We have to keep believing
it’s gonna be okay
‘cause if we don’t we’re lost
Maybe we’re lost anyways.
Still don’t know what you want
but you have to let that go
and trust that the sun will rise in the morning
The Trews, In the Morning
There is more to the song, about pushing people away even though we don’t want to be alone.
It’s astute. I hear it most Wednesdays at work, Fridays too.
Not Monday.
“Sarah, just so you know, that boy is from the southern shore.”
“Thank you for the warning, I kinda figured.”
This place has accents within the Newfie accent and I am beginning to be able to tell them apart. A few in particular have stuck with me, southern shore being one of the ones that make me turn my head so quickly I get whiplash.
It’s been a long time. Hope floats and I am sinking.
The GM, otherwise known as Mark, was hiring a new bouncer while we are still mourning the loss of the old one. I do not envy my boss. I never really did. Crazy bitches, scraping by with the bare minimum and constantly having to put out fires. It hasn’t been an easy week/month/season. I’d wish for a hard reset if I could. I miss how things were to a degree, what I really miss is Sean saying “easy killer” whenever I would get riled up about something, and just knowing he was in the house. It felt safer.
Now I have keys and responsibilities.
Still doesn’t feel like home.
I am perpetually waiting for the money and the weather to get better and I only have 9 and a half weeks to go.
Hail Mary pass and a midnight miracle please.
I have always been a last minute girl. Essays and epiphanies coming together in the final hours. Everything makes some kind of sense at some point. It’s just in the rules, my rules. And no one can say I wasn’t brave coming here. I was. Still am, even when I don’t feel that way.
Meanwhile I exist.
Things change.
I have tiny dino now and a new room that shakes when the washer is running. The whole house is shaking right now, washing my sheets in hopes for yet another fresh start. It’s not just the washer, we are experiencing a tiny hurricane on this tiniest of islands, or the closest I have been to a hurricane really.
Closest I have been to a lot of things here, but they remain elusive.
One big tease.
I miss having things to look forward to.
The Nope prefaced a story the other day by telling me “You know I am a man whore right?”
Yes I know.
Very aware.
Said he needed new women all the time and told me a story about finger banging “that girl from last year.” in the same breath.
I don’t think you know what the word ‘new’ means. But I digress. I honestly don’t care anymore. Leering at me while I am on stage is impolite, but they all do it. It is a strip club and it is part of my job to be on display. I do not get to choose for whom. Drunk Josh seemed happy with my music selection so I focused on him. Thank the gods for Drunk Josh.
I totally forgot where I was going with this.
Full Strawberry moon last night and I hid in my room. Cocooning, fooling myself into thinking I was regrouping but really, I am just bone tired and soul weary. Reached out to a couple people, but there will be no follow through. I already know this.
Smiley said we shouldn’t fight to be with people who don’t want to be with us and I am inclined to listen. He knows who I am talking about, told you this island was tiny, and I dared speak his name for the 3rd time ever.
“Really?” was all he said. Actually really? and “don’t cry babes”. My eyes watered, but I didn’t break all the way down. Tiny miracles.
He is in the same boat as me pretty much. Substantial enough age gap and loving someone who runs away.
I miss his face too. It’s only been 6 days, I keep notes about my nights next to how much money I made.
Keeps me going to a degree. Knowing that the bad stretches don’t last for ever. That my people come, eventually, like Drunk Josh on my birthday. Pauly too and the Nope did make an appearance and stayed for a bit.
Blessings in their own ways with different faces.
