look in the mirror.
Use my eyes so you can see what I see.
Realize how incredibly handsome and wonderful you are.
Then tell her what you just told me.
That you value her friendship but you are smitten as fuck and you don’t want to lose her.
Tell her she is worth waiting for if that is what she needs.
You used the term ‘head over heels’, tell her that, because honestly it is sweet as fuck coming out of your mouth.
And one more thing…tell her talking to her is the best part of your day…if that is the truth.
He told me it was the truth and he did SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT.
10 minutes later…
She said the same thing back to him. I could feel him glowing through my phone. And I glowed along with him.
That is what love is.
I’m not IN love with him, I don’t need him with me, his mess is mine and so is his joy.
He told me he is glad we stayed friends, I am too.
I forgive and have been forgiven.
And listen here all ye who are actually listening…if she/he is important, don’t let them go.
“And he had better grab onto you and hold you like you’re the fucking Holy Grail.”
I am beginning to believe I just might be.
It’s time to say what needs to be said, in my own words.
