Not a huge fan of the word ‘should’. As in ‘you should be doing x, y or z’.
I lived my life in the land of should for far too long. 2 failed common law marriages with less than compatible partners because I thought I should be in a relationship, any relationship.
Nuh uh.
I know why. I was a single mom and a stripper so I felt lucky that anyone would want me at all, so I had to stay. Wow my stomach just rolled bad typing that. That is one loaded sentence full of yuck.
I knew I wasn’t happy; I knew I didn’t want to stay. But I was compelled by the power of ‘should’.
Why should I be? Who says?
I feel like that I am going to need a few blog posts and therapy sessions to clear out that muck and forgive myself.
But ‘I should’ has an evil-er twin.
I shouldn’t have.
I have a planet of regret sitting on my chest and I wish I could go back to that morning we made love and do things differently. A line from Reality Bites that is burned into my brain. Reality does indeed, bite.
Fucking Mercury Gatorade man.
Papa Mercury is my sky daddy.
I should know better.
See how gross that word is?
I fucked up.
Don’t make big purchases or plans, understand that communication will suffer, technology will fail.
Just hang out in the upside down for 22 days and hang on.
That is what we are supposed to do.
I did not do those things.
I thought I could cheat the cosmos. I have been this bold before. This entire blog is filled with the lessons I have learned, and I listened to exactly none of them.
5 years ago there was a retrograde incident with Gelfling, and I swear I watched myself doing the same thing again, with infinitely bigger stakes and I couldn’t stop myself. I even made a meme about it.
There was a good plan in place and the plan fell apart and I did a bad job of holding it together.
The ramifications are huge.
Like an earthquake in the ocean. Happens far, far away from the eyes of man, and hours later, small villages get washed out to sea.
Tsunami time and the landscape altering aftermath.
We had a plan. Not a should be doing x or a have to do y…but a good idea based on previous attempts and the dissections of what went wrong and how to fix it. It was a lovely plan.
A 5 minute walk in the park.
The plan centered around a ‘where’.
The where was key.
The key got lost and I broke the door down anyways. I really wish I wouldn’t have.
The place ceased to exist, and I had every opportunity to stop the plan altogether, and I didn’t.
I plowed ahead with all the grace of a bull crashing through the front door of a china shop.
I shouldn’t have.
The earth shook and it wasn’t good.
The ‘when’ wasn’t so shit hot either, but I was impatient and didn’t want to wait.
The ‘how’ was a lil sketchy too.
The only thing with any integrity was the ‘why’.
Everyone knows I make decisions based on love.
And the Beatles said, love is all you need.
Yaaaaaa, no. Sorry John, Paul, Ringo and George, hate to say it but you need a little logic too and planning, and understanding and flexibility.
Otherwise the earth shakes, and levees break, and you just have to hope the foundation holds.
Foresight too, foresight is good. Love and foresight.
I am now in the midst of the consequences for the things I did that I should have know better about and should not have done.
As it stands, I am in place and limbo for 2 weeks and 3 respectively.
Booking a ticket today to go see my people and get my tings. Make some money and maybe have a hard reset in the process. But I have to wait out mandatory lockdown now.
Time to return to perdition.
I had a man tell me (upon offering me a job in Calgary) “you need to make sure you are truly finished with this place before you commit to leaving.”
And at the time I was fucking done. I kinda laughed at him, I had been trying to run for a while by the time I met him. But he said it was such wisdom and conviction, he might as well have been a caterpillar smoking a hookah on a mushroom in Wonderland.
Who
Are
You
Alice didn’t have such a good time there either really. She always felt too big or too small, creatures speaking in riddles, crazy tea parties and murderous queens.
I’m wondering why I was there again, why I am here now, and I wonder what I am supposed to be learning. Did I miss something? I feel a pull to go back.
But honestly, all pandemics considered I am in a really good, safe place. I don’t regret anything exactly. Well a couple things, but it’s time to go back and finish leaving.
I quote the Princess Bride a lot. Especially about going back to the beginning.
And maybe I wasn’t done. There is the obvious car, stuff, dog and friends. I promised to spring Attica from perdition months ago and have been stuck in a holding pattern ever since. I didn’t mean to leave my second exit as long as it has gone. But maybe there is some karmic fulfilment that I am missing too. Maybe I left some of my juju in a Rubbermaid along with the statue of the white girl who can’t even.
All I know is I have to go back, and I shouldn’t have gone, respectively.
I feel like half of me got washed out to sea and I am standing on a beach trying to figure out how to salvage what’s left.