I think everyone has a hard time admitting they are wrong about certain things.
For me, it’s people.
If I see something in someone it is because I SEE it. And usually it is the color of roses and good. I see potential.
Something in me recognizes the best version of them, and for a long time, that was all I saw.
I got hurt in the process. Lost time and money. Felt betrayed. Happened three times in the last few years. I could joke and say I was drunk, but the actual truth is, I took a huge leap of faith and grabbed onto everything and everyone I could to break my fall, instead of just falling. I regressed to a former version of myself in a lot of ways. I am out now, and I am alright.
Level up.
6 years ago I accidentally decided to put the work in and deal with myself. It didn’t start out that way, but when I realized what was happening, I stuck with it.
Before that I have no trouble admitting I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. How could I? I had been half of myself for my whole life almost.
In high school I toned myself down to fit in. College years, when I should have been fucking up and finding myself, I had a baby on the boob that I had to keep alive. And I was so scared of no one wanting me with a kid, because single mom was the worst thing I could be until I upped the ante and I was a single mom stripper, I settled into a dissatisfying string of relationships that lasted until my kid graduated high school.
I did not weigh my partners against anything at all. If they wanted me and I wanted them. That was enough. I had no idea who I was, so it was easier to blend into them than to be alone and figure all that out. They weren’t all bad exactly. Some were fucking horrible. I look back at a couple fondly. No hard feelings. But I know I did not love them because I had no idea what that meant at all.
I was not overly choosy about friendships either.
I really just wasn’t feeding nor feeling my soul in the slightest.
I never listened to my gut.
Everything is different now. I literally function on instinct. I rarely question my intuition.
Got me this far.
I have also met people wherein any interaction with them is the equivalent of biting down on tinfoil. I avoid them like the plague. Somewhere in my heart of hearts I know they have some really vile secret just under their skin and I don’t care to find out what it is.
Some people I am pulled to like gravity. No explanation, just am.
I keep meaning to go back and delete the old posts about the fake soldier boy.
He was next level insane, but alas. We dated for less than 30 days and I was in Florida for 22 of them. It is easy to fool me over text. Just ask the catfish Poet.
Every time I go back through ye olde blog to do so. I stop.
And I will tell you why.
I am okay being wrong.
I reread an
old post today entitled Penance and Peace.
https://www.ourladyoflustandgrace.com/penance-and-peace.html
I just had to think back long and hard about who I was talking about. Newfoundland seems to have caused a shift in my reality wherein I can’t remember if I was there for 22 months or 84 years. It was Cruz. Not my greatest relationship. Far from the worst. Killed some time, we had fun, until we didn’t, and I walked.
Doesn’t matter. None of it matters because it is the past and I am not her anymore.
I am okay being wrong.
I am okay with everything I ever was. Stupid, smart, sober, fucked up, slutty, pious. Doesn’t matter. I learned from all of it and built the version of me who is writing this to you now. I like her.
I read the end of the aforementioned article this morning and felt peaceful.
I know what it is like to dwell in the crazy underground shit filled garage of rock bottom. And it is a long climb out. I know what it is like to be clean for a while and fall right back into that pit of despair.
Rock bottom is the most solid foundation to build yourself from.
“I used to be…” is an empowering statement. It comes when you can accept your flaws and leave them behind you.
But enough about that. Sorta.
Let’s talk about the plague.
At the beginning of this, I made some statement about people behaving like lemmings wherein one saw a shadow and didn’t check to see if it was a cloud or a hawk and they all ran off a cliff.
Little did I know, Disney made that up with some rather clever camera work considering it was 1950ish and since then we have all decided this was the truth. Then, 50ish years later, along comes the internet, 70ish years later I post a status about it and my mind is officially blown.
https://www.adfg.alaska.gov/index.cfm?adfg=wildlifenews.view_article&articles_id=56
If this is not the most perfect example of what the fuck is going on right now, I don’t know what is.
I can admit that I was wrong about so many things. Lemmings, exes. Trusting this one or that one. Not doing right by my child and the consequences that still exist. That one time I was really high going home in a cab and mistook the Sheraton Hotel sign for a low red moon and never knew the truth until taking another cab 12 years later, sober this time and when I saw it, I howled at myself.
Are we, as a group, going to be able to step back and realize we were wrong about this virus?
I see people staunchly defending their fear like pro-lifers picketing outside a clinic.
I am off social media for a few days.
There is an annoying trend happening wherein my supposed friends are goading me into arguments.
The truth is, 15% of the population has had this already with zero complications. Quite possibly more. Which puts the fatality rate down around .0019%. There is an undeniable offset of traffic fatalities and other causes of death that have dropped dramatically due to the entire world being indoors. And the 2018 flu season claimed a greater number of lives 80 000 respectfully, the numbers might match by the time this is over, but the global fatality rate is already starting to drop, just like the other countries that had it before us.
But if I say it’s not that bad, I am a monster.
Am I really? Or can I just do math and think logically instead of emotionally.
Zero part of me has any desire to gloat or say, I told you so. I realize all of these are human beings with families and loved ones. The ripple effect ramifications of our planetary reactions to this are terrifying at best.
Of course I want to be right, means life can resume without fear. But some of you have developed Stockholm syndrome with this virus. I have been in abusive relationships. I remember lying to myself and others trying to justify staying, and all it did was prolong my hurt.
I will be okay admitting if I am wrong. But we all need to be able to do that, and we need to do it soon.
There is about to be a reckoning and we get to decide how this goes. Let’s make it smooth, please.
