Becoming Aware of Your Own Bullshit (and doing it all again anyways)

I have become very aware of my own bullshit.

Even as I am doing the things I ought not to be doing, the voice saying “Really Sarah, all the information you’ve been given, and this is what you choose to do with it?” is becoming louder and louder by the day.

I am still capable of ignoring it.

And ignore it I shall.

I am stubborn like that.

Even now, typing these words, knowing what I am going to say. I know in my heart of hearts it’s all bullshit and I am writing it anyways.
My motherland (the USA) is on fire and in turmoil. And here I am writing some dipshit blog post about tinder and dating and feelings and shit.

I feel trite and ineffectual.

Maybe that’s my super power.

Gloss over everything with quarts of high gloss primer. Make everything shiny when it’s rotting underneath.

I am not rotting, I get reborn to often for that. I am a snake girl chasing my own tail.

Shedding skin over and over but doing the same old things with my new self.

Like I said, HYPER-aware of my own bullshit.

But honestly? I cannot deal right now. I want some distraction and maybe some of you do too. There are no words that will stop a neo nazi from hating someone based on the melanin levels in their skin. And if there are? I don’t know what they are.

There is no logic in this place.

So now for the thing that has nothing to do with anything at all…

After the chaos of last week I went back on tinder. I needed attention and distraction.

I am a realist about it now.

It’s a sea of catfish and fuckboys. Good thing I like fuckboys. And I am getting better at spotting the catfish. Not perfect, but better.

The goal is to find the least offensive fuckboy and enjoy until I have to throw that one back too.

That isn’t really the goal but it’s where I am at.

There is no turning a man whore into a house husband, and I don’t know if I even want to get married.

I want to be happy and feel good. Get laid by the same guy on the regular while having good dates and good conversation. That’s it that’s all. No fighting, no drama, no lies or secret lives. Just show up, feed me tacos, fuck me good and make me giggle once a day or so with a good meme.

I am not saying that’s all there is. I am sure there is more to life. But I like my little life as is.

At the behest of my besties I tried a date with someone my age. He was sweet and kind and a gentleman and there were zero sparks.
I’m pretty sure he felt that way too as we haven’t communicated past both of us getting home safe in a thunderstorm and a couple likes on Instagram.

I wondered actually, pre date, if I was doing some sort of weird 360 back into my past wherein I only dated guys my age or older. Considering I hadn’t felt alive at all until I ended that cycle of my life, maybe going back there isn’t the best course of action.

I know I need to be learning. I know something has to give and that something is me. I know I am the common denominator.

But here I sit. Talking to yet another young un and smiling a lot in spite of myself.

4/7 haven’t ended so bad.

Statistically just over half went well.

This is what we call optimism, blind faith, hope or sheer stupidity. We shall see. Jury is still out on this one.

I have learned from all of them. Lessons on motherfucking lessons.

I pulled 4 guys off tinder. Sent pics and bios to the girls. The 2 that made it through the screening process were the adult and… my choice, “the one who looks like sex walking”.

Sex Walking continues to pleasantly surprise me with the quality of conversation. Still haven’t met yet. Might hate him, might not.

Insanity is indeed doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But I kinda like the results of my choices and my behavior, until I don’t, then I leave. And I’m not doing the EXACT same thing over and over, I keep learning every day. I modify, grow, and change bits here and there.

I’m fine tuning my behavior instead of swinging to either side of the pendulum. Wiggling around in the middle ground and I kinda like it here.

Maybe that is what the world needs more of too. Less radicalism or its opposite, non-involvement.

Something in between. Self-awareness, tolerance and a willingness to try in spite of all that came before.