At no point was I lying. I was fucking trying, even when it started to slide I tried to not end up in the ditch. Last time I tried that we ended up upside down in a swamp, this is not a metaphor, this happened. I hit the gas instead of the brake when I shouldn’t have hit either and just coasted. But I barely knew how to drive back then.
What happened is this. The one I wanted beyond measure and reason told me in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want me. I saved the texts. Listened to a lot of Fleetwood Mac, believed him and set about healing and filling the space he left.
I was without heavy equipment, holding one of those kiddie beach shovels and staring into this massive abyss. Every now and again believing I caught a glimpse of the monster, but I wasn’t sure. Jason showed up with a backhoe.
He showed me off and celebrated me. I did the same. We both knew what it was like to be kept a secret and to be kept guessing.
He was safe, sane and my kinda weird.
Listened to everything I had to say without prejudice.
Starting writing things about me and actually posting them. I did the same, I wanted to, he was worth it, he deserved it and it was fucking fun. This freefall into softness.
I thought if I stopped hurting I would run out of words. I didn’t, I found new ones.
Everything was on display for the world to see, like Christmas window dressing, elaborate and shiny and making everyone smile.
We went mildly viral.
We went to bed in Toledo Friday night and he looked at me and said, “Thousands of people know we just had sex.”
To be clear, he is my kind of weird. This was not.
I freaked out a bit.
I liken myself to lots of things. Commonly a pendulum/wrecking ball and damn did we swing far and wide from what I was used to. But I wanted to see, so did he, the edge is where the best view is.
And then I ran.
I spent today/yesterday and most of last night trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong, why did I run?
I think I know. Jason really knows. He saw the whole thing coming and decided to try anyways, says I am worth it. He is an amazing man, truly.
He has forgiven me my trespasses and we are back where we started, friends. Amen.
He took a day and night, got drunk and posted many a thing. Nothing to sharp, I didn’t feel persecuted, like at all…
I wasn’t getting the shunning I felt I deserved. So I whipped myself…
It wasn’t necessary. Everyone saw what happened, plain as fucking day. Everyone but me…
Jason said I had to forgive myself first, but his forgiveness and these words from a stranger made that a lot easier. Maybe in the time called now, taking the hard road can be a lot easier if you don’t circle the same 7 miles out of sheer stubbornness. I got myself so close on memory and wits alone. Now it’s time for a little faith.
This showed up in my page inbox and I wept tears of relief.
Okay so I’ve never done this however watching it all unfold for days now and reading all the comments, blogs, and memes I feel inclined to write this…there is a community of writers and page owners and I found these two there…Sarah and Jason…they chose to share a portion of their journey with their public, (on Our Lady of Lust and Grace as well as her blog and personal fb/ Jason King the writers page) not for drama or attention but for decided choice reasons and as a statement within their relationship…now to a degree we feel invested and of course that we have a right to weigh in, even me because. ..Well…here I am. The thing is…it’s not a choose sides, judging, or pissing contest…this is two people navigating a part of their journey…and sometimes that gets ugly…sometimes toes are stepped on…and sometimes it hurts…however all that being said it is still wrapped in beauty and worth the dance. I think Jason knew who Sarah was and where she was at in her life but made the choice to move forward…because he needed too…and I think Sarah essentially did the same…for different reasons but ending in the same place…both were well intentioned, breathing in hope but living in truth…and ultimately as much as the journey was about ‘them’ it seems it was really about themselves on their way to self-discovery and evolution. They played their roles and are fulfilling their purpose. He knew as much as she knew. She is no worse or responsible then he is. They both knew…and pushed forward anyway on a wing and a prayer…isn’t that the point?…isn’t that what we all do?…you can’t fault people for being who they are and living the best they can and are able…we journey where we need to grow and it is my opinion and hope that Sarah learns how to become her own poet, yes that has double meaning, and truly love and honor herself and that Jason learns to break patterns and find healing so he can embrace love and stop having to fight or self-sabotage in the name of it…however that looks and whoever they end up with…much universal love and respect to them both.
From the page runner at https://www.facebook.com/FirefliesMoonlight-406903469415962/
Go show her some love like she just showed us.
All I know is this. My old wounds have not closed and I am the only one who can tend to them.
The hole has reopened and I am walking around it trying to figure out what to do.
That was the only lie I have told, I know exactly what to do. Write my own damned story
My heart is in the abyss and I’m going in after it.
Oh man. So helpful.
When going through the separation of my still-husband-not-yet-ex I fee the deep need to blame someone because the pain was unbearable.
But I remember well the beginning.
I knew I had a lot of “but’s” and yet….not being with him felt like an amputation. So I stepped forward in faith. Because the known promised something I didn’t like (life without him) and even though I knew there was a huge gap to overcome, maybe there was the possibility in the unknown that we might work.
It’s all worth it.
exactly.
i said to jason today, my intentions are for shit if i didn’t follow through, but that isn’t exactly true.
i wanted it to work so bad…it could have. better than not trying at all.