It’s 6am.
I have been up since 4:44.
There are singing bowls on the Spotify right now and oddly that didn’t help lull me back to sleep either.
Almost time to switch over to something a little more lyrical.
I tried to quiet my mind and get back to sleep, but instead I changed a light bulb and made myself a cup of my precious Texas coffee. I have a bag and a half left so I am rationing it. But my boss is going to Austin and she said she would bring me some, I just have to make it to the end of March. This is every Canadian, every winter, in a nutshell, just gotta make it to March.
Last year I had just fled Mexico ahead of travel restrictions on the last flight out of Acapulco, so I didn’t have to wait too long before winter loosened her grip. Although my snapchat memories from today stated I had just dug my car out of 3 feet of snow. Today everything is melting and it is supposed to be warm and raining tomorrow. Sucks for my walk to the bus stop, but it is better than freezing to death.
Fuck, a lot can change in a year.
I used to get up at 6am at the beginning of the plague to write.
I guess that was 2 years minus 3 weeks ago.
Ex hubby gave me the mushroom capsules on March 2nd 2020 and I started writing that other book that I haven’t been able to get back to since I gave the mushrooms away, mind you I haven’t tried in a while. It was supposed to be about Wolf and I don’t know what to say about that anymore.
March 4th 2020 I was on a plane to Texas because tickets were insanely cheap and I sent a snapchat with panda eyes saying “I fucking miss you”. It is not hard to be nostalgic for those days, but fuck everything that came after.
I am actually happy to be awake. Technically, I wanted this. I have skipped too many morning work outs and lost too much writing time to the siren’s song of the snooze button. Mind you, I have been taking (non hallucinogenic) mushroom capsules and my dreams have been EPIC. Fucked Thor and Loki yesterday morning in the wee hours, and god bless my psyche, I remembered it vividly after I woke up. It’s the little things.
It was congruent sex, not simultaneous. Not that that matters, but Loki talked me into playing while Thor was away, we got caught and Thor wasn’t mad about it. I also was making cheese sauce on a rocky boat and spilled it. I was cleaning it up when I woke up. Not sure what that was all about but hey…I am not complaining.
My real life sex life has been…non existent. The Darkling still exists, but only in my phone.
Been down this road too many times already.
29th verse, same as…well same as the other ones who only lived in my phone.
I got an inkling mid January that he had started up something with someone else. I didn’t say anything, because honestly, I didn’t really want to know, plus retrograde was still happening. These are lessons I have learned and refuse to repeat. I think it was still the trifecta of Venus, Mercury and one of our more distant cosmic dads spinning backwards and causing discord. Uranus or Neptune. Not really sure. Doesn’t matter. The universe, or our corner of it, is spinning the way it ought to be until April. And I know, non believers will say it’s silly, but I have felt a lightness of being for the last lil bit. I am going to enjoy this while it lasts.
I enjoyed Darkling while that lasted too.
And I could be totally wrong here and just tainted by the ones who came before. But my gut is a pretty highly tuned instrument at this point and he just kinda changed, less attention and I haven’t seen him. I would prefer this conversation be face to face as opposed to our normal gif filled meme exchanges.
I am gearing up to ask the question I don’t really want the answer to. It isn’t exactly over yet, mostly because I haven’t decided that it is, but I am getting there. Too bad really. The sex was pretty fucking fantastic.
He was really good at giving me attention too. I needed that, still do really. I was weaning myself off Wolf. I guess that mission has been accomplished, somewhat.
The fact remains, I have a high IQ and an even higher sex drive and only one of those things is currently being sated. I am mildly astonished at how lackadaisical I am feeling about all this. I cannot tell if I am broken or fixed. That is a topic for another day.
I wandered off tik tok and fell into reels on Instagram. I don’t hate it. If I click on a plant reel I can fall into a rabbithole of monstrous monsteras and prolific pothos and propagation videos. If I look at yoga, same same. Meditation and manifestations galore. But somehow the other day, I ended up watching a reel about how for every 16 points above 100 a woman’s IQ is, she is some huge percentage less likely to get married, and the men that I am attracted to and would be content with only make up 1% of the population.
Awesome.
I am royally screwed. But not in the literal sense.
I mean, I am 47, almost 48. If it was gonna happen, it would have happened already and my two forays into common law marriage sucked so badly. The idea of getting married was never in the forefront of my mind. I remember watching Charles and Di’s marriage and the part I liked the most was the hats.
But, having not been laid in a month now…I dunno, I lost track, and my track record of the last 4 or 5 years of intermittent sex with a married dude from far far away and before that the jail bae being in jail for half of our time together, then more recently the fisherman who was away 3 weeks at a time and now this traveling salesman…just ugh.
It would be nice to have a person.
Maybe I will still get a repeat of 2017 as far as my sex life goes. That would be nice.
I probably have to go back on tinder. Although I would rather not. I kept Wolfling and Big Spoon on the backburner too long and they have slipped back into whatever part of the ether my lost boys go when they aren’t scratching at my door.
In the meantime, I have to buy a new car, one of my least favorite things to do. Horrible timing really. I am having massive financial insecurity with this new job. I know if I stick it out there will be a promotion and a pay raise, but the current pay decrease to half of what I am used to making continues to be jarring. I might need a second job. Unless all y’all want to subscribe for a dollar a month. Please?
At least my house is in order, for now.
I had to put a plant back at the store yesterday.
I wasn’t happy about it.
There is also a shelf I keep visiting to house all of my plant babies but it’s $300 and it is just not in the budget I now have.
I missed buying the giant bamboo during Lunar new year. By the time it got warm enough to carry it home, they were all sold out. I regret not driving there when I had a car to drive, but I despise underground parking and I am trying to get my steps in when I can, even if it means braving the arctic tundra of Canada in February. 15 years I have wanted that bamboo, and I finally found it, just to lose out due to a polar vortex that wouldn’t let go, and my own stubbornness.
I am stubborn man. Like too stubborn for my own good. That is why I stuck it out with jail bae, married guy…why I moved to Newfoundland in the first place, stayed trapped at the farm, all of it.
Retrospect and her sister Hindsight are bitches man.
The last 2 years I spent galavanting around North America I also spent a lot of money.
And I don’t have regrets exactly, but I am shaking my head at myself.
Two grand on 2 rooms in Newfoundland that I will never go back to kinda sting a bit.
I will make it work, I always do.
Do what you can with what you have where you are. Theodore Roosevelt.
Life does have a way of working out for me. I always have what I need, I just have to work on getting what I want as well.
At least I am no longer wasting time. I am doing all the things I meant to do before, and they are working. My abs are starting to show through. I slipped and had a burger the other day and I will tell you with my usual blatant honesty, I didn’t enjoy it. It’s fine, I tried and now I know.
That is my life in a nutshell…I tried.
I don’t regret the burger, I just won’t do it again.
The last few years? No regrets. And again with the blatant honesty, I would do it again. Mayhap smarter, but I would rather live a life of trying and failing than just staying safe and wishing I had done something.
And hand to god, money issues aside, I fucking tried. My intentions were pure and my actions were profound.
In the immortal words of Ani Difranco I never tried to give my life meaning by demeaning you, but I would like to state for the record, I did everything I could do.
Tomorrow is a day of magic. A cosmic palindrome. A mirror. Everything I put out there is destined to come back to me. Seems like a good day to reset and start over.