https://www.ourladyoflustandgrace.com/who-puts-vodka-in-a-wine-spritzer.html
I sat on that article for the better part of a year.
Had my little flashback a few days ago and pulled it from the earth, gave it life, breath and post script.
I didn’t publish it at the time because, well, Giant cheated, and I kinda did too.
I was super fresh into things with someone.
So um ya, he read it.
Hello karma my old friend.
I was just about to type the words ‘in my defense’ but nah. I’ll own it.
Panda did spike her wine spritzer with 3 ounces of vodka but, Giant never should have stepped one foot in this house.
He was dating someone and that someone wasn’t me and had been for months by then.
I was dating someone, no matter how fresh out of the gate it was.
Fuck I just realized I am that racehorse that gets all revved up and ready to go and then backs up into the barn at the sound of the starter’s pistol. Dammit.
I’m telling all y’all it’s a sabotage. Beastie Boys
Except I am my own saboteur. I thought I was over that.
Survey says, not this time mama. Well, not that time. I managed to get it together after the fact.
I do that. Find something good and fuck it up.
I mean in the grand scheme of things I think I had been out with this guy once or twice, hadn’t slept with him yet but still. Bad manners at best. Giant too. It’s not like 130 pound me could really have held him down and had my way, the nickname Giant was anything but ironic. I said I felt drunk and wanted to stop drinking but he encouraged me to keep going. Also in the grand scheme of things I have lived with Panda for a good long while now, I know what she is capable of. I also know what I am capable of.
See there I go.
Justifying shit.
It’s still shit, it was stupid.
I didn’t publish it back then because I knew it was wrong and I didn’t want the guy I was dating to know.
Oh karma, you funny fucker.
He read it, yesterday.
No word for months. Thought I was blocked on everything, I wasn’t. Believed it to be so much truth I never tried to contact him. I don’t know where dead messages go and I had no desire to find out.
I honest to god with all of my being really believed he would be the ONE guy out of all the guys that went away and stayed there. Ain’t nobody got time for that. He doesn’t anyways. He is strong, super independent, busy and we really didn’t spend enough time together for me to be irreplaceable or anything even close to it. I mean I know he could pick me out of a line up but other than the fact that I like tacos, he doesn’t know much about me, nor I him.
I thought he was actually over it. I mean he said he was. As far as I know he never said one damned thing he didn’t mean. He isn’t a liar by any stretch of the imagination.
Speaking of lies.
Fuck am I ever glad he read it. It wasn’t really important. But I had the same relief as one gets when pulling out the tiniest of splinters, didn’t know it was bothering me until it was out.
It all seems so appropriate right now. We’re moving which in itself denotes change, lends itself quite nicely with catharsis, cleansing and purging of the old.
Everything that goes around comes around and the truth always comes out, exactly when it’s time and not a minute sooner.
