It’s the last full moon of 2020.
The first one I had just landed stateside and the world was full of possibility.
Nestled into a mediocre Airbnb too far from anywhere to be convenient.
But I learned.
Took a little journey to the unknown, oh I came back changed I can feel it in my bones
Lord Huron, the soundtrack to my first leap of faith.
3 years ago today I got a message from ‘the boy’ that he was going to fly to the far side of the island and drive me the rest of the way home.
I was over the moon, one of Jupiter’s moons.
I have always just wanted to go home. I don’t know where it is, or what it looks like, but I think I will know when I feel it. He was close, I will give him that.
Then I went to Mexico for a week and he got back together with his ex.
My plans were too far put in motion to stop them. And nothing in me wanted to stop, I wanted to go. I think by May I had given up on him, I didn’t stop crying but I stopped trying. The only time we slept together during that first 6 months was the night before I was supposed to leave for good. Minimum effort is the hallmark of a fuckboy.
We all know I went back, shenanigans ensued and a year ago today I booked a ferry ticket away from there. 4 more days and I was never going back again.
I did go back, for my car and some more of my stuff.
Once more, with feeling.
And back to the states, and back to Mexico.
Just booked my flight home. 17 days left and another 14 after that until my fate is decided and I have a tangible date for getting this poison out of me.
There is a Samurai Jack episode wherein he trains with rocks tied to his feet, after a lengthy montage they take the rocks off and he ‘jump good’. If I managed to live my life like this weighed down by sickness, how good can I jump without it.
All things considered, I was a lot of places this year, you now, with earth being closed and all.
I almost wrote some cheeseball line about how the greatest journey was my journey inward.
I did do that. But it wasn’t poetic. It was ugly and messy and I got out of one cocoon just to force myself into another or climb back into the old one. I wept, I mourned. And in the end, I ran away.
I got a handle on a few things just to uncover more shit, patched one rip in my psyche and 3 more appeared.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
Marianne Williamson
Anyone know how to deal with imposter syndrome or hyper independence?
I think they are feeding each other, and I have twin King Kong sized monkeys on my back, holding me back.
I have part of it solved. I honestly don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I can’t, its dangerous and exhausting.
How many girls on that island truly despised me? A lot. I had to live and work with some of them and considering all I really did was sleep and work that took up a lot of my time. I lived. You need to hate someone to add to your own joie de vive? I don’t exactly volunteer as tribute, but whatev’s do you boo.
But imposter syndrome isn’t really about being hated by others so much as it is about hating yourself and the unhealthy coping mechanisms you develop to compensate. Pleasing those who can never truly be pleased, gravitating to them to justify your life. Zero self-care because you are always caring for others, burnout on an Alderan scale.
Procrastination on personal projects because it’s never going to be good enough anyways, why bother?
Because I love the work. This work, this good work that I chose for myself.
At least I can name the monkeys. One step closer to shedding them.
I was offered help, and I said yes.
My kittenface pixie girl came to me yesterday and offered to help put all my burnt offerings to the world into a Patreon format and see where that goes. Esoteric therapy with swearing. I just have to write; she will do the icky stuff I don’t care to learn like price points and marketing.
There is a very good chance after I get these implants removed that I will not be able to dance anymore, she knows I am scared and is gently but firmly nudging me into another direction.
The timing is pretty cosmically perfect if you ask me.
Today, in about 2.5 hours I am going to see some shamans and I am going to do DMT.
The god particle.
The chemical our brain releases when we die.
This is something I have wanted to do for 9 years and it was never the right moment.
I want to talk to god.
I feel like I have come as far as I can on my own and I need a push to level up.
I know I was put on this earth to love (full stop), but after having a taste of what it was like to be loved the way I love, fully and enthusiastically and then to lose it. I want to trade in my life’s purpose for another one. I can’t keep doing this.
I know I can, but maybe I can get some help accepting this. Because right now my heart is an angry toddler throwing a monumental tantrum called ‘its not fair’.
I hate the idea of white people taking shortcuts to enlightenment and bullshit journeys of spiritual tourism without doing the work.
But I feel like I did the work. So much work and there is so much more to go. I’m so tired.
I honestly don’t know what to expect. Anyone I have spoken to about it claims a lightness of being afterwards. Freedom from addictions and the bonds of human bullshit.
I know when I stand before god at the end of my life and he asks me ‘did you love?’ the answer with be and emphatic yes. I know when he asks me if I tried, the answer will be and honest and exhausted ‘yes’.
And today, when we talk, I think I just want to ask for a different perspective. I want to see in myself the potential I see in all the others. I only see the good in the people around me and I only see what need to be worked on when it comes to myself.
A little balance please. Direction, clarity, freedom.
And a lot of love.
Please, I need to be loved.
How long baby have I been away?
Oh, it feels like ages, though you say it’s only days
There ain’t language for the things I’ve seen
And the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams
The truth is stranger than all my dreams
Oh, the darkness got a hold on me
I have seen what the darkness does
Say goodbye to who I was
I ain’t never been away so long
Don’t look back them days are gone
Follow me into the endless night
I can bring your fears to life
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine
Meet me in the woods tonight
Lord Huron, Meet Me in the Woods, Strange Trails.