Cue the Haunting

Welcome to my weird, I had a sisterwife. 

Yes, for 7 years the farm I lived on with my husband resembled Thunderdome, if it had a revolving door, a garden and goats. “Two women enter, and take turns leaving”.

I know why my marriage ended.

No, not sisterwife, not exactly.

My ex-husband used to crack my toes while we were watching TV.

No, that is not why we broke up either. 

I found a diary entry yesterday wherein I vehemently believed this toe cracking to be a pure unadulterated act of sadism. “He liked hurting me and watching me squirm.” I laughed at myself. We’ve come a long way baby.

Cut to May the 4th this year. I had been single for 106 days. Ex-hubby and I had been split for 2 years and 2 months. I had an online flirty thing going with a guy from LA, he got vicious. I was in a mall parking lot, kinda reeling. And guess who messages out of the damn blue. Yep, the ex. Wanting to know if I was ‘ok’. I wasn’t, I said so. We talked. He was kind and I responded with kindness.

The end.

Not really, it prompted some soul searching. And this is what I found tucked in a deep dark corner.

I had to stop blaming him and her for 5 minutes so I could see the truth. Our marriage was actively haunted by ghosts of relationships past. There were 4 of us in a relationship built for 2.

Mine was Casper the friendly ghost, only appearing in times of distress, where his was more of a ‘Dementor’ complete with sucking the happiness out of all things. Soulless turbo slut who actually caused the distress that made mine manifest, back to the revolving door. Never liked those things.

I retyped and deleted that last sentence 20 times if once. Forgiveness does not have to mean approval nor friendship. Part of me is still human and baby stepping through this.

The first time I kissed my husband he was on a date with the woman who would become his mistress, then our sisterwife and now his regular wife. I am having a hard time figuring out who the interloper really was. 3 months into the relationship with the man who would become my husband intercepted an email between my ghost and I. It was an open ended goodbye. Emphasis on the open.

Cue the haunting.

I have walked into every relationship with one foot out the door pointed at my high school sweetheart. 26 years this year. Hubby knew it, and I lost him that day. We spent the next 6.5 years breaking up. This is a public apology. I am sorry Anthony John.

My marriage was built on abandonment issues stronger than the foundation we had. We both had back-ups. 

I have now been single for a calendar year, during which I had the grand realization that I was not in possession of my whole heart. A month ago, I spoke to high school sweetheart and we ended things. A 3 week exorcism if you will, complete with puking, crying, screaming and a grand sense of relief when it was over. 5 years after he got married, but that is a story for another day.

I have forgiven all of us. I loved those men, I don’t have an on/off switch, but I have accepted that friends is all we will ever be. I don’t need them with me. I’m alright.

Her? I never loved her, I tried and couldn’t. But very recently I had a choice to protect or destroy her. 

I chose to protect her.

I know, I surprised myself.

Mind, I just called her a dementor/turbo slut in public.

Baby steps.