Blue Monday

 

As per usual I am either early to or late to the party.

Never did get my timing right. But I suppose if it is indeed MY timing, it has to be right.

37 days until I leave and I haven’t packed a thing.

Been home 2 days and I have barely moved. I walked the dog, I got the milk, I tidied the house, but that second load of laundry is still damp in the dryer and I have yet to shower.

I got my period the day we were to fly out. Went from a hint of pink in the morning to Carrie at the prom in about 6 hours, just as we were finishing dinner and getting on the buses to the airport.

Pain level was about an 8 by the time I got settled in on the plane. Settled is a nice lie for being crammed in like sardines with one of my ribs folding under and pain shooting through my back, knees, everywhere.

That was my Blue Monday. Friday night until…now kinda.

I decided yesterday was going to be my last non-productive day. Woke up at 6:30 this morning and went back to bed for 2 hours. S’okay. 8:30 is still good. Baby steps. And considering all I want to do is sleep till Friday when it is supposed to get warmer here for a couple of days, 2 hours is a tiny compromise.

I was scrolling back through that wonderful/awful Facebook feature ‘on this day’, I realized something. I spend a lot of time waiting. Especially in the winter. Waiting for it to get warmer, waiting for spring, just waiting.

Still kinda doing it now, 12 days until I see my vacation peeps. 37 days till I hit the road.

What a massive waste of time.

Life is happening right now whether I choose to participate or not.

I saw a Tumblr post about how Tumblr posts about self-care are kinda bullshit. And I have to kinda agree. The cult of “Unable to Even” advocates it being okay if you don’t shower, eat bad food or none at all and stay curled up in a blanket fort coloring and or binge watching fluffy tv shows on Netflix.

And it IS okay. To a degree and for a time.

I am not here to tell you how to deal.

But, for me, it feels better to actually DO something. Even if it is just to make a gentle list of what needs to be done. I have a running list next to my laptop. The one thing I did yesterday was important but I can’t even cross it off because I forgot to write it down.

I wish I had saved this video I saw. It’s about changing your life with the miniscule decisions you make throughout the day. Starting with waking up in the morning and not hitting snooze. That is where I am at right now. I can feel it, I am hitting snooze on my whole life. Time to wake up, drink coffee and kick my own ass into gear.

I had this divine energy and motivation before I left for Cozumel. Just need to find it again.

I haven’t heard from the boy since before I left and I know this isn’t helping my mental state at all. This isn’t the longest we’ve gone without talking, and I do have to remind myself I am not moving for him. I am moving for me. There is money to be made and a life to live out there, and it is where I want to be.

It’s funny because I can see my life here, I am in it. And I can see my life there. The room I will have, all my things put away. I can see going to work and writing in my new space. It’s the in between. The chasm between here and there that seems impossible.

All things are possible.

Time marches on whether we want it to or not.

It is time to start moving forward.

After one more coffee though.