Begin, Again

Talking to my girl about noods and foods. We both love good food. I sent her a video about noodle masters, it was mesmerizing.

I asked about pho and banh mi this was her response…

“There’s a very crummy express version of banh mi at rocket but I doubt that it would fulfill your craving in anyway lol this is the land of disappointment my dear!”

I answered

“Oh it really is

You have no idea how much truth there is in that statement.”

I am finally willing to admit, out loud that I might not belong here.

There is a chorus of women out here right now saying ‘thank Christ, I hate that bitch’ and a group of men saying ‘no stay’. But not the right one.

It’s 4 degrees here today, the day before my birthday. My girls back home are sunbathing and going to the quarry, I am here trying to figure out how to be a cute stripper with layers, coordinating bra and pantie sets with cardigans and thick socks.

Tomorrow, for my birthday I am going to see Solo, I will be wearing my lightsaber socks, flurries be damned.

I am working on my birthday and taking my usual Tuesday off, going back to Bell Island with my Sunny girl.

The wind is blowing hard enough to shake the house. Please let this be the winds of change, or drop a house on a bitch for me would ya? Please?

This isn’t Kansas and there is no place like home but I have no idea where home is. I thought it was here. But here I am the wicked witch from the west or the good witch depending on who you ask.

I told my son I wasn’t overly happy here, he said “You like warm places, maybe go somewhere warm mama.”

I do so love warmth and there is a definite lack of it here.

Maybe I picked the wrong coast.

I have no idea where I am supposed to be.

And that meme/tweet is true. Time has been measured out in bitter chapters since I last saw your face (Cold Mountain)

I haven’t cried this much since I left the farm. Nor have I been so bent on escaping this reality I put myself in by pouring vast amounts of whiskey on every fucking thing every fucking night.

I got sent home for nodding off on a bar stool Friday night. I thought I cried on Smiley and I was devastated. I did not for the record, but regardless, the absolute fact that it was a real possibility was there.

Because I drink and I cry, a lot more since I have been here like I said.

And because I care about him. He has been nothing but solid, keeping me tethered and offering insanely good advice as I stumble around this fucky little island. Whatever girl he ends up with will be a lucky woman indeed.

I have made some good friends here and I have made some serious mistakes. They were all in the bar last night.

It is not going how I hoped or planned and now that I am over the hump of being here longer than I have left to stay, I am questioning everything.

I am also nursing blown out calves and in the death grip of a cold that won’t let go.

I swear I feel like I get past one thing just to trip and fall into another. Physical and emotional.

First I fell and bruised my tailbone, then I fell again.  Followed by a crippling period that was worse than usual. Now I am down with the sickness, 12 days of coughing so hard I have abs now.

That piece of shit creep that sent out sleeping nudes of me to his buddies parked his creepy ass at the bar last night and refused to leave. Thank god for Drunk Josh and Smiley. There is a rotating circle of girls that hate my guts, Stompy is back in the house…like fuck, when do I get to catch my breath already?

We had a bouncer/DJ who lived upstairs in the cathouse whose job it was to take out the garbage, change lightbulbs, deal with keys and comings and goings. He left, badly. They moved me up to his room and I hate it. I needed the change and my room is super cute but I’d give it up to have him back here.

The act of moving out of my old room and into this one is how I fucked up my calves.
I didn’t plan it out right, and my heart was heavy. Took me the entire day and half the next to get settled. Add the that going up and down the stairs 500 times flat footed when my feet are used to being in stilettos and my muscles were screaming the next morning. It is down to a dull roar now.

The only good things to come out of the move so far are finding a lost stocking and gifts from Nausicca, a closet purge and a soft reset. Plus two rogue earrings. It really means more stairs and having to change lightbulbs. I don’t want the keys to this kingdom.

And this upward move of mine is just getting me more hated by the haters. “Why does she get to _____” fill in the blank with whatever sin I committed this time. Like coming in later than usual so I could go to a birthday party.

It makes me sad really. These people who allow my existence to affect their own. Handle your own shit sis. Woman up and talk to me if I am bothering you.

If you could get a peek inside my head and see how scared and lost and lonely I am maybe you would think twice about hating my guts.

Everything is telling me to run. But to where? And I can barely walk, my calves hurt. Among other things.

But hopefully this is true too…one day it’ll make sense…